what's wrong?

Honestly, I think the answer to that question is .. well, one again.. me. I feel like I am a failure at doing anything correctly. How many times will it take before I lose all of those around me because I've wronged too much? I don't like how that cloud of guilt lingers over my head. Sometimes I think to myself of how I've messed up so many times. And though people say, I do not need to apologize for the things I've done, somewhere in my heart, I know that they are just too tired to forgive again. It's that type of " I'm so used to it" feeling, that I don't want people to have, and yet they do. How do I make things right? How do I stop conflict.. I wish I knew. I wish there could just be some God-sent sign that blatantly prescribes: " This is what you do:" Yet, what a fantasy. Some things are for myself to figure out. Except this time, it seems the problem is a part of me. So it comes down to, if I'm willing to change myself in order to make things right. Well, am I? I know for this one particular person, I'd do it. Too bad I'm not sure if that will solve all the problems. 

I don't understand why things have to be so hard. Not anymore. I finally realize the kind of pain, frustration, and hopelessness that one of my friends had felt before. 

"Why must things be so hard? Why can't things be easy? Let's just.. enjoy all the good. There's no reason for things to be hard. I'm sure I'll still learn to treasure the good times, even if there are not the hard times." ______ said.

Yeah, I get what you mean now. I don't know how to make things... good all the time, no matter how much I wish it. Harsh words, Cold feelings, Soulless eyes. I don't want any of that. I want warm smiles, longing glances, sincere whispers. How do I keep from messing up? Somebody teach me, please? I miss laughing and smiling, and doing nothing but. Those things seem so  far away, and all of those trivial things like fighting, bickering are the only things that end up staying in my head. And those are the things that bother me for nights to come, Those are the things that instill my insomnia. 

A rock hanging over our heads...

I'm trying my best to not let that rock fall. I swear. I may not be able to solve all the problems in the world, but.. I can try can't i?

an attempt is better than not doing anything at all. I'd rather put all I have in solving a problem, than sitting on the side being a crybaby. 

I feel like I've lost so much already. I don't think I can risk losing anymore. I really don't. Even if people say I'm addicted to pain, to conflict. Fine, so be it. But.. I really do think if I lose one more thing, I will break. Especially now. I'm way too scared to let things fall apart. I want to keep things from falling apart. 

Help me out here.

Please. 

I'm getting tired. Lend a helping hand.

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I don't like the threat of low blood sugar. I don't like the idea of being able to wake up one day, and collapsing right down, and fall into a deep, long sleep, and waking up somewhere cold, filled with syringes.

pills are gross too.

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Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me, and why I do the things I do. I don't have the right to do any of those things. I guess I just get scared sometimes, and I run for refuge, whatever that is. Forgive me. I will change.

That, I promise. And a promise is a promise.

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Maybe it's true, maybe it's time to reinvent myself. Let's start over.

Hi, My name is Tiffany Cheng, or Jin, if you don't mind. I've always had two names. It's a little stumble my father made, but I kind of love it. I love singing my heart out, and the smell of a forest after an afternoon shower of rain. I carry quite a few faults, but I'm glad to change them if they ever threaten your happiness or comfortability. I want to be a good person, so let me help, and in so, you help me become a good person. I'm really emotional, but I don't show it to many people, unless it hits somewhere deep (that's why I usually never cry during sad movies). I have this stupid syndrome in which I keep up a wall with anyone I meet, but I swear, once you get to know me, I act like I'm part of your family. It gets annoying at times. I pour out everything about me to a person once I trust them, and TRUST ME, it's very easy for me to trust. The thing is, I can lose trust very quickly too. But, I'm also a firm believer in forgive and forget, and the idea of second chances. So don't worry, I come around. Lollipops make me happy, especially strawberry creme flavored ones, and sour patched kids can cheer me up for any problem. As you can tell, I have a sweet tooth, and so I always end up eating a bunch of snacks and things that are bad for me, whenever I'm not feeling like myself. One of the most important things is, I'm extremely awkward. And I don't mean lanky awkward (that's the cute kind of awkward). I'm the kind of awkward that will make you awkward, and it's like a genetic disorder. I have no clue how to cure it. I'm embarrassing too. Don't be surprised if we're eating ice cream, and somehow, my hand misses the spoon and lands in the ice cream. That's happened to me before. I'm also super clumsy (a side effect of awkward). But it's okay, I apologize to every chair/table/inanimate object I run into. I'm polite, even if it's to things I don't need to be polite to. I think the most important thing in life is to always have Love, so as you can tell. I'm romantic and quixotic as hell is hot. 

Although, That's all you need to know for now. 

I can't say everything about me within 1 paragraph anyway. 

To be continued.