well, that's not true. I expected this hiatus. haha. Sorry. Papers + Midterms + Finals = one gigantic ball of " no time to do anything." ):
So, I'm taking a break from studying my last final, and typing out some thoughts. Lately, I've felt like all the friends I made from high school, aren't really friends if I really contemplated about them. Rather, they are 90% acquaintances, people that I don't really have any attachment to. As harsh as that may sound, I think other people in college can certainly agree. But, as I've said before, College does two things to relationships. It either pulls you closer, or drives you apart. Either one is not something you can choose; it's just... spontaneously inevitable.
What I want to talk about is.. the human need for power, or control, over the events, or people in their lives. I'm not saying that human beings are natural manipulation addicts. Why, that's quite extremist on the human trait gradation spectrum. No, we are not manipulation addicts. We just all want some way to be able to have discretion, a choice, a hovering hand over what happens in our lives. When we lose that string that holds the marionette puppet that symbolizes our lives, we get scared. I mean, who wouldn't be? If that were to happen, it would be like you are on this roller coaster, screaming while the shuttle cars zoom up and down, or snake slowly while you anticipate a thrilling, yet suspending downfall. <-- all that, being in the hands of someone else. Literally, an operator. Figuratively, someone in your life, for everyone in our lives affects who we are.
I have trouble losing power, or relinquishing control, but I realize that's what you sometimes have to do in order to establish a relationship (any type). Which is invariably true. As a human, we are first born with full control and power over our lives, and establish who we are. As we form relationships in our lives, each time we do, we relinquish some of the power we have, as the other must do, to form an equilibrium in a bond (god, this sounds so much like chemistry..). That equilibrium establishes trust, caring, love, which makes sense.... because when that bond is broken, or damaged, both of the people who relinquished the power feels the damage, unless someone took what they relinquished back into their own hands, but I'm sure no one in this world is apathetic enough to actually do that.
It may be that I'm neurotic, obsessive compulsive, manipulative, or just plain megalomaniac, but...I'm scared of losing power. and.. when things start proceeding in ways that I do not expect, it stresses me out. People say that.. sometimes it's fun to just leap without looking. I lack the braveness of people who can actually do so. I know. I'm pusillanimous. The best example there is. And yet, try to see it from my standpoint. In the past, I've been hurt because I relinquished power. So you see, don't you expect it hard for me to relinquish it again?
But However, I am sorry. I want to be able to. Just give me some personal space, and some time alone with my own thoughts to figure myself out. Eventually, I will be able to again.
