Le Futur

Every time someone asks me, " tiffany, where are you going?" I would wish that they had not asked that. Honestly, I HAVE NO CLUE! I wish i did though, most definitely, but.. for sooth, that is of the future, and we, as nothing but regular human beings, specifically high school seniors, do not have the clairvoyant ability of prophecy. So... where do we go from here? What are we supposed to do? Wouldn't everything be a lotttt easier if.. there was some.. precedent that we can all copy and therefore, succeed? But, that would mean, we would not be individuals. Instead, we would be like... Barbies and Kens following each other in an assembly line with our only goal being the shiny plastic boxes we shall land in, so we can all be wonderfully sold. THAT would be depressing. Alas, what are we.. going to do? Well, I do not have the answer. However, personally, I am going to just.. go with my gut. Wherever i end up, is wherever i end up. I'm scared, nonetheless. 

That reminds me of a memorable quote from Bless Me, Ultima. Obviously, i do not know the actual quote verbatim. I will, however, paraphrase, and focus on the main point of the quote. It basically said, that "fear comes from what we do not know. With knowledge, fear dies away." True, no? Why are we afraid of death? We do not know what it's like...We.. do not know why it is what it is.. Why are we scared of the dark? We're not familiar with our surroundings in the dark. We lose knowledge of what can happen.. in the dark.

My grandfather told me a long time ago, because he knew that I am the type to over-analyze, and over-think.

He said, " Don't worry about the future. You don't have time for that. You need to focus on the present, and remember, don't dwindle in the past either. The present occupies 100% of your time, and that's that."

Okay, 爷爷, i shall focus on the present, and i hope, others will see the truth of the quotes i mentioned, and also will concentrate of the. "NOW" instead of the.. " LATER."

D'accord, another subject maintenant 

I really am being quite a selfish brat, and a bit of a nuisance lately. I feel like ... I'm adding piles and piles of just problems and bullshit on to his (his meaning.. well. you know, him. I'm sure you all know.. who i am talking about) already exponentially increasing mountain of work. Sometimes, when i think about it, i almost.. fall close to the emotion of resentment for his preoccupied schedule. Oh, he's very busy. Very. Extremely. Busy. I, why, I am a burden... am i not? It's just... hard for me to accept that he's so near, yet so far away. It's hard to know that he says he would be willing to make time for me, and yet, he would not do it, in reality. I'm afraid of losing him. So very afraid. Finding him, and.. "getting" him was a very long, and enduring process. I don't think i'd be able to bear throwing it all away, because.. I am bothered by these minor.. "difficult" things. I'm mad at myself for being so... moody, i guess, as.. i would put it. I shall appreciate. I promise. Truthfully, every moment with him, even if it is just hearing his voice, for minutes, seconds, or nano-seconds, those are all luxuries. Luxuries that I am afraid that i do not deserve, and yet, luxuries that remind me (uh oh. cheesy again) he is a miracle, and somehow, that i found this miracle. 

Oh gosh, so cheesy. ):

ANYYYYWAYYYSS. today is.. tuesday. Tomorrow is the PRELUDE TO SPRING CONCERT!

Also, was today, street light day of spirit week.

People were supposed to wear colors that designate their relationship status.

red = taken

yellow = dating, seeing someone

green = available

yes, i felt like such an idiot. I was DECKED OUT in red. I MEAN, DECKED OUT. HELL, my hair was even RED. But, whatever. SO WHAT if i'm PROUD, and.. HAPPY, and or show-offy that I have someone--someoneamazingasheis---to love? SOOOO FREAKING WHAT? 

okay, i'll stop being uselessly defensive.

bon soir, mes amis.

bon soir, mon amour, monsieur EK (que tu deteste)

"Vivre pour aujourd'hui, pas pour demain."

the beauty of raw emotion

I've realized lately that i have really taken a liking to the action of blogging. It's quite entertaining. A blog parallels a diary, except that i have the privilege and ability to compose my thoughts in a quick manner, and also, like a diary, i am certain that nobody reads my blog--which is not necessarily a bad thing. Yet, if people do read my blog, well, i am glad to pretend that nobody reads my blog, and therefore, spill out my frank beliefs and opinions on the most random of topics. After all, as i said in my first entry, my blog is to expose who i am, not conceal my true nature with a website facade.

ANYWAYS! On Sunday, which is yesterday, i re-dyed my hair. Alas, i left it on for twice the maximum amount of time suggested, and ergo, now i have UBER-RED hair. LITERALLY, my hair is.. RED! I mean, it basically jumps at you and SCREAMS with CAPRICIOUS JOY in your ear: "HOLY MACKEREL! I AM TIFFANY CHENG (or jin, whichever you prefer)'s HAIR, AND FUCK YEAH, i am REDDDDDDDD! LOOK AT ME, and be FRIGHTENED BY MY SHADE OF GULES."

Some people like it, others think i went too far with the color. :X Oh well, as my didi said, what's done is done. To the people who do not like my current hair color : " it's a good thing that it's temporary, hein?"

i bet you're wondering, "wth is HEIN?"

why, i just learned today that the HEIN of french, is the HMM? of ENGLISH.

so, there ya go. 

ah, about my title, which should be the thesis of my blog, that which i keep avoiding, not intentionally, but because i basically have the focus of a goldfish.

I was watching television, and I saw a doc. on acting classes, where one of the exercises is called "spill," and what was it you ask? Basically, people got on stage, and SPILLED their guts. Obviously not literally, but they spewed out raw emotion. I LOVED it. I was particularly won over by one girl who has been through bulimia, anorexia, chronic depression - depression so deep, it was close to bipolar disorder- and she just screamed out all of her frustrations onto the wooden plank of that tiny, secluded, stage (seclusion as irony). There's something about the magic of stage lights, and people who want to listen, that make you want to be yourself, that make you want to shed the layers of labels, and present yourself as almost.. a new born child, free from society ideals and pressures; a child who has no preconceptions -- born as the spawn of raw human nature. Quite wonderful, i might add. Now, about the magic of raw emotion -- it moves you like no other. How do movies, or.. events make you cry? It is the truth of emotion that hits something in your heart, as if.. that certain movie, or that certain event in the movie, speaks exactly how you feel at that very moment, and magnifies it. What, then makes a great actor/actress? It is their ability to convey.. raw emotion -- to tap within their own souls to bring forth something...REAL, so real that it is almost.. CONCRETE, even if.. emotion isn't exactly considered.. concrete. I cried along with that girl's spewing of emotion, because, she let out something that hits close to everyone. PAIN. Pain in the most sensitive form -- in the emotional form, not the physical. 

In a bigger spectrum of view, I have to say, I love being human. We're all so vulnerable, because we have emotion, and yet, these emotions make us stronger. We're all walking examples of an oxymoron -- well.. not that drastic. haha.

On a lighter note, i'm in a strangely good mood. As in, i want to.. frolic in some.. flowers or something. Go to the park, eat animal crackers, gaze stars, that sort of mood. hmmmmmmmmmmm, and yet, i rather not do those things, because i would have nobody to participate with... and well, what's the fun in doing things by myself? I'm kinda sick of being my own best friend. Doing that in my childhood was very.. boring. 

:/

-Alors, Adieu, mes amis.

"Ne pas juger. Nous sommes tout seul humain."

carpe diem, children.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO. today is sunday, the sunday after my 36 intense singing honor choir experience, to be exact. It is now.. 6:52 P.M.

Children, would you like to be informed of just how much work i have? let's just say.. HOLY FAHCK, I FAIL AS A SENIOR. i remember, back in the good old easy days (freshman year) through the hard knock life days (junior year), i would look at the seniors, roaming free like drug-infused gazelles, and i would think, damn it, those seniors, they have it so damn easy. They go out everyday, PART-A, and just.. enjoy life as they should. Now that i am a senior, i see that they are those that have succeeded in embracing the paradigm of SENIOR year.

I, however, am very different.

Here is my list of work to somehow accomplish:

1. 9 chapters of beloved

2. 2 lit devices

3. 5 objectives for anat.

4. poetry analysis

it might not seem like much, but ALAS, you have forgotten, my beautiful naive children, I, somehow, have MRS ARIAS. THE NICEST ENGLISH TEACHER FROM HELL.

she can give you 14 hours of work, if you have 1 hour to work, and she does it, NO not with a GROWL, but with a kind, loving smile, and a heart-warming "isn't it wonderful? oh honey, don't complain. :D"

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....iloveenglish ):

AH, and i bet you are wondering, what the hell does that have to do with the title?

why, i am very very very distraught these days.

while i was at honor choir, the director, Dr. Miller, gave an awe-inspiring speech that hit close to my current dilemmas..

he told us to spread the gospel of music, for so many in the world are not exposed to the every-day miracle.. that is MUSIC! but, that isn't what targeted my conundrums.

he told us " if there is anything, i mean ANYTHING, that you love more than singing, than being here, creating miracle through voice, than giving your heart and soul to produce this music.. then go do what that anything is... Know where you're at, why you're doing what you're doing, and have no regrets. Find out who you are, go WHERE you belong, do what you're meant to do. because only through THAT, can we be who we are, and seize the day."

As you all know, it is.. college decision time.

i honestly don't know where i am going.. and i honestly don't know who i truly am ( i don't mean like i'm schizophrenic or that i have amnesia, that sort of thing), where i belong.. I've asked myself many times what is the one thing that i love to do. And, i would tell myself.. why, SINGING, of course. Yet, i have been fed with the information that.. singing is just a hobby.. for my whole life. So... am i supposed to follow that exact path? Realistically? I am not about to become a choir teacher. OH GOD, please let me not be a choir teacher. And yet, how long can i sing? The other question would of course be... how long can i lie to myself and research medicine and pathology?

hm... quite a conundrum, as you see. I have until may 1st to figure out who the fuck i am. 

Now, the other dilemma.....

i've known from a long time ago.. that life is ... inevitably difficult, which makes sense, since, life is something precious. Why, it is the premier PHENOMENA of CREATION! (goodness, i sound like a fucking gospel. -_-) We have learned, as children, that something is worth it, if it is hard to accomplish. But it is hard.. very hard. Yes, it's true. I won't be able to see Elias for a lonnnng timeee... Because from this moment on, his every weekend is occupied, and I, have to accept that with a smile on my face. What an ugly and despicable facade. Sometimes.. i ask myself if it is all worth it (all meaning, the pain of waiting for him, the.. struggle of enduring other people's comments about our relationship, the struggle of ignoring what other people say, and... at most, the jealousy of seeing other couples together.. whenever they want to be together, and the frustration of seeing other couples take their time together for granted), and .. ( i am about to say something very cheesy, so if you don't like cheesy, i suggest you close your eyes, and scroll down) before i can even answer myself, my stupid ass romantic of a heart screams out " OF COURSE it's worth it. "

Still. very difficult. we're not the.. generic, tv/movie couple. But, he's right, I have no right to compare ourselves to others. We are who we are, and hopefully, we can make this work. Honestly though, I'm very afraid. I can lie to myself, and say that everything is going to be fine, but.. truthfully, I'm not so sure. I do not have the privilege to see him, not even.. every 2 or 3 weekends.. anymore. He is preoccupied with the mission for God, and I, I'm moving on to somewhere even farther than walnut is from UCLA, unless a miracle happens, and my appeal goes through. I do appreciate the few times that i do see him though. I guess.. those days of not seeing him, just make the days i do see him.. seem like little pieces of heaven. (that was pretty cheesy too, sorry for the lack of warning and discretion)

Thinking about this stuff makes my head hurt, and makes my blog not very amusing. 

SO, i shall switch topics.

to re-DYING my hair.

I, am leaving the color in for 1 hour this time, and hopefully, the dye does not seep through my scalp, enter my brain matter, corrupt the dura mater, and other layers of protection for the brain, then attack the hemispheres, only to leave me.. mentally... DESTROYED.

i'm just kidding, gosh, that was so dramatic. haha.

Honor choir was very fun. (: 

This week is the Choir's Prelude to Spring concert!

ALL o' Y'all should GOOOOO

'twill be very fun (:

anyways. i shall end this entry with a joke, so people do not think i'm like.. totally pessimistic and depressed or something. I want to leave my super long ass rant of a blog happily.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE. BETWEEN A LIGHT BULB... AND A PREGNANT WOMAN?

"you can unscrew a light bulb!"

and therefore, children, do not engage in sexual activity.

CONTROL YOURSELVES.

read heart of darkness, the only thing that novella concentrates on, is basically insanity from lack of restraint. UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO INSANE, CUT PEOPLE's HEADS OFF, AND USE THEM AS ORNAMENTS, AND THEN, HAVE A SICK WOMAN AS YOUR FIANCEE, AND ANOTHER WOMAN FOLLOWING YOU WHILE YOU'RE ON A BOAT TO CIVILIZATION, AND THEN, ONLY TO DIE WITH ANOTHER INSANE MAN BY YOUR SIDE, 

have some restraint.

hahahahahahaha 

aiite, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (please imagine that coming from Arvin's mouth, as it was in the school production of The Sound of Music"

"Saisir le jour, pour le temps attend personne"

'til another day, au revoir, mes raisons d'etre.

newwblogblogblog? :/

It has become quite apparent to me that many prefer to use this website as a blog, and therefore, I have chosen to conform to the standards of peer outlook, meaning, in simpleton, I shall also use this blog.

aside from the gross flamboyant and pretentious language, this blog is to virtually expose my personality.

By expose I mostly likely mean explain, expand, disclose.

not like... au naturale.

pshh, i'm not about to exclaim all of my secrets...

sometimes.

Anyways, my choice in layout, does not make me emo, or goth, or dark, or gloomy, melancholy, happiness deprived whatever.

I chose it, because, well, doesn't it create a nice contrast with the color of the words?

As much as I'd like to come up with some witty, clever reason as to why I chose such a layout, I'm simply going to leave the reason up to the power of contrast.

Now, as to the link/title/name of my blog.

I realize-as tiffany ha had stated- that many believe that i should have a talk show.

my reaction:

1. AH! i'm flattered (: But, I am sure... that 99.9% of people would be bored with my talk show after .... well, say, 30 seconds. The only person that would keep watching would probably be Edward Shi (with the exception that I only talk about Mariah Carey. HA!)

2. Talk show, really? Like.. Oprah, or... Ellen? Because, i like Ellen way better. Not that I am suggesting anything of my sexual orientation, not that that's not okay, because well, I'm cool with her, you know, uh, preference for the fairer sex, but well I, on the other hand, I like going on a secure, straight, solid path...............

solid and secure not referring to any sexual innuendoes

GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER

just kidding.

Wow, blogs really make me ramble. ramble ramble ramble blah blah blah.

anyways, I took the Calculus AB AP prac. exam today, with the whole shitload of bitchyass problems. ( As you see, i had refrained from cussing for a while, and therefore, i shall cuss)

By the time I was done with the free response, i wanted to leap out of my chair and RUSH OUT

but... to my demise...

i could not... leave.

it went like this:

"Ms. Nichols, I have finished with my free response, can i please go?"

" Is the allotted time over?"

" well.. no."

"well then,  you just answered yourself. sit down, and KEEP TRYING! Keep trying to FISH FOR POINTS, BECAUSE, WELL, you never know HOWWW many points you can FISH OUT!"

holy crap... this woman fucking loves calculus

CONGRATULATIONS 

sorry i don't feel the same.

Sure, she's one hell of a nice lady, but i would definitely have preferred she'd be a littttttle less fervent after such a long period of time of MATH. oh, alas, WONDERFUL WONDERFUL MATH.

since when has math become.. not my favorite subject?

probably since i learned that PI is no longer just PI

but PI over TWO.

or.. PI over.. SIXTEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

okay, i'm done  with my rant with math. :X

Anyways, i hope my blog can be one hell of an entertaining blog.

even if i do go off on the weirdest of tangents... most of the time.

like... NOW.

haha

"BUT I DIGRESS" - Mrs. Long 

My original point was that, i chose such a link for my blog, because.. i want people to get to know me, that is, if they want to.

and.. hopefully, if they read on, and as they read on, 

they will discover "whoisjincheng"

(;

ya dig?

-toujours, "mon raison d'etre"

"c'est l'amour, et seulement l'amour qui fait la vie vivante!"

J'ai FINI! (:

pour maintenant.