rip it up, kids.

i don't know how to describe what i feel right now. I wish I could. Part of me longs to feel some sort of sadness, depression, and yet.. nothing's there. Another part of me's telling me to be happy, "good riddance." Yet, none of that precipitates as well. Apathy is all that lingers after " it" flies down the chute. Towards a recycling bin, i'm sure. All that matters to me right now.. is who i am, what the hell i want, and how to take care of those that care for me.. well, not all of those that care for me... and by that i mean, those people that say they care, but... really don't show it.

congrats.

you're 7 days late. exactly a week.

i'm sorry. i don't believe any of the shit that you said.

i'm sorry. i tore it up to shreds. i felt an adrenaline rush caused by a sudden emergence of anger.

you're right.

nothing. nothing between.

nothing of you, nothing of me.

you're nothing. Who the hell are you?

Don't let me ever see you again.

Yes. I do thank you.

taught me a lot about myself, and about what i want.

yes.

you may be the one person in this whole world that i will never give redemption to. the one person that i will render undeserving of an 8th chance.

i counted.

should've stopped a long time ago.

be confused. things are confusing.

humans are confusing.

never should've happened.

a fairy tale gone wrong.

very true. no happy ever after's in reality.

i'm sure you'll find one. you're not cursed.

i'm Jin xed.

i'm not searching. i'm not waiting. i'm not ready.

i don't feel anything anymore. it's that same feeling of numb you get after drinking too much alcohol

but trust me. i'm responsible.

don't tell me to not be strong. you took away too much. i don't have much left to be strong.

i don't have the strength to be kind anymore.

not to you.

or care for you.

none of that.

i hope you're happy.

go for it, forget me. oh wait. i'm sure you already have.

it's easy for you.

you've done it before.

multiple times.

don't say you wish for something good for me.

i find that to be nothing but words to make yourself feel better.

make yourself feel like you're a good person, with good ideals, and good morals.

no.

you said it.

you're bad.

go use yourself.

goodbye.

One of those days

Today is one of those days that I wish to not let anyone into my bubble. It's not as if today is a bad day. I don't think it is. It's just a regular, normal, boring day, and yet today I woke up with loneliness hitting me in the head. However, that's not a bad thing. I need to be hit with it sooner or later. Loneliness is never a bad thing. It's an enzyme for the reaction that produces my growth. I love independence. It makes me feel like I can amount to something. Who doesn't love that?

People always want things that they can not have. I wish that wasn't true, but it is..

In the physical end, people with curly hair want straight hair; people with straight hair want curly hair. In the metaphysical end, people with a partner want to be alone, people without a partner want partners. Why the hell do humans torture themselves so? Hey, but don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I need a partner, or straight hair. haha. I think I'm in the time period of my life where I need to take time off for myself, and find out who I am, and be completely comfortable with who I am. I think I'm not a bad person. No. I Know that I'm not a bad person. I'm not going to lie, I do bad things, but the thing is, who doesn't do bad things? A person who lives without any sin in his/her life is nonexistent. That's the key to being human. : Knowing what you do wrong, and minimizing the quantity of bad things done. Not.. Knowing what you do wrong, and absolutely being the most perfect person ever created on the face of this earth. because face it: PERFECTION IS NONEXISTENT. Paradoxically, perfection is imperfect. Would you want a perfect person? I wouldn't. Think about it. Intimidating, isn't it?

So no. I'm not going to lie.

Yes, I said I wasn't going to drink, and No. I did not keep that promise. I guess it runs in the family. My father drinks, so do I. I'm not an alcoholic, even if I used to drink at that amount. I know how to control myself, and I will not, do not let myself get drunk. I'm no idiot, and I know what I'm doing. I'm not doing it to fit in; not to run from my problems (although it helps), I'm doing it because I want to. It's an experience. Calm and Collected, that's what I aim for, and so far, that's what it has been. I keep myself intact. I watch over others and keep them intact. I'm no demon, but I'm definitely no angel either. So excuse me for my actions. I apologize for contradicting my words, yet I do not apologize for my actions. Circumstances change, and one promise I'll always keep: no regrets. I won't do anything I'll regret. keep your trust in me.

Tattoos.

the next topic.

I am planning to get inked. with my fellow pledge sister, Gabby.

tattoo of what? haven't really decided yet

I'm kind of in a pickle between two.

1. solid, purely black wings on the back of my shoulders (one on each shoulder)

-meaning: I find myself to be a fallen angel. I try to be good, but of course, I'm imperfect, and I'm proud of my imperfections. I'm no angel, but.. that doesn't mean i'm not good-natured, or that I don't have a strong set of morals, or that I don't have kindness, pathos. But, I am definitely not a push-over, not all-merciful (although i do forgive and forget easily), so there you go. I feel those wings would fit me quite well.

2. Music staff of one measure, within the measure, a treble sign, and the notes F A C A D E. and cursive façade under it.

-Meaning: The treble sign because I sing in the range of tenor-soprano, all in the treble clef. haha. that's about it for that. Facade because.. I used to, and probably still (a bit) put up a facade towards people that I'm not close to. I've always had trouble trusting people after they lose my trust, so they get the Façade. It is quite a flaw but it is who I am, and I do try very hard to change that part of me, yet it.. no matter what, is a part of me (even if it will become a part of my past), and I want it to stick with me. So yes, that's an option as well. Oh, also because a lot of people see me, and they give a "façade" for me (like a stereotype), but I end up being something else = the real me. So, I think it'd be cool to accept what I am to others, it'l help me keep my actions intact, and my identity straight.

Which do you guys think is the one for me?

Or do you guys have other suggestions?

Hit the comment board! (:

dig it.

5 stages of grief.

It's amusing for me to look back on my blogs, and see how they've steered away from that particular topic as time went along. Comments about that particular topic gradually faded from the paradigm words of true feelings. No matter how slow a transition it was.. It is accomplished. Dealt. Understood.

An amazing friend of mine pointed out to me:

" You're being so pathetic. Don't you realize what the hell you're going through? It's the exact same 5 steps of mourning that widows go through, and you haven't lost anything. Actually, you should feel exuberant in release."

That. was 2 months ago.

So.

first step.

1. Denial

This.. can't be true. Everything was fine. Everything was turning out so well. It seemed like I was doing things right for once, so why the hell is everything falling apart?

2. Anger.

That's right, I was fucking pissed. It didn't make any sense to me why something I sacrificed so much for gets to be destroyed in my own hands. What kind stupid ass situation is this.

3. Bargaining.

Maybe I'll try harder. Maybe.. maybe I'll stop hoping. Maybe.. I'll just. do all I can. I would give everything that I have to offer to make it work. Deal?

4. Depression.

For nights on end, I felt so damn alone, dejected, unwanted, worthless. I wondered why, what, and how it came down to all this. What did I do to deserve it. How much I have put in to paradoxically receive this kind of consequence. Too many tears to mention.

5. Acceptance.

Fuck it, I'm stronger than that. Independence is a gift, not a condemnation. I'll utilize it to my advantage.

So I inadvertently flew through the 5 stages of grief, without ever noticing that I did.

I like moving on. New people. New feelings. New environment. New everything.

Truthfully. I didn't do anything wrong, and I believe it. I gave it my all.

And I would doubt my innocence in the matter, if it were not for confirmations from many.

But, in the end, others' opinions do not matter. It is my own that stands.

Happiness is what I make of it. I'll find happiness.

I swear, and I'll be the last one to smile, laugh.

Although, I wish for happiness too, and laughter from.. that. also.

the end.

for now.

(:

"way down in Berkeley"

So, it's true. It has already been 1 and a half weeks that I've been studying at UC Berkeley.. in.... well..Berkeley, California. I stand corrected. Berkeley, I LOVE YOU! haha.

College is definitely hard. I spend everyday studying/reading/homeworking/quizzing/etc../repeat../repeat.../repeat

But, i go out too, I party, I try to have fun, and let loose. About.. 1 -2 times per week, or else I'm sure I'll find some way to jump off the famous "suicidal math building" (which now has glass railings around it to prevent suicide attempts)... yummmmaaay

haha

But why do I love it here?

I mean, some people absolutely hate it here. Some people (which used to be me) hates everything about this place. But I love the whole vibe, I love the attitude that people have. Nobody has the attitude of.. ... well.. nothing. And, it seems everybody knows.. what they want to study... not as in, what they want to do for the rest of their lives, but as in they know what they're interested in, and they're not afraid to go after it. It's.. inspirational.

I love how, people are all so passionate. Hey, even the hobos are passionate.

I don't think I've ever met such a knowledgeable and devoted homeless man before as the one that wanders around Sproul. He screams out his ideals of religion, and in the things he speaks of, there are some crazy relevant theories of human behavior that he extracted out of his passion for religion.

Another reason is probably.. I feel like I can really be myself here.

There are actually people who think what I like, what I want to study, what I'm interested in is.. well.. not. WEIRD

haha.

So what if I'm into diseases (the really gross kinds), or psychotic twists in human behavior?

There could be another person down the block who is interested in necrophiliac behavior.

it's alllll good

come visit me, guys.

there's amazing food around berkeley..

maybe not IN the school dining halls..

but anywhere else in berkeley,

we've got bomb food.

and thrift stores.

and.. JUST AMAZING PEOPLE (:

I miss you all.

hope you think of me too