what's wrong?

Honestly, I think the answer to that question is .. well, one again.. me. I feel like I am a failure at doing anything correctly. How many times will it take before I lose all of those around me because I've wronged too much? I don't like how that cloud of guilt lingers over my head. Sometimes I think to myself of how I've messed up so many times. And though people say, I do not need to apologize for the things I've done, somewhere in my heart, I know that they are just too tired to forgive again. It's that type of " I'm so used to it" feeling, that I don't want people to have, and yet they do. How do I make things right? How do I stop conflict.. I wish I knew. I wish there could just be some God-sent sign that blatantly prescribes: " This is what you do:" Yet, what a fantasy. Some things are for myself to figure out. Except this time, it seems the problem is a part of me. So it comes down to, if I'm willing to change myself in order to make things right. Well, am I? I know for this one particular person, I'd do it. Too bad I'm not sure if that will solve all the problems. 

I don't understand why things have to be so hard. Not anymore. I finally realize the kind of pain, frustration, and hopelessness that one of my friends had felt before. 

"Why must things be so hard? Why can't things be easy? Let's just.. enjoy all the good. There's no reason for things to be hard. I'm sure I'll still learn to treasure the good times, even if there are not the hard times." ______ said.

Yeah, I get what you mean now. I don't know how to make things... good all the time, no matter how much I wish it. Harsh words, Cold feelings, Soulless eyes. I don't want any of that. I want warm smiles, longing glances, sincere whispers. How do I keep from messing up? Somebody teach me, please? I miss laughing and smiling, and doing nothing but. Those things seem so  far away, and all of those trivial things like fighting, bickering are the only things that end up staying in my head. And those are the things that bother me for nights to come, Those are the things that instill my insomnia. 

A rock hanging over our heads...

I'm trying my best to not let that rock fall. I swear. I may not be able to solve all the problems in the world, but.. I can try can't i?

an attempt is better than not doing anything at all. I'd rather put all I have in solving a problem, than sitting on the side being a crybaby. 

I feel like I've lost so much already. I don't think I can risk losing anymore. I really don't. Even if people say I'm addicted to pain, to conflict. Fine, so be it. But.. I really do think if I lose one more thing, I will break. Especially now. I'm way too scared to let things fall apart. I want to keep things from falling apart. 

Help me out here.

Please. 

I'm getting tired. Lend a helping hand.

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I don't like the threat of low blood sugar. I don't like the idea of being able to wake up one day, and collapsing right down, and fall into a deep, long sleep, and waking up somewhere cold, filled with syringes.

pills are gross too.

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Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me, and why I do the things I do. I don't have the right to do any of those things. I guess I just get scared sometimes, and I run for refuge, whatever that is. Forgive me. I will change.

That, I promise. And a promise is a promise.

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Maybe it's true, maybe it's time to reinvent myself. Let's start over.

Hi, My name is Tiffany Cheng, or Jin, if you don't mind. I've always had two names. It's a little stumble my father made, but I kind of love it. I love singing my heart out, and the smell of a forest after an afternoon shower of rain. I carry quite a few faults, but I'm glad to change them if they ever threaten your happiness or comfortability. I want to be a good person, so let me help, and in so, you help me become a good person. I'm really emotional, but I don't show it to many people, unless it hits somewhere deep (that's why I usually never cry during sad movies). I have this stupid syndrome in which I keep up a wall with anyone I meet, but I swear, once you get to know me, I act like I'm part of your family. It gets annoying at times. I pour out everything about me to a person once I trust them, and TRUST ME, it's very easy for me to trust. The thing is, I can lose trust very quickly too. But, I'm also a firm believer in forgive and forget, and the idea of second chances. So don't worry, I come around. Lollipops make me happy, especially strawberry creme flavored ones, and sour patched kids can cheer me up for any problem. As you can tell, I have a sweet tooth, and so I always end up eating a bunch of snacks and things that are bad for me, whenever I'm not feeling like myself. One of the most important things is, I'm extremely awkward. And I don't mean lanky awkward (that's the cute kind of awkward). I'm the kind of awkward that will make you awkward, and it's like a genetic disorder. I have no clue how to cure it. I'm embarrassing too. Don't be surprised if we're eating ice cream, and somehow, my hand misses the spoon and lands in the ice cream. That's happened to me before. I'm also super clumsy (a side effect of awkward). But it's okay, I apologize to every chair/table/inanimate object I run into. I'm polite, even if it's to things I don't need to be polite to. I think the most important thing in life is to always have Love, so as you can tell. I'm romantic and quixotic as hell is hot. 

Although, That's all you need to know for now. 

I can't say everything about me within 1 paragraph anyway. 

To be continued.

Scaredycat, coward. toughen up.

(note: The Chinese government forbid access to anti-communistic sites, including any websites that showcased anti-communist information, therefore, sadly, Blogger was also locked; ergo, I did not blog as I promised. I apologize.)

Who is? Not anyone any of you would expect. I was referring to myself. For this whole day today, I kept reminding myself that ... I really need to stop being so weak. It's true. Weakness will not get me anywhere. So what am I so damn afraid of? Well, obviously that one thing that has always gnawed at my so-called strength: Loneliness. The thing is, I really should not be afraid of it. Technically, Loneliness is this beautiful thing that teaches each and every one of us to survive on our own, to.. thrive independently, to be our own persons (and yes, in this case, 'persons' is politically and grammatically correct.). And, if I really think about it, I'm never alone. I have these wonderful friends, these amazingly perfect, yet absolutely human parents, and other people who care for me. The word Loneliness shouldn't even exist in my vocabulary. There is no valid reason as to why I should be afraid, or bothered, or frustrated. Things come and go, and no matter what or who I end up with, I will always have those that care for me, even though they may be miles away, or farther. So after all of this thinking, I started to question, maybe.. the reason I'm so distraught is not because I'm scared of being lonely, or feeling lonely, I'm just despaired at witnessing something that I put so much into crumble in the palm of my hands. 

I am not the type of person to often ask for second chances, unless.. I really feel it is necessary.. most of that due to, I do not think I deserve second chances, though I believe all people do, I've believed myself to be a special case. So I definitely surprised myself when I did ask for a second chance. Now as to why I did it, I'm not sure. It may be.. a spur of the moment stumble, it may be a spur of the moment opportunity, it may just be.. Delirium, It can also be ... inside my heart somewhere, that was what I was hoping for. I feel like, I have really lost a good sense of who I am, and what I want, what I need. I forgot how great it feels to just be myself in front of someone. It feels so comfortable to just.. let someone see the real me. Granted, I'm not a good person, although I'm not.. bad either, in my opinion. I'm just a normal person, you know, a mixture of good and bad. It's nice not having to put up a fake facade, a despicably for-pretend smile. But, I guess it was nice while it lasted. Who am I to force other people to lose their smiles, their happiness? My second chance may have caused another person frustration, pain, annoyance, negativity, but, I took it as it is anyway. I can't be that selfish. I want..  another person to be happy. I want for me.. to learn a lesson, to grow, to... well, maybe I'm just meant for studying... a lot. Everyone deserves happiness, and I've gotten mine, though.. apparently not for as long as I'd like. But, if everything always went my way, then, I would never learn to chase after anything. Just a little longer, I'll keep chasing. And when I know I've reached my capacity, when nothing in me gives me enough strength to sustain me any longer, I'll stop. Or, in the very exceptional case, that I somehow change targets, I will move on to chase something else. And of course, if my current target wishes me to stop, I will willingly oblige.

Everything ends eventually, at some time. no matter how hard we try to keep things going, somehow... something runs out.. and before we know it, it's over. abruptly. The quixotic mind would think that nothing ends... it just continues after a little construction site in the road. But, Quixotic fools are hurt so easily. Maybe it's better to think, and know, and realize, that.. nothing lasts.. ever. why, if things didn't end, I doubt that any of us would ever treasure the things we have. We just sometimes forget that things do end. So when the end does come ruthfully taking away what you never knew you had, something in you gets taken away with it, and you are never the same again. Absolutely ridiculous sounding, but I've always thought, that anytime that I use my heart to do something, I put a piece of my heart with it. To me, whenever something ends, I have the hardest time letting it end.. as it should. That's probably abnormal of me, or.. foolish of me, but.. please, like I said before, I don't ask for chances easily, but please, just let me be a quixotic fool once more. And if I'm wrong, like I usually am, then.. I'll let it end. What's a few days, give or take.

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Just yesterday, my father said to me, " I want you to stop worrying, to stop thinking, to stop being so negative. I want you to have fun. You've worked hard. It's time to have fun, not for anybody else either, but for yourself. I don't like that pensive, contemplative and sad look you have in your eyes. You think I don't know? I'm your own father. There's no one else in the world that cares about you more than I do. Take a break. Forget all your worries."

I swear I haven't been so touched in a long time.  It was so relieving to hear my dad say that. I should stop thinking, and just.. let things go their way.. 

But, I guess things are never as easy as I want them to be. Maybe I'm just meant to worry. 

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I have no clue why, but.. for some reason, this memory popped into my head today :

Him singing my favorite song at the time for me. Gosh, he tried so hard. And even though he wasn't a singer, and .. he.. was quite terrible at it, haha, he put so much effort into it, that I couldn't help but laugh with joy. I could tell he took a long time to perfect it; before that night, he didn't even think of ever singing it. Oh, and him singing twinkle twinkle little star, and me keeping it in my phone in secret, and how he had no idea that had totally recorded him while he was singing it to me. Oblivious, in a good way. 

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Anyways, I'll give it a few days.

If I'm ready to give up, When I'm ready, I'll let it go. I'll give up. Like others have. I'm just a little more stubborn that most.  Sue me.