Speaking of spectrums... sometimes I feel as if people view me as.. someone that is extreme in morality. I mean that some see me as very strict and orthodox, kinda sorta like what Chinese people call Qing Gao, where I'm kinda high and mighty because I'm structured, and I have not a fine line, but a concrete well-established wall between what is wrong and what is right. Then, there are people who see me as kind of lax, all over the place, not really having any thought about straying off path. Heh. well, I'm somewhere in between. I sway, I waver, I lose direction. However, I'm not the type to ever let myself continue in the wrong direction, if it were to happen (because sometimes things get out of our control without our discretion), I'd be sure to pull myself back. My grandfather instilled in me a very strong set of morals that I am set on living by for the rest of my life, but I'm still a human being that makes mistakes, that feels anger, pain, and sorrow for those mistakes, that moves on from mistakes a new, more understanding, wiser person.
So, as most of you may have noticed. Recently, I don't really post a blog unless.. something amuses me, or something bothers me. Unfortunately, Today is a type of " darn it. this is kinda biting at my ass, no matter how i try to ignore it."
Once again, I've somehow distanced myself from my friends.. this time not so much that I don't hang out enough with them ( though I really don't). But, that fact isn't the main problem. The main problem is that I feel as though I've lost people I can count on. Sometimes i feel unappreciated when I do something for someone, and the second after that something is accomplished, that someone ceases to talk to me. It makes me wonder if I'm something of a tool to them, instead of a human being? What happened to the push and pull between a relationship? Then, there are those that really don't seem like they care for my passion, love, or disappointment. I mean, I'm not saying that my friends should watch my every move like a stalker, petition for a TIFFANY day, and crown me the ultimate center of attention. No NOT THAT AT ALL. What i'm saying is.. it would be nice.. if that one person, that one person that with whom I supposedly have the best relationship, it'd be nice if that person supported me once. I'm not trying to imply that... I was there at every time that person needed support, because sometimes I fuck up too, but .. what I'm asking for is... 1 sign of effort. It doesn't have to be huge, and i hope it doesn't have to be forced. It just hurts to see this person tell me that " sorry I have no time" and to seem them spend 2 hours lounging during which this person isn't supposed to have time.... It hurts to the point.. where I wonder if this person realizes.. that I exist. I'm not just someone to turn to when there is something wrong.. I'm a human being that sometimes needs someone to turn to, too.
Since when did my friendships resemble one way streets? Since when did things start to go out of control? Is college really that big of an influence on our characters, that after one year, everything is different? Can situations change people from the inside out?
I'm scared that my friends have changed towards one direction, and I was supposed to change with them... but like some sort of a growth impediment... my conscience steered me somewhere else.
In the midst of this, I find myself thankful for him. He makes me feel loved, cared for, important. He is there for me whenever I've fallen, and he's there for me whenever I've flown. He makes me feel safe.. he's my anchor and my prince charming.
Anyway, this post is in no intention an insult or complaint. It is just a flow of my thoughts as I try to get ready for the rest of the day. I'm a bad blogger, I am. ): Hopefully, there are those of you, or just singularly you out there who still enjoys my writing and finds contingence with it.
(: "Connexion de l'homme dépend de l'appréciation."
quelque fois. at least.
