crying does nothing. :T

So, first off. I apologize for not posting for so long. I have had a lot happen, and it has taken me a while to organize everything in my mind, and still even at this ver moment, I'm in the process of making sense of things. But, this post will primarily focus on one occurrence, that has definitely put me in a rut. A rut that I had hoped for me to not have to confront for a long time. But, as life always has been, it's surprising, challenging, and steadfast. I can't escape, and the only thing I could do for a while is sit around and think.

At first, my thoughts couldn't really decipher what my heart wanted, and what my head advised.

For those of you who don't know me well, I usually try to do things logically, instead of jumping in a pool because a spurt of curiosity hits me or something. Well, not this time. No. This time, I know, that I have to listen to my heart, or else I will regret my decision for the rest of my life, and hell no, i am not spending the rest of my life thinking of what could have been.

I'm not sure if you guys have ever felt what I'm about to describe, but it's.. an absolutely intimidating yet exciting thrill: the feeling of having your dream so close to grasp, that you can't stop smiling. That happened to me a week ago. I received a phone call that could potentially change my life forever. From that moment on, I couldn't stop smiling, and my heart felt as if it was inhabited my some ecstasy-dropping troll that couldn't stop jumping up and down. I knew that this phone call, was my one opportunity to achieving my dream, the dream that I had wanted ever since I was 5.

I still remember what I told my father when I was 8: " Dad, I hope you know, I'm am serious about this. If I do not sing for the rest of my life, then my life has no meaning. I want this, and I'm determined to get this. So please. Lend me your helping hand, and give me your support. This is my life."

haha, and I also remember my father's stuttered, stumped, and yet supportive reply: " A-a-Alright, well. I believe in you, Let's make it happen then. "

That phone call gave me the path to my dream.

Until something stepped in the way, and basically uttered coldly in my face : " nuh uh, hold on there partner, it ain't that easy"

A test I can't miss (If i don't want to fail) on the exact same day as my opportunity. It devastated me. It made my heart sink, it made my hope shatter. What could I do? What was I supposed to do? I could feel my own tears surging to the surface. Bit my lip and told myself I'm stronger than that. Even so, I felt so weak, that I had barely any idea what I did for that day. I knew I would have to make the choice between education or the dream, some day. I just never thought I'd have to make it so soon.

The circumstance came down to be this: either take the test, wait for another opportunity ( which.. is very. unlikely); or take the opportunity and skip the test (which would end up with me failing the class).

Therefore.

As I said earlier. I'm going with what my heart wants.

I swear, I've never felt so scared in my whole life. And the main reason why I'm so intimidated is because of my own determination. I didn't know I had this kind of strength in me. I kept asking Him, and also myself, because Really. I didn't know I had it in me, haha. I knew that If it came down to it, I would drop everything and chase the dream. I knew that the opportunity I was hit with, is one of the rarest, once-in-a-lifetime chances that ever existed, and I am not about to let it go. So, I'm going to put up a damn good fight to get my dream.

Anyway, this whole thing, just made me realize that I want to return to my crying habits that I had when i was young. haha, I mean. Instead of shedding tears for things that can not be changed, I want to cry for things that are worthy (although,.. lol. the reason that i cried when i was 6 doesn't seem worthy now)

let's see.

so when i was 6, my grandfather let me delve into his collection of classic fairy tales ( in the original bindings)

and i was hit by the stomach flu

and i threw up ( which.. i think was the last time i ever threw up. i can't throw up! O: )

ON the book.

I cried SO HARD

because I was afraid I had damaged the book.

haha, seemed a worthwhile reason back then.

Anyway, this post is just to tell you guys. Tiffany Jin Cheng may put up a fake smile to hide her own insecurities and weaknesses, but she is no wimp. Give me your blessings and support please guys. I need the extra boosts for my strength and decision. I gotta go for my dream, and I know you guys agree. Help me out.

I appreciate it.

God, please give me your blessing and power also.