new semester, new thoughts

I wonder how far I would and probably will go to achieve what I want.... Or is it what I want, rather than what others want? I'm not so sure anymore. The point is, no matter where I'm heading, I seem to be driving every person around me away. I am sure it's not some habit I've developed over the course of trying to survive at Berkeley, and if it is some habit, it sure is a terrible one ( and I have some really horrible habits). By the rate I'm going at, I'll become a complete and utter loner in no time.

Hopefully I can deter my own detrimental doings, and somehow attach myself once more to the human population. To make my self happier, to make myself more approachable, and to change my own view of myself. Those are the important goals at hand, right? So why am I giving up so much in order to get things done. At times, I feel so envious of the people around me, people that really enjoy college. They study when they need to, organize their ideal schedule, and go out when they are free, while I stay in my dorm cramming 90% of the time, the other 10% dedicated to two choirs. Added onto that is the worry of what I'm working on in China, and the worry of contacting a professor, so I can at least have some minimal chance of making into the medical school I hope to attend.

Maybe my papabear is right. haha, I might have to really worry about the fact that I'm going to have a hella lot of trouble finding someone to spend the rest of my life with me, if I'm going to go into medical school for 8 years, with residency for another 2 years, with research to extend my dad's previous work at Lawrence Lab, and of course, IF I ever do become a medical doctor, well, I sure as hell won't have a personal life.

Which reminds me,

A little message to you (and I'm sure you know who you are. And if you do not, all the more better):

I'm sorry for everything.

Sorry.

I wish I could just put down everything, and give all that I can to make you happy, and yet I really can't.

You deserve better. Trust me. You deserve so much better.

I think you've moved on already, and I'm okay with that. Go ahead and move on, and find somebody that can make you happy.

Thank you for everything.