Illness

It's times like these I feel excruciatingly alone because I am in immense pain. I can feel my body shivering but I can't make it stop.. I can feel myself getting sicker, but the medicine isn't helping much, and I don't want to end up relying on it anyway.
Sigh.
I hate being sick. I hate being sick long term. Why can't my body just be at the normal youthful state of health...
This feeling sucks.

I've been having the same dream for the past week

The same thing always happens. In them, I am always a mess. I cry, I beg, I plead. People keep saying that I will change, that things around me will change, and it will all blow over. It's July, and I still feel the same way I did in the middle of June. It still hurts, and I am still lingering. Why does it have to be this way?

Ppl keep pushing me to go out

And have fun, and loosen up.
It's not that I don't want to have fun or I can't have fun. I'm generally a fun person.
It's just, I want to have fun with a certain person, and I'm not allowed to.
Why is there still peer pressure to drink in my 4th year of college?

I still care

A lot..
When anything bad happens to him, I get so afraid..
But when I show that I care, he pushes me away.

Losing control

What do you do when you're so distraught you're doing things you would never think of doing?
What happens when you try to take them back...

choosing to be dumb

I know I am doing the stupid and foolish thing. I know I am letting my quixotic nature get the best of me.... but is it so wrong? Something inside tells me that I am making the right decision. I know I'll be happier with myself with this decision.
I know I may get hurt. There's a good chance I may never feel as happy ever again. I could be facing immense pain that I can't even imagine.
I'm so very scared... but what can I do? The heart chooses what it chooses.
All I can do is Pray.

once again

As happy as I am to be here, in America, and not stuck in China, I am not happy to be here. With each passing moment, the reality of what I've been trying to avoid  is slowly growing in magnitude, inching at my brain, telling it to truly drown in what will probably be one of the most painful feelings I have felt, once again.
For the past 5 days, I've swallowed every wallowing tear, because I know that if I start crying, I wont' be able to stop.
Life is so ironic, so consumed with dark humor. I started college in this position, and now in my last year of undergrad, I'm in the exact same position, except with even more pain than I had in my first year.
I know what people will tell me. "It will all be okay. With time, the pain goes away."
Yet, how do I believe that when I can still remember how much it hurt the first time? Each time is a different type of pain. The first time stung, and every time a memory came up, it felt like needle pricks at my heart. I told myself I could handle it, because I gave myself time to be ready for it, and still recovery took me more time than I expected.
This time, the pain is much worse. It's not just stinging. It's tearing. It feels like something in me is being torn apart, over and over again. Every single moment my mind floats to it, the pain comes back, worse than the prior, tearing deeper and deeper.
I am so scared and so alone. I understand that I have people that care about me, and for that I am grateful. I feel their care. At the same time, I know they can't fix me.
Only one person can.. and that person happens to be the one to have broken me.
I can't listen to the songs we used to listen to without crying.
I can't look at old pictures without crying.
I can't read old messages and notes without crying.
I can't imagine him without crying.
So I've been avoiding all of these things.. because I know I can't handle it. But now that I'm back, I have no where to run. I have so many people and their opinions to confront. I need help.
I know all of these people are waiting to see how I react.. Will I be the strong female that puts on a smile, or  will I break down?
I don't know what I will be, but right now, I just want to figure things out.
For now, all I have is the ability to pray and wish that everything was just a dark, morose, nightmare, and that any moment, I will wake up.