once again

As happy as I am to be here, in America, and not stuck in China, I am not happy to be here. With each passing moment, the reality of what I've been trying to avoid  is slowly growing in magnitude, inching at my brain, telling it to truly drown in what will probably be one of the most painful feelings I have felt, once again.
For the past 5 days, I've swallowed every wallowing tear, because I know that if I start crying, I wont' be able to stop.
Life is so ironic, so consumed with dark humor. I started college in this position, and now in my last year of undergrad, I'm in the exact same position, except with even more pain than I had in my first year.
I know what people will tell me. "It will all be okay. With time, the pain goes away."
Yet, how do I believe that when I can still remember how much it hurt the first time? Each time is a different type of pain. The first time stung, and every time a memory came up, it felt like needle pricks at my heart. I told myself I could handle it, because I gave myself time to be ready for it, and still recovery took me more time than I expected.
This time, the pain is much worse. It's not just stinging. It's tearing. It feels like something in me is being torn apart, over and over again. Every single moment my mind floats to it, the pain comes back, worse than the prior, tearing deeper and deeper.
I am so scared and so alone. I understand that I have people that care about me, and for that I am grateful. I feel their care. At the same time, I know they can't fix me.
Only one person can.. and that person happens to be the one to have broken me.
I can't listen to the songs we used to listen to without crying.
I can't look at old pictures without crying.
I can't read old messages and notes without crying.
I can't imagine him without crying.
So I've been avoiding all of these things.. because I know I can't handle it. But now that I'm back, I have no where to run. I have so many people and their opinions to confront. I need help.
I know all of these people are waiting to see how I react.. Will I be the strong female that puts on a smile, or  will I break down?
I don't know what I will be, but right now, I just want to figure things out.
For now, all I have is the ability to pray and wish that everything was just a dark, morose, nightmare, and that any moment, I will wake up.