back to blogspot

I tried the whole tumblr thing-a subconscious desperate attempt to fit in with the rest of the world-and it didn't work out all that well for me. I feel as if tumblr exposes my thoughts to a level that creates nothing but.. nervousness, by that I mean.. there is a point where I feel like people know too much. We all reside on spectrums, and one of them is knowledge. It is better to sit in between the two extremes, than to slide on over to a side. We should know more than absolutely zilch, but we should never know everything. Of course, knowing everything is literally impossible. But, letting people know my every thought in an environment where people read blogs to find what's new, instead of reading blogs to understand, is reaching my limit on the spectrum. Therefore I'm back. Blogspot has always been more of an intimate experience with me, and I trust it, and it's community, to let me once again express myself through writing.. or typing.. haha.

Speaking of spectrums... sometimes I feel as if people view me as.. someone that is extreme in morality. I mean that some see me as very strict and orthodox, kinda sorta like what Chinese people call Qing Gao, where I'm kinda high and mighty because I'm structured, and I have not a fine line, but a concrete well-established wall between what is wrong and what is right. Then, there are people who see me as kind of lax, all over the place, not really having any thought about straying off path. Heh. well, I'm somewhere in between. I sway, I waver, I lose direction. However, I'm not the type to ever let myself continue in the wrong direction, if it were to happen (because sometimes things get out of our control without our discretion), I'd be sure to pull myself back. My grandfather instilled in me a very strong set of morals that I am set on living by for the rest of my life, but I'm still a human being that makes mistakes, that feels anger, pain, and sorrow for those mistakes, that moves on from mistakes a new, more understanding, wiser person.

So, as most of you may have noticed. Recently, I don't really post a blog unless.. something amuses me, or something bothers me. Unfortunately, Today is a type of " darn it. this is kinda biting at my ass, no matter how i try to ignore it."

Once again, I've somehow distanced myself from my friends.. this time not so much that I don't hang out enough with them ( though I really don't). But, that fact isn't the main problem. The main problem is that I feel as though I've lost people I can count on. Sometimes i feel unappreciated when I do something for someone, and the second after that something is accomplished, that someone ceases to talk to me. It makes me wonder if I'm something of a tool to them, instead of a human being? What happened to the push and pull between a relationship? Then, there are those that really don't seem like they care for my passion, love, or disappointment. I mean, I'm not saying that my friends should watch my every move like a stalker, petition for a TIFFANY day, and crown me the ultimate center of attention. No NOT THAT AT ALL. What i'm saying is.. it would be nice.. if that one person, that one person that with whom I supposedly have the best relationship, it'd be nice if that person supported me once. I'm not trying to imply that... I was there at every time that person needed support, because sometimes I fuck up too, but .. what I'm asking for is... 1 sign of effort. It doesn't have to be huge, and i hope it doesn't have to be forced. It just hurts to see this person tell me that " sorry I have no time" and to seem them spend 2 hours lounging during which this person isn't supposed to have time.... It hurts to the point.. where I wonder if this person realizes.. that I exist. I'm not just someone to turn to when there is something wrong.. I'm a human being that sometimes needs someone to turn to, too.

Since when did my friendships resemble one way streets? Since when did things start to go out of control? Is college really that big of an influence on our characters, that after one year, everything is different? Can situations change people from the inside out?

I'm scared that my friends have changed towards one direction, and I was supposed to change with them... but like some sort of a growth impediment... my conscience steered me somewhere else.

In the midst of this, I find myself thankful for him. He makes me feel loved, cared for, important. He is there for me whenever I've fallen, and he's there for me whenever I've flown. He makes me feel safe.. he's my anchor and my prince charming.

Anyway, this post is in no intention an insult or complaint. It is just a flow of my thoughts as I try to get ready for the rest of the day. I'm a bad blogger, I am. ): Hopefully, there are those of you, or just singularly you out there who still enjoys my writing and finds contingence with it.

(: "Connexion de l'homme dépend de l'appréciation."

quelque fois. at least.

what happens happens

Sometimes it scares me to realize how much I’ve changed, both for the better and for the worse. I’ve become so much more apathetic, so much more unforgiving when it comes to the matters of friendship. For some reason - after years of my father scolding me for always living not for myself, but for my friends- recently, this notion struck into my head and manifested. Unconsciously I’ve been surrounding myself with people I value, that also value me, while at the same time, I’ve been avoiding those who don’t give back to me what I give to them. I’m not sure that’s such a good thing. It seems that I’ve become colder, more introverted, and yet, the power to be able to choose whom i associate myself with is … well, inviting. In one year, I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve done so much wrong. I don’t regret anything, because i promised myself at a young age that I should never regret, only learn and move on. It’s just that, at times I look back at the past year, and I want to smack myself upside the head and say ” why the hell did you do that?” Honestly, I have no clue at the time. I guess the overwhelming transition of college got to me, and I lost control at times. I suddenly feel older.. not just age-wise, but experience-wise. So much older.

The Only Child Dilemma

There have been many studies on the effect birth order has on a child's personality, and one particular area that perplexes the population is the vicinity that deals with an only child. An only child is not born technically first, or last.. or middle.. because it is one single person, with no other person to establish a chronological order. So, what are the effects of being assumed to be a spoiled brat on personality?( Excuse the fancy schmancy flowery filler language used above, it is only for aesthetic purposes. )
Only children lack siblings, so they usually end up having problems in socializing with others near their age. Also, they are prone to develop an inner/outer type personality. a.k.a. the hybrid mixture of intro&extrovert, which means that the only child sometimes is OMG I LOVE PPL, and sometimes the only child is GET AWAY I WANT TO BE ALONNNNEEE.
now THAT is one trait i definitely agree with. Being an only child, I am the epitome of intro/extro hybrid.. at times, i'm all about hanging out with the friends, going out, meeting new people, socializing like crazy, but like a switch of the light, in 1 quick second i can switch to " okay alone time." I've always thought that was a weird trait in my personality, that sometimes i just really like being by myself, doing something quiet, either working out, or studying, or doing some arts and crafts, or even recording covers ( although that's not exactly quiet). But hey.. you know what? Lots of people need to be alone sometimes... As much as humans love interaction with other people, the beautiful push and pull created by relationship, sometimes we just need a little off time to sort things out with ourselves. It's that age-old theme of man vs. self. In order to do our best to prevent a huge conflict between man vs. self, we all just need some portion of our week, or month, or i don't know year, if u don't need that much time to urself, to figure out what our inner self is saying to us. So i hope people understand why at times i'm quiet, and I just want to be quiet. IT's not often, and i'm not in a bad mood, and i still love everybody, it's just intro mode for a bit.
But that's the main topic i'm trying to cover here. One trait that the only child displays that really left an echo in my brain is.. the black and white sight. This doesn't mean that only children are more prone to color blindness or something, or their brains live in the 1920's (or whenever black and white was the rage). The Black and White trait means that only children are more likely to believe that things can either be.. well, black. or white. not.. gray. And it's true. Im very black and white in most of my beliefs. Especially in one particular area.

L'amour.

In matters of love and romance, i take on this super black/white ideal. I love hard, I hate hard (not really, i don't really hate hard, but i mean I fall out of love hard). When I love someone, I give them my heart and soul, I let down my walls, I give them all I can give. I throw my trust at them, I see nothing but them, I think about no one romantically but them. My world suddenly is concentrated on that one person. When I fall out of love, I put up that wall, I vacuum my trust, romanticism, love, all back within those walls. I'm not the kind to "kind of" love someone. I'm very either, u love, or u don't. I don't take maybes. Love is.. too concrete for me. not that it is a concrete.. subject, because well it isn't.. it's abstract. but what i mean is Love is.. monumental, and important, and very.. established. So u either have it, or u don't. period. I don't take gray area possibilities in the topic of love. But, sometimes I wonder if this black/white trait in my personality is what's screwing me over. I mean, not now, because i'm very happy right now. What i'm trying to say is.. maybe.. this.. black/white view of love is what's keeping me so quixotic all this time. Because I love extremely hard, pouring out every bit of romance i have contained within. I'm young now, quixotism is still allowed.. but when i'm older, and supposedly more mature, more experienced with life, would it still be wise to be so lovedrunk? Probably not. I often catching myself thinking about this aspect of the future, and I know i've said before, that I should just concentrate on the present, because it's already a handful. and yet, when i get time to relax (seldom) I can feel my mind wandering about the future, because.. well, I want a future with him. feel no pressure though, i won't mind if it doesn't turn out that way. well i will mind. but. i mean, not .. forever and with a deathly grudge.

hm... but for now, i'll just. revel in my lovesick happiness and not worry myself with proponents of the future. but it was very cool to learn that the black and white trait is actually associated with the fact that im an only child. seems these days there's a scientific explanation for everything. not sure that's good, but. that's.. the world we live in.

now, an anticlimactic switch haha.

To all those high school seniors, who are becoming 1st years in college. I am going to inform you of the wonderful world of " OPTIONS" in college.

Today, I will cover the option of. HOMEWORK.

If there is one thing, that gets on my nerves about what comes with college, this has to be at the top of my list (short list, because well college really doesn't get on my nerves).

so, in college, ur professors are not.. the nice trainers that you have in your local gym that tell you " YOU DO THIS. YOU GET FIT. WSUP, WHATS GOOD"

no.

they are the passive aggressive mean girls in your high school that tell you " kay, so like.. u don't have to do this stupid dare. but if you do.. like. omg, that's like. totally cool. but i'm like so not forcing you. yeah!"

what i mean is. they do this thing, where they make homework sound.. like.. it's. just a daily tiny choice. like, either using the anti-cavity toothpaste... or the whitening toothpaste. It's not.. really like that though.

You're going to walk into lecture ( that is if you choose to go, that's another option i will talk about next time), and by the end, they will tell you: " I have posted an assignment that is completely optional. Do it if you wish."

and you're thinking, do it if i wish? wuh? oh psh, that probably means it's trivial. ha, i don't need to do it. that's so nice of my professor! he/she gave me the option.

no.

NO.

that. is the WRRRONNNNGGG choice.

see this OPTIONAL homework.. is like. the hidden steps toward heaven. u miss these steps, ur on a first class ticket to bad grades land. ( unless ur one of those people that dont need to study and end up with straight A's. and if so, oh my god i bow down to you please give me a portion of ur brain).

this homework, basically is. " yeah you dont HAVE to do it. but if you want a decent grade, you better start on it and u better pwn it."

sigh.

good stuff huh

but. i'm not saying that professors are doing this on purpose to torture you or something. nah, they're.. actually very nice people. And though they don't really care if you succeed or fail, they usually want their class average to look at least a little bit appealing, so they don't get a total " I HATE THIS PROF" on ratemyprof. Professors are caring, and they give you the option of this homework because this homework will help you to succeed. ( unless it's ur english homework, well then that's not optional. u either do it, or u well, aren't really.. taking the tests, and thats what ur grade is mainly based on). So if you get an optional homework assignment, go home. thank your prof silently in ur heart, and actually do the homework. or try. i know it's optional, but it's assigned for a reason.

that's all for now .

comment, discuss

yeah, all that stuff haha

read it and weep.

Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

back in school, summer style

Sorry, with everything hectic that's been going on in China, and trying to find some days at home, once again i failed to blog. ):

So, what has happened in this period of time:

1. i wanted to give up

2. i had a revelation

3. i got another tattoo

and i bet you guys are thinking. WAIT WAIT WAIT hold up. ANOTHER ONE? YOU HAD A FIRST TATTOO?

yeah for sure guys haha. I forgot to post the first one. so

i will post pictures of both of them.. RIGHT NOW!

First one:

Second one:

Now onto the other topics.

1. I wanted to give up. Why? I think I know now. Being the young teenager that I am ( kind of i'm turning 19 soon), of course my idea of a typical summer is running around in the sun, laughing alongside good friends, with some froyo in hand, and no worries in mind. However, that wasn't the summer i was given, nor is that the summer I am having now, but the point is, I expected all of this, and yet, i let my immaturity, and shallow interests shadow the importance of why I was putting myself through all this boredom and work: because if anything, my main reason of life is to achieve my own personal dreams, and if so, help others achieve theirs. I forgive myself now, because.. for a while, in China, while i was fatigued to the very last drop of energy everyday from dance practice, piano practice, etc., I really was angry with myself for hating most of it ( I say most, because dance practice was actually kind of fun, when my uncle wasn't totally weird meandering around all over the place). But, now I know why I didn't like it. I was stuck in China with my grandparents who weren't exactly mobile, and they are extremely overprotective, because after all they raised me, and I was stuck being followed everywhere by this annoying, and i'm sure deep down caring, uncle who basically was a total ocd freak who might as well do nothing but stare at his own hands all day to count bacteria. I shouldn't really use the word stuck, because I should be lucky to still have time with them while they can spend time with me (this referring to my grandparents), and yet, I do use the word stuck because that is exactly how I felt in China, and why wouldn't I? I was doing the same routine every single day, with seemingly no progress shown, because once again, the host had an important international meeting to go to in Japan on the day my show was supposed to be taped, and therefore, I have to go back to China again in august. So, to me, at that time, it seemed I was doing all that stuff for absolutely no reason. So, I forgive myself for giving into my own shallow interests. And, also, one day, I realized why I was doing all that.. because I want to sing.. and yet, why do I want to sing, and share it with the world?

Bing! we come upon point number 2.

2. I realized.. that. I want to sing because.. well, there are some people out there that enjoy my singing. As long as one person wants to listen to me sing, I will keep singing. I just hope it isn't like 5 billion + ppl that hate my singing, with 1 person that wants to listen, that's actually pretty pathetic hahahaha. But i will still keep singing nonetheless, because that 1 person wants to hear it.

i give props to that one person, that is stamina.

anyway, so the main theme of this whole blog entry is...

never.. give up your dreams, whether it be, some random spurt of want or need you have one day, or your childhood dreams, or your lifelong goals. Never give them up.

And yes, we all waver from time to time, but remember this: You dream for a reason. You live for a reason. Yes you may have a different reason of life, but your dreams are what keeps that playground aspect in life. ( that whole, the world is a playground, waiting for you to explore). If you lose your dreams, life becomes one boring old black and white film, that has no wonders for you to uncover. So keep dreaming, keep reaching. You'll get it. I promise. We as humans are extraordinary creatures, and we were made with the capacity to grab onto any dream we conceive... think about it..if we can't grasp those dreams.. then why can we dream? Whoever created us isn't cruel enough to let us dream, but not be able to get them.

at least, that's my opinion.

"Garder rêver, les rêves vous font et la vie vivante. "

glide, slice.

I realize my title is both confusing and nonsensical, but that's because I don't mean literally gliding or slicing, but rather metaphorically, or metaphysically gliding through the block that is of life, and slicing through the obstacles that are newly established now, those that are keeping me from freedom and achievement. A while ago, I received a moving bible verse on "God wants you to know today", and it basically gave me a big awakening slap in the face, of which i am very thankful for.

The verse told me something that i needed to hear since long ago, but it's just different hearing it from any entity other than God. God is all knowing, omniscient, omnipotent, I trust in him, i trust that he knows where i'm supposed to be heading, and so for Him to send unto me the exact words i need definitely gives me motivation to take that fearsome and rocky first step. It's not that other peoples' encouragements and loving pushes don't help me to keep going, it's just that.. though these boosts have gotten to me to such a high level, I needed that one last surge of power from God. and i got it through that coincidental (or not...?) verse that said to me:

(bear in mind i have to rephrase, or else i have to pay 18 dollars just to see it again. yay facebook rip offs, way to take away the holiness hahahahaha, sort of)

OH btw, i'm gonna say this in tiffany terminology, i'm sure God doesn't speak in tiffany ghetto vernacular

" ay yo. get cho ass off yo seat and stop wondering of what the future is going be like. you want your dream? CHASE for it. jump. take that leap. grasp that chance. Take that chance that you can't look back on, because looking back is what's holding you there erect without any further development. so. as i said, get cho ass up, and get to it. This is your day. this is your chance. grasp it."

haha, like i said, exactly what i needed.

And, it also confirmed my determination to get my second tattoo of wings & carpe diem under them.

wings because with God and those loving people around me, my shoulders are strengthened so that i may take that leap, and not fall to the ground, but fly up and succeed into what i've been waiting for. Carpe diem, because i know, from now on, every day is for me to grasp. This is my day. I can't let opportunities pass, I can't let days pass. Time to hold on.

Cool

now for a lighter topic.

haha

life is good right now, at least in my opinion. I have someone that i love dearly, that loves me back. It seems like I've finally found someone that truly takes me for who i am, and understands every single stage of thought, emotion, anything, i go through. it's crazy. it's as if he is able to guess my every move before i even think of them. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like i have worth. i'm lucky. thank you God for bringing him to me. and thank you, for letting me into your world.

i haven't blogged in so long, that i feel like you guys probably know nothing of what's going on in my life these days. haha.

it's almost time for my FCS concert, and the second U chor concert of this semester.

fun stuff.

ooh so guys, i kind of want to join theatre rice. it's this asian acting community club, and i dunno, i guess after years of being in the musicals, and helping others by acting in ms. karr's video project assignments, it's strange to just suddenly stop acting completely. i miss it, even if i'm not great at it. but the thing is, if i do join, i basically will have weeks where i will be at rehearsal until 2 am.... is it worth it? hm. i hope you guys and God will give me some perspective.

woo. okay. haha what a rant post.

anyway, classes are eh right now. Ever since that dream chasing trip, things have kind of faded in comparison to my dream, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. Everything is supposed to be seen in equality, so things are .. very imbalanced right now, which is obviously bothersome to the equilibrium-conscientious (most of the time) me. I gots to get my ass movin'

for sooth.

Alright, i will start updating this blog more often, yeah?

now for some universal words:

It's okay to feel like things are going out of control.. It's okay to relinquish the power that you've always held onto for a good portion of your life. It's okay to take a leap and drench somebody else will all your trust. It's okay. You may get hurt, you may be damaged, but know that these experiences aren't apparent to knock you down permanently. They exist so you can get back up, stronger than you were before. those slumps in your life are what teaches you to appreciate the good, to find the goodness of life for yourself. Those are the things that lift you up to another level, and through these experiences, you will find somebody that is always there for you, and I don't mean just God. There is somebody out there, quietly, silently, supporting you, pushing you forward. It could be your parents, it could be your friend, it could be your grandmother that doesn't talk to you anymore, it could be Him, it could be someone you never expected to find.

Because i met him, he taught me that it's okay to give trust away. Because of him, I realized what head over heels meant.

Because of him, I am happy again.

i share my happiness with all of you, for i wish all of you to be happy.

(:

i promise, i will blog more.

I PROMISE.

i miss this.

haha

i miss sharing things with this posting box.

haha

and you guys, of course

thank you guys, for being here.

for being on this site

for taking the time to read through these rants, and my sometimes absurd opinions.

merci.

je vous aime.

the ANSWER TO CURIOSITY POST

I never update my blog anymore

i'm truly sorry, you guys

in order to make up for it, I will give you guys all the dl on my boy toy.

:/

although.. that really.. doesn't make up .. for anything.. lol...

I WILL MAKE A LEGIT POST SOON! sorry sorry sorry

now, to fulfill curiosities that some of you have had,

How did it all begin?

mm....he.. met me first, but we didn't talk.. and then we met again a week later, and .. were introduced to each other.

Where did you meet?

at a frat.. hahaha SHADY.

When did you meet?

the first half of spring semester

Was it love at first sight?

i thought he was pretty cute

how old were you both?

He was 18 still, and i was, and am 18

When did you have your first kiss?

This one night. I don't remember the exact date, forgive me.

Where was your first date?

We haven't been on a date.... YET.

How long until you met the parents?

well, we haven't done that yet. thank god.

When was it official?

March 29th, 2010 (it's my birthday flipped backwards! 3.29 --> 9.23)

The good...

Whats your happiest memory of him?

We haven't been together that long.. haha, but some of the things he says are really cute (:

Whats the sweetist thing he has ever done for you?

haha literally, the candy trip. sweetest is spelled with an E. get your superlatives right. D:

Does he buy you lots of gifts?

Everyday, being with him, is a gift.

Whats your favorite thing to do together?

talk. hahahahhahahahahahah. play games.

Is it true love?

mmm.. it's a wee bit early, isn't it

How do you know this?

because.. he makes me smile

The bad...

Whats his worst habit?

his INABILITY TO CONTROL THE UTTER MOVEMENT OF HIS LEGS.

What annoys you about him?

immature little boy. grow up. -_- <3

Has he ever hurt you badly?

oh yeah, he beats me all the time. :T

Would he ever cheat?

he failed the strawberry field test. sigh

Has he ever cheated?

with his bromance buddy, maybe

Do you trust him?

quite

The ugly....

Best facial feature?

he seriously has the prettiest and girliest eyes i have ever witnessed on a guy. i'm not sure if that's a good thing...

Favorite part of his body?

shoulders; makes me feel safe.

Hair colour?

i dunno, black?

What does he smell of?

cologne. it smells good.

Whats he wearing when you picture him in your head?

something that shows off terrible style.

Intimacy...

uh oh.

How do you feel when he holds you?

safe. secure. protected.

How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms?

happy

* most of these questions were too personal, so they were deleted.

HAHAHAHAHAH

Deep and meaningful...

Could you be without him?

of course, how else do i get things done.

Do you think about him constantly when your apart?

mmhmmmm.. ):

How long have you been together?

not that long..

haha

Can you see a future together?

i'm hopin` so. (:

Do you know there is definitely no-one better out there for you?

i know that, right now, he is exactly what i need.

How do you know this?

psh, i'm in tune with my own feelings.

Are you scared he might find someone better?

i know he can. but, for now, i'd rather just enjoy what we have instead of being paranoid of what could happen.

On a lighter note...

Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together?

uh....

Say something that only you two understand

hahahahahahahaha baby HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Do you have nick names for each other?

well.. i don't think i'm allowed to post it on such a public domain...

O WELL

i call him whipped boy.

Does he make you laugh?

always

Is he ticklish?

i'm sure he is.

Are you?

very ):

His Favorites...

Food?

Italian? :X

Drink?

uh... some sort of.. alcohol, he's an alky..JUST KIDDING.

Sport?

tennis?

Past time?

playing games... typical boy.

Animal?

husky?

Aftershave?

uh...

Clothing style?

what style?

Music?

anything i like HAHAHAHa <3

Lasts...

Time you saw him?

uh.. yesterday

Kissed him?

same as question above

Spoke to him?

speaking to him maintenant

The last text he sent you?

"lawl. i keep seeing _____ everywhere"

When will you...

See him again?

thursday, i believe.

Speak to him again?

well.. like in the next millisecond.

Have you ever...

Spent the night together?

i don't think it counts... but i guess.

Celebrated a holiday together?

EASTER!? BREAKING LENT!

Met his parents?

nope

Had naughty time?

WHOA. NO. NONONONOONONONO.

Made him cry?

i probably can, i just need his knife.

formspring.me

spam spam spam yum. http://formspring.me/whoisjincheng

post-existence.

Been to the gates of hell and back, Woke up in the ER, had unnatural feelings for someone I'm not allowed to think of in some contexts, what a weekend.

And such a weekend made me realize that my existence in this world is so unsubstantial. At least, that's how I felt when I woke up this morning. I think to myself, What am I doing here? Why am I here, in this world, taking up precious oxygen, taking up space that many people lack. What am I doing to myself, why don't I change. HOW do i change?

God has forgiven me so many times that I feel as if He's trying to keep me in this world for a reason. And, I've decided today, that I will keep working hard in this world to make myself substantial and worth all of God's efforts to keep me here.

I'm numb. Not the type of numb I felt lying on that hospital bed, but Numb as in I feel as if I'm emotionless. I suppress my own feelings because some of them are not allowed.. and if even one of my feelings is disallowed, I lock everything up. Once again, establish that concrete wall that no one can climb over. Well.. that's not true. One person climbed over it, once in my life. Unfortunately that person lept back over the wall to the other side, and ever since then, the wall has doubled, if not tripled in size and strength. Who can ever destroy that wall ever again? (well, other than God).. God is good, but sometimes we, as human beings need another human being to reach out to us, to give us guidance. God is glorious, and yet.. He is no physical entity.. He is everything else.. but sometimes all we need.. is a helping hand, on our shoulder, to transfer onto us power and will.

The world keeps spinning, and we all slave diligently to catch up to it, so how dare I slow my pace. Here I come. I'm gaining on you, world.

crying does nothing. :T

So, first off. I apologize for not posting for so long. I have had a lot happen, and it has taken me a while to organize everything in my mind, and still even at this ver moment, I'm in the process of making sense of things. But, this post will primarily focus on one occurrence, that has definitely put me in a rut. A rut that I had hoped for me to not have to confront for a long time. But, as life always has been, it's surprising, challenging, and steadfast. I can't escape, and the only thing I could do for a while is sit around and think.

At first, my thoughts couldn't really decipher what my heart wanted, and what my head advised.

For those of you who don't know me well, I usually try to do things logically, instead of jumping in a pool because a spurt of curiosity hits me or something. Well, not this time. No. This time, I know, that I have to listen to my heart, or else I will regret my decision for the rest of my life, and hell no, i am not spending the rest of my life thinking of what could have been.

I'm not sure if you guys have ever felt what I'm about to describe, but it's.. an absolutely intimidating yet exciting thrill: the feeling of having your dream so close to grasp, that you can't stop smiling. That happened to me a week ago. I received a phone call that could potentially change my life forever. From that moment on, I couldn't stop smiling, and my heart felt as if it was inhabited my some ecstasy-dropping troll that couldn't stop jumping up and down. I knew that this phone call, was my one opportunity to achieving my dream, the dream that I had wanted ever since I was 5.

I still remember what I told my father when I was 8: " Dad, I hope you know, I'm am serious about this. If I do not sing for the rest of my life, then my life has no meaning. I want this, and I'm determined to get this. So please. Lend me your helping hand, and give me your support. This is my life."

haha, and I also remember my father's stuttered, stumped, and yet supportive reply: " A-a-Alright, well. I believe in you, Let's make it happen then. "

That phone call gave me the path to my dream.

Until something stepped in the way, and basically uttered coldly in my face : " nuh uh, hold on there partner, it ain't that easy"

A test I can't miss (If i don't want to fail) on the exact same day as my opportunity. It devastated me. It made my heart sink, it made my hope shatter. What could I do? What was I supposed to do? I could feel my own tears surging to the surface. Bit my lip and told myself I'm stronger than that. Even so, I felt so weak, that I had barely any idea what I did for that day. I knew I would have to make the choice between education or the dream, some day. I just never thought I'd have to make it so soon.

The circumstance came down to be this: either take the test, wait for another opportunity ( which.. is very. unlikely); or take the opportunity and skip the test (which would end up with me failing the class).

Therefore.

As I said earlier. I'm going with what my heart wants.

I swear, I've never felt so scared in my whole life. And the main reason why I'm so intimidated is because of my own determination. I didn't know I had this kind of strength in me. I kept asking Him, and also myself, because Really. I didn't know I had it in me, haha. I knew that If it came down to it, I would drop everything and chase the dream. I knew that the opportunity I was hit with, is one of the rarest, once-in-a-lifetime chances that ever existed, and I am not about to let it go. So, I'm going to put up a damn good fight to get my dream.

Anyway, this whole thing, just made me realize that I want to return to my crying habits that I had when i was young. haha, I mean. Instead of shedding tears for things that can not be changed, I want to cry for things that are worthy (although,.. lol. the reason that i cried when i was 6 doesn't seem worthy now)

let's see.

so when i was 6, my grandfather let me delve into his collection of classic fairy tales ( in the original bindings)

and i was hit by the stomach flu

and i threw up ( which.. i think was the last time i ever threw up. i can't throw up! O: )

ON the book.

I cried SO HARD

because I was afraid I had damaged the book.

haha, seemed a worthwhile reason back then.

Anyway, this post is just to tell you guys. Tiffany Jin Cheng may put up a fake smile to hide her own insecurities and weaknesses, but she is no wimp. Give me your blessings and support please guys. I need the extra boosts for my strength and decision. I gotta go for my dream, and I know you guys agree. Help me out.

I appreciate it.

God, please give me your blessing and power also.

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new semester, new thoughts

I wonder how far I would and probably will go to achieve what I want.... Or is it what I want, rather than what others want? I'm not so sure anymore. The point is, no matter where I'm heading, I seem to be driving every person around me away. I am sure it's not some habit I've developed over the course of trying to survive at Berkeley, and if it is some habit, it sure is a terrible one ( and I have some really horrible habits). By the rate I'm going at, I'll become a complete and utter loner in no time.

Hopefully I can deter my own detrimental doings, and somehow attach myself once more to the human population. To make my self happier, to make myself more approachable, and to change my own view of myself. Those are the important goals at hand, right? So why am I giving up so much in order to get things done. At times, I feel so envious of the people around me, people that really enjoy college. They study when they need to, organize their ideal schedule, and go out when they are free, while I stay in my dorm cramming 90% of the time, the other 10% dedicated to two choirs. Added onto that is the worry of what I'm working on in China, and the worry of contacting a professor, so I can at least have some minimal chance of making into the medical school I hope to attend.

Maybe my papabear is right. haha, I might have to really worry about the fact that I'm going to have a hella lot of trouble finding someone to spend the rest of my life with me, if I'm going to go into medical school for 8 years, with residency for another 2 years, with research to extend my dad's previous work at Lawrence Lab, and of course, IF I ever do become a medical doctor, well, I sure as hell won't have a personal life.

Which reminds me,

A little message to you (and I'm sure you know who you are. And if you do not, all the more better):

I'm sorry for everything.

Sorry.

I wish I could just put down everything, and give all that I can to make you happy, and yet I really can't.

You deserve better. Trust me. You deserve so much better.

I think you've moved on already, and I'm okay with that. Go ahead and move on, and find somebody that can make you happy.

Thank you for everything.