Who is? Not anyone any of you would expect. I was referring to myself. For this whole day today, I kept reminding myself that ... I really need to stop being so weak. It's true. Weakness will not get me anywhere. So what am I so damn afraid of? Well, obviously that one thing that has always gnawed at my so-called strength: Loneliness. The thing is, I really should not be afraid of it. Technically, Loneliness is this beautiful thing that teaches each and every one of us to survive on our own, to.. thrive independently, to be our own persons (and yes, in this case, 'persons' is politically and grammatically correct.). And, if I really think about it, I'm never alone. I have these wonderful friends, these amazingly perfect, yet absolutely human parents, and other people who care for me. The word Loneliness shouldn't even exist in my vocabulary. There is no valid reason as to why I should be afraid, or bothered, or frustrated. Things come and go, and no matter what or who I end up with, I will always have those that care for me, even though they may be miles away, or farther. So after all of this thinking, I started to question, maybe.. the reason I'm so distraught is not because I'm scared of being lonely, or feeling lonely, I'm just despaired at witnessing something that I put so much into crumble in the palm of my hands.
I am not the type of person to often ask for second chances, unless.. I really feel it is necessary.. most of that due to, I do not think I deserve second chances, though I believe all people do, I've believed myself to be a special case. So I definitely surprised myself when I did ask for a second chance. Now as to why I did it, I'm not sure. It may be.. a spur of the moment stumble, it may be a spur of the moment opportunity, it may just be.. Delirium, It can also be ... inside my heart somewhere, that was what I was hoping for. I feel like, I have really lost a good sense of who I am, and what I want, what I need. I forgot how great it feels to just be myself in front of someone. It feels so comfortable to just.. let someone see the real me. Granted, I'm not a good person, although I'm not.. bad either, in my opinion. I'm just a normal person, you know, a mixture of good and bad. It's nice not having to put up a fake facade, a despicably for-pretend smile. But, I guess it was nice while it lasted. Who am I to force other people to lose their smiles, their happiness? My second chance may have caused another person frustration, pain, annoyance, negativity, but, I took it as it is anyway. I can't be that selfish. I want.. another person to be happy. I want for me.. to learn a lesson, to grow, to... well, maybe I'm just meant for studying... a lot. Everyone deserves happiness, and I've gotten mine, though.. apparently not for as long as I'd like. But, if everything always went my way, then, I would never learn to chase after anything. Just a little longer, I'll keep chasing. And when I know I've reached my capacity, when nothing in me gives me enough strength to sustain me any longer, I'll stop. Or, in the very exceptional case, that I somehow change targets, I will move on to chase something else. And of course, if my current target wishes me to stop, I will willingly oblige.
Everything ends eventually, at some time. no matter how hard we try to keep things going, somehow... something runs out.. and before we know it, it's over. abruptly. The quixotic mind would think that nothing ends... it just continues after a little construction site in the road. But, Quixotic fools are hurt so easily. Maybe it's better to think, and know, and realize, that.. nothing lasts.. ever. why, if things didn't end, I doubt that any of us would ever treasure the things we have. We just sometimes forget that things do end. So when the end does come ruthfully taking away what you never knew you had, something in you gets taken away with it, and you are never the same again. Absolutely ridiculous sounding, but I've always thought, that anytime that I use my heart to do something, I put a piece of my heart with it. To me, whenever something ends, I have the hardest time letting it end.. as it should. That's probably abnormal of me, or.. foolish of me, but.. please, like I said before, I don't ask for chances easily, but please, just let me be a quixotic fool once more. And if I'm wrong, like I usually am, then.. I'll let it end. What's a few days, give or take.
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Just yesterday, my father said to me, " I want you to stop worrying, to stop thinking, to stop being so negative. I want you to have fun. You've worked hard. It's time to have fun, not for anybody else either, but for yourself. I don't like that pensive, contemplative and sad look you have in your eyes. You think I don't know? I'm your own father. There's no one else in the world that cares about you more than I do. Take a break. Forget all your worries."
I swear I haven't been so touched in a long time. It was so relieving to hear my dad say that. I should stop thinking, and just.. let things go their way..
But, I guess things are never as easy as I want them to be. Maybe I'm just meant to worry.
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I have no clue why, but.. for some reason, this memory popped into my head today :
Him singing my favorite song at the time for me. Gosh, he tried so hard. And even though he wasn't a singer, and .. he.. was quite terrible at it, haha, he put so much effort into it, that I couldn't help but laugh with joy. I could tell he took a long time to perfect it; before that night, he didn't even think of ever singing it. Oh, and him singing twinkle twinkle little star, and me keeping it in my phone in secret, and how he had no idea that had totally recorded him while he was singing it to me. Oblivious, in a good way.
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Anyways, I'll give it a few days.
If I'm ready to give up, When I'm ready, I'll let it go. I'll give up. Like others have. I'm just a little more stubborn that most. Sue me.
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