And such a weekend made me realize that my existence in this world is so unsubstantial. At least, that's how I felt when I woke up this morning. I think to myself, What am I doing here? Why am I here, in this world, taking up precious oxygen, taking up space that many people lack. What am I doing to myself, why don't I change. HOW do i change?
God has forgiven me so many times that I feel as if He's trying to keep me in this world for a reason. And, I've decided today, that I will keep working hard in this world to make myself substantial and worth all of God's efforts to keep me here.
I'm numb. Not the type of numb I felt lying on that hospital bed, but Numb as in I feel as if I'm emotionless. I suppress my own feelings because some of them are not allowed.. and if even one of my feelings is disallowed, I lock everything up. Once again, establish that concrete wall that no one can climb over. Well.. that's not true. One person climbed over it, once in my life. Unfortunately that person lept back over the wall to the other side, and ever since then, the wall has doubled, if not tripled in size and strength. Who can ever destroy that wall ever again? (well, other than God).. God is good, but sometimes we, as human beings need another human being to reach out to us, to give us guidance. God is glorious, and yet.. He is no physical entity.. He is everything else.. but sometimes all we need.. is a helping hand, on our shoulder, to transfer onto us power and will.
The world keeps spinning, and we all slave diligently to catch up to it, so how dare I slow my pace. Here I come. I'm gaining on you, world.
