DONE

shiet.

today was the last day of high school!

haha.

it still hasn't hit me yet. that this is the starting step towards our new, bright futures. This is the closing of a beautiful chapter in our lives, and the beginning of an even better chapter. (:

OKAY, so this blog is most definitely dedicated to this wonderful friend of mine whom i love. 

Monica, the moment i read your note, oh boy, tears stream down. You have no idea how touched i was by your words. Girl, you can write. and damn, you really know how to get to me.

So here goes.

monica. i probably have not told you just how much i love you. i really love you.

i still remember the first time i met you. freshman year. pe. 6th period. honestly, i was so scared when i first met you, not that you're intimidating or anything. i was just afraid that i would say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, or accidentally offend you, or intimidate you, or alienate you. I really wanted you to be one of my friends, and i knew from the moment we talked to each other that we would be friends for a long time. I mean come on, haha. we hit it off. And, from then on it was just an amazing friendship. True, we did not have classes with each other, and we barely had time to socialize with each other. However, we maintained our friendship and we kept going. Monica. you are so amazing. Sometimes i wish i had your great personality, and that awe-inspiring creative writing skill you got there. I mean, dang, what a talent. You are going to be the author of one of those books on the New York Times Bestsellers. I mean I would not be surprised if you won the pulitzer, or the P.E.A.R.L. (if you're into romance), or NOBEL, or POWELL. goodness. haha. Honestly, you are such a great person, that i'm so glad i got to know you these 4 years. 4 great years. Monica. I don't know what i'd be if i had not met you. You taught me so much. Not just about.. life, and relationships, friendships, and.. struggles. you taught me about myself. You helped me mature. I would be a totally different person if i had never met you, different in a bad way, i mean. Somehow, i would always look to you whenever i was going through hard times, and just.. pull through. Hopefully that makes sense to you. You contributed to who i am today, and i am so grateful for that. Thank you. 

Now, Monica. I hope you know that i am always here for you. No matter what, even if we're.. more than 3000 miles away from each other. Even if i'm on the opposite of the world (even though i'm just a little far from so cal), I am there for you. Just like i know that you have been there for me. Thank you for giving me your friendship. And heck yes, we are going to stay friends for the longest time. There is no way in heaven, earth, hell, that i would ever forget you. So, let's both work towards our futures. and GLOAT (haha) to each other when we have achieved what we want. (:

I. Love. YOU!

Due Process

As in, the substantive due process rights granted within the 14th amendment of the United States Constitution. So, if this amendment exists, and it has been used before to guarantee rights of marriage, how in hell did prop 8 not get repealed? Instead, the California State Court has upheld its initial decision in disallowing same-sex marriages. Last time i checked, homosexuals are people, citizens to be exact. You see the existence of the letters "homo-" indicate the genus of HUMAN. In fact, it is the latin term for human. So, if these homosexuals are human, why do they not get the same rights as heterosexuals? injustice, indeed...

Of course, the other side of the argument would be that if same-sex marriages were allowed, it will take away certain rights of the church. Oh, and then there's the argument that if such marriage were allowed, soon enough, we would evolve to accept polygamy.. and who knows what else? Let's not get carried away. We're still talking about single partner here; therefore, there's no reason why we need to drag in the multiple partner argument. 

Living in typically liberal California, i wonder why prop 8 was passed. :/

All right, now onto a more casual topic. 

I think i am screwed for finals... haha. God, help me out here.

I'm not sure if you guys know what I'm talking about, but have you ever felt when you're so antsy, that there seem to be jumping beans perpetually splattering around in your stomach, liver, and spleen, waiting to move at the pace your body is supposed to, and yet, your body is forced to stay in one chair for an hour? I've been having that the whole day today. The end of high school is so close, and yet so far. I guess what i've been feeling is what one would feel when they are captured by peers, by parental force, and they are waiting for that one moment of release, where they become individuals...

Reading Brave New World, has me thinking some interesting things.

What if you were stuck in a world where everybody was programmed to be like robots, and you were the only one with individualistic thought. Would you speak up to say something, or would you eventually succumb to the pressure given by society? Seems scary, doesn't it? Being the only one with a different point of view in a world where everybody dressed the same, spoke the same, thought the same... LIVED the same. Of course, died the same. And you, you're the only one that does not want that plastic cookie cutter mold of a life. You want divine right. You want humanism. You want personality and unique characteristics. What can you do? If you rebel, those "robots" who are supposedly humans will destroy you. If you don't speak up, you will feel like being eaten from the inside out, because you will not feel like a human. You'd be a man-made piece of plastic with synthetic skin and a force-educated mind.. Speaking up. what courage.

okay.

now for this portion, i may get a little personal

so, cut me some slack, i'm pretty bothered about some things.

I am really bothered by the skill of "assumption". Not to be hypocritical, because i do it too. But, this... so called skill.. is cumbersome, and it adds just so much more negativity or misunderstanding to any situation... Sometimes, assuming turns out to be deductive reasoning. Sometimes, it's way off, and turns ugly. Why do we all assume... is it because we'd rather assume the worst, so whatever turns out to be the result is illuminated in positivity? Maybe. Twisted, but.. very idealistic. How about we just live life as it is.. by fact. and only by fact. Sure, our lives may be a little boring, but.. let's just try it for a week. Well, at least i'll try it.

haha

until later, mes amis importants, 

"Supposez le meilleur dans les gens, parce qu'alors, vous trouverez le meilleur dans vous aussi."

guess who's back?

well it's no one special, or slim shady. as you all can see, after 6 days of not posting... (drum roll optional)

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKK!

Hopefully i am still of interest to my readers ( if they are at all existent). So, here goes. 

First off, a note to a person i care very much about. 

Do not worry, she'll come back. I know it. I'll pray for her, i'll pray for you. There are many people out there looking for her, for you. Rest assured. (:

Today, while i was walking along in my neighborhood, i suddenly was surprised by the sight of multiple gigantic black cars lined up covering the span of 2 whole blocks. i was basically standing there, in awe, thinking " what the F#&% is this...?" Then, i realized, it was a GRAD Party for a kid who is going to Cal State Fullerton. Not to be materialistic, unappreciative, and shallow, but hey.. where's my party? Referring to my parental units, " HI, I'M GRADUATING. TRY TO SHOW THAT YOU WILL MISS ME."

anyways, i think i'm changed for life. And, please do not ask what i am indicating. 

Now that there are only 4 days of school left, it seems that it is time to think back on my high school time span ( i mean. mostly because 4 years is pretty parallel to 4 days. yes?). I often wonder if i have left a mark in WHS. What i am implying is that, will people remember me? Did i do anything for the benefit of WHS? Did i contribute my part in high school? Man, i really hope i did. In these last few days, i want to end my 4 crucial years with a bang. I mean, i do not want to give up at the end. I want to ace all of my finals, and leave feeling content with what i have achieved. I'm praying that will be possible. 

Next, onto the topic of college... ugh. I sometimes ask myself if i'm doing the right thing, by going to a college mainly because my father wants it to be so. I know i will regret not taking the 54K offer from the college i've wanted to go to for so long. Every time i think about it, i can feel my stomach sink a little, signifying a " tiffany cheng, you are such a stupid ass. live your own life. not your father's." Although i am transferring to the school i want to go to in 2 years, i still think sometimes that i am digging a big black hole for myself. What are the chances of me getting good enough grades to transfer while i am studying in... berkeley. Am i going to have to slave and not sleep anymore in order to get to the goal i want... when i already have it so close at hand? Am i messing up my own future? Damn, i hope not. I want to confirm that i am making the right decision for splitting my college to fulfill both my father and my dream. Two years for the college he wants, and 2 years for the college i want, and then. ONTO graduate school.

Wow, am i going to miss everybody. I remember in the beginning of the year, i told myself that i would probably not miss anybody and just get out of high school attachment free. WHAT A LIE. I swear, I am going to cry because i will miss people so much. Oh, which reminds me. Want to know what my favorite moment at grad is? You probably guessed it. The instantaneous second when all the seniors throw up their caps. I love that moment. Is very awe-inspiring and moving. A symbol of freedom, independence and regeneration. I'm excited to be one of the people throwing those caps, I wonder what it will feel like within the symbol, instead of a bystander watching the real life symbol form. 

I want to go hiking again. I still remember the first time I went hiking, in Catalina, i think. It was pretty intense. It was raining, and so the hills were slippery, the path was intangible, and everything was enveloped in a mystifying fog. Quite beautiful, but quite hard to hike. We took longer than usual, and the whole time, everybody kept complaining about the length of the activity, and the hard-to-breathe surroundings. That moment when we got to the top of the hills, nobody uttered another word. From the tip-top of Cherry Cove, the rain stopped, the fog cleared, and the ocean was clear as ever. Even from such a great height, we could see the garibaldi swimming in the water. Spots of golden orange in waves of clear and turquoise blue. The result was definitely worth the struggle, and i thought at that moment, "wow, isn't that just the same as what we go through in life?" We are bound to face obstacles that make us want to give up and surrender. We are meant to keep going, however. Pass the obstacles and pain to find joy and happiness and fulfillment. That, is one of the most important things to keep at heart in life. In english class, Mrs. Arias showed us a video that i will never forget named " The Last Lecture." It was  a lecture written by a college professor diagnosed with incurable cancer. This "Last Lecture" is meant for 1 professor each year to give a lecture as if it is his/her last. Well, in 2007, when Randy Pausch gave this speech, it was literally his last lecture, seeing that in six months, he would be gone. There's one quote in that lecture that i admire, and want to live by.

" Brick walls are just to separate the people who want their dreams, and those that do not. They are to keep you going, and keep others out." Very true. If you want a goal, you have to work for it. If it's something you want, it is worth all the toil and trouble in the world. So what's a couple of brick walls? We can jump over them or break through them. Life is about pushing through. 

When i was 4, that winter of Shen Yang, China was one of the coldest winters recorded. I caught a fever so high, that doctors warned my parents that there is a chance that i would lose my hearing. My ears were the first to burn up. At the temperature i was carrying, my ears were supposed to overheat and malfunction. I think this is one of the miracles i have faced in my life. Somehow, after days of wandering through consciousness and unconsciousness, i fought through the fever. To my family's surprise, instead of losing my hearing, i gained ultra sensitive hearing instead. Strange. A slew of gratitude to God. 

Anyways, I really don't want a shot. Any shot that i can escape, i will escape. I HATE. Shots. Every time i receive a shot, it reminds me of those days of going to the hospital every other day to get treatment. Or of that one time when the intern nurse screwed up, and i ended up having a broken vein spewing blood endlessly. ugh. grossssss. No matter how old i am, i will cry when i get a shot. 

Alas, this blog shall be ended before i dominate the whole website with this one entry.

Writing again soon,

au revoir, mes amis importants

"Quelqu'un peut accomplir un rêve s'ils essaient."

relationships.

Why do we have relationships, friendships? Why do we have emotions.. can't you help but wonder that?

Why do we? Why must we have negative emotions, instead of just retaining the beauty of positive emotion...sadness, anger and frustration drive us to realize the beauty of joy, love and wonder. There is no good without evil, no light without darkness, no heaven without hell. Balance is the one thing that keeps this world turning. 

From a long time ago, I taught myself to not cry in front of my mom. God, that woman never shuts up whenever she finds something to be mad about. I mean basically, if i accidentally break a plate at 9:00 A.M. in the morning, she will keep blabbering about it till 9:00 A.M. the next day. Throughout this period of complaint, she will bring up some of the worst things, some of the most harmful words, that will make you want to claw yourself inside out. 

1. " why won't you die. go die. kill yourself. just die"

2. " how the hell did i raise a kid like you? did i sin in the last life?"

3. " all you know how to do is put makeup on you, or other people. it's not like you'll get any prettier. you're still ugly and fat."

4. " what are you even worth? you're not even smart enough to get into UCLA. is your brain made out of air?"

5. " I can't wait when you get the hell out of here. you annoy me so much that i never want to come home"

6. " why are you even alive? you're useless."

7. " you call that singing? it'll be a fucking miracle if you ever make a career out of that. you can't sing"

8. " your boyfriend is the best you can get? he's just as useless as you are. don't see him anymore. "

Trust me, mom. I have wanted to get out of your house for a while now. Don't worry. I'll be gone soon. 

Basically, my mom is not able to come to my graduation. As sad as that makes me ( and i'm not being sarcastic. i want my mom there for my graduation, especially since she has never been to any one of my events), it makes me more sad to hear her say: " you planned for this, didn't you. you did this on purpose. your intention was for me not to go to your graduation!" 

Right. because. i would want for my mom, the woman who gave me life, to not attend one of the most important days of my life. RIGHT. (now, i'm being sarcastic).

As if i'm not bummed enough by the fact that my own mother is not attending my graduation, she's mad at me that she's not going to my graduation. when i asked her what she wants me to do after apologizing consistently, she answered " just sit there and shut the fuck up. what? you think you don't deserve to be yelled at? sit there and think about what you've done."

I'm worried about him. Whether if he's getting enough rest, if he has enough time, if he's stressing himself out, if he's eating regularly, if he still has time to have fun, if he's happy, if he's healthy, if he's okay.

Life is so ironically interesting. I mean some things are so coincidental, that you can't help but to pause and ponder. May 18th.

1. My dad's birthday

2. Emiri's mom R.I.P.

3. My little baby cousin's birth date. 5.18.09

A death, an anniversary, a birth. haha. coincidental and ironic, yeah?

I can't wait to meet my baby cousin. Of course, it's expected of my grandfather to come up with some super meaningful name for him. 程达. The second word, being the American version of the "first name"

This name is a blessing for my cousin to always be able to reach his goal. The second word means to reach a destination. 

and of course, mine is carpe diem.

I think i may be tired as fuck. 

tired of trying, tired of waiting, tired of pleasing.

take care of yourselves. 

i'm going to rest a little, and be an introvert for a period of time.

then the extrovert will return when she's ready.

find a close friend for me.

sorry. 

la fin.

PARTY!

Ah, i remembered as to what my light topic was going to be.

haha

Lately, I've been feeling so like.. chillaxed, and stoked. I want to PARTY. and go crazy! haha. I want to go rave, go to a club, go to a kickback, go to a bonfire at the beach, go to disneyland, go to grad night, go to "secret trip...".

Btw.

The secret trip

is SAN DIEGO FOR A WEEK. san diego A.K.A. UCLA

if you know what i mean

haha.

i really want to just have fun. I feel like out of these 4 years, this is the only time i get to have fun, so might as well go all out.

I'm ready for summer

to go play BADMINTON!

to go.. BOXING w/ rosa (:

to go play football with rosa and rena. ( and yes, i really will tackle. i'm a ruthless football player. HAHA)

to go to DISNEYLAND!

to go RAVING. EDC! (: I even have the black tutu prepared, and we shall make candy bracelets!

yeah. okay.

this is pretty much a worthless blog.

just wanted to say that...............

it's weird that these four years are over.

I mean, it didn't seem like four years ago. I mean, it's strange that just 4 years ago, i was a little freshman dreading the 4 years to come. And now, it's.. all coming to an end.

9 days left, and we're all gone. I think it would be weird to not be able to go to the village anymore. Or.. not being able to walk (well.. run) to school every morning. Not being able to go to choir everyday, and meet people who love singing. Not being able to play badminton at the teen center. Not being able to just.. do the high school stuff. haha.

I think i'll miss it.

Two weeks ago, i would've said there's nothing to miss.

But. let's face it. I'm going to cry when i go. or will i? I always surprise myself.

Sometimes, i end up so happy, that all i do is run around finding people to hug.

Sometimes, i end up so sentimental, that i bawl like crazy, and i get tear-infested makeup on a crap load of people.

We'll see..

This was a memorable experience..

all the joy, pain, memories, DRAMA. love. happiness. friendships. relationships. all-nighters. 20 min. nighters. struggles. sentimentalities. 

damn, we're being replaced by the 2013 kids 

haha.

'09 we so fine.

(please do refrain from saying '09 suck mine.)

命

Since i was a little kid, i would remember my grandfather imprinting in my head the ideals of optimism. He never wanted me to look at the negativity of life, for... if i only focused on negativity, then i myself would succumb to the pessimistic dangers of the world. Yet, sometimes i can't help but return to the depression that i've had in my hard times. It's strange. Sometimes, the world just seems to be not as bright and beautiful as it had been in my childhood. What happened to the world that is technically my playground? Obviously, it is still there.. hidden in my grave thoughts. I just got to remind myself to keep an open mind, and move on.

Honestly, I am so scared of life. Most people are afraid of death, but... isn't life much more fear instilling?

Think about it.. our one move can change the future... our one thought of the past can keep us locked. I have no clue what i'm doing in my life. I don't even know if i am doing things i want to do. But then, i'm only 17.. haha how the heck would i know what i'm meant for? I'm not psychic.

I grasp every opportunity thrown at me, because I'm so afraid of accidentally missing that moment.

You know, the.. life-determining moment that people have. when they come upon something, and suddenly they realize " shiet, this is what i want to do for the rest of my life. this is me. "

I think i live a very fulfilling life. I mean, i do anything that catches any part of my interest. Even if it is just a little portion of my interest... 

Yet, there are days that I sit down on my bed, and I contemplate about my day, and tears just roll down my face. I have no clue why. Maybe i just need an outlet, or maybe, i'm....... unhappy. 

I hope i'm not unhappy. 

Anyways, a lighter topic now (:

I finished watching boys before flowers!

haha

what a cheesy ending! and i'm not going to spill the ending, just in case somebody is watching the series.

I gotta say though, it's the best version of hana yori dango. 

oy vey, i think i ran out of creative juice

usually when i blog, i just start rambling like a mad woman .

but today, i guess i'm really tired.

which makes sense.

so i'm going to end it here. 

(:

thetendertouch

Alas, the second song that I am singing with Orchestra is named "The Tender Touch." It is a song that was never released for popular use. Instead, it is a part of the private Nelson Riddle library, and it was especially written for a girl named Sandy, yet.. none of us know who this Sandy girl is, but damn is she lucky to have this song written for her. God knows how Dr. Clements found it, but I am so grateful that he did. This song contains some of the most beautiful lyrics I have ever heard in my life. The detail, the diction (effects of english 4 Ap. cut me some slack). absolutely amazing. Paints pictures in your mind that are hard for you to forget. So here goes.

"The Tender Touch"

What makes the rosebud tingle to the kiss of the bee,

what makes a lover mingle all his thoughts with ecstasy,

what makes a kiss like yours reveal the world to me,

the tender touch. 

What starts the night birds sighing to the glow of a star,

what makes him think that heaven's really not very far,

why does my heart start flying to the place where you are?

The tender touch. 

I know now why the gentle things are the simple sentimental things,

and why every touch of you thrills me sweetly, through and through. 

What makes a moonbeam glisten in that someone's misty eye?

What makes that someone listen to her every gentle sigh?

What makes our hearts whisper of a love that never dies?

The tender touch.

Hopefully, you all enjoy these enticing lyrics as i do.

(:

"seulement l'amour"

twist

As some of you know, I have recently received the honor of performing along with the walnut orchestra and jazz band. I'm singing a song each with the groups. I gotta say, I absolutely love the songs that I am singing. Not because the melodies makes me love music more ( although it does not fail to do so), not because the rhythm makes my heart beat stronger ( it does not fail to do this also), but because.. the words, the lyrics of the songs are beautiful. They are so poetic, that.. i have to share haha.

So the song that i'm singing with the jazz band, is called "All the things you are"

To some people's surprise, this is actually the first song i have ever sung as a solo. I mean, after 5 years of knowing this song, I have never truly looked into the lyrics. Well, until one of my good friends took notice of the sentimentality hidden within the lyrics.

SO, onwards with sharing (:

"All the things you are"

You are the promised kiss of spring time, 

that makes the lonely winter seem long. 

You are the breathless hush of evening,

that trembles on the brink of a lovely song.

You are the angel glow, 

that lights a star.

The dearest things I know, 

are what you are.

Someday, my happy arms will hold you,

and some day, I'll know that moment divine.

When all the things you are,

are mine.

Hopefully, you all think the lyrics are beautiful too. 

Anyways, about the title. twist. twist, twist.. what a twist of fate. haha. laughable, bittersweet, but such a twist. As you all know, I did not get what I want for the college I wanted, but.. somehow i ended up being accepted into their co-host (w/john hopkins & yale) summer medical program. a group of students out of many.. chosen to get a closer look at medical science.

such a bittersweet twist of fate, and yet, i'm grateful as ever. although, i'm pretty much grateful for a lot of things.

as much as i hate berkeley, the day that i found out that i was accepted, i ran around the house smiling. lame. i know. haha. 

anyways, another thing that i wanted to talk about in this blog.

i disagree. and. hopefully this won't spark another fight. but i fervently disagree.

humans can not survive without love, nor can we survive without emotion. I agree with the fact that these weaknesses/strengths that we are born with make us distinguished as the human race, but i really do not think that humans can honestly survive without love. Like plants need water and sunlight, humans need love. Love keeps us going, love reminds us of why we are alive, love tells us where to go, love guides our instinct, love wants us to strive, love gives us pain, love gives us joy, love is who we are. 

Oh, and another thing. I am extremely intimidated by those that live life as if they are trying to redeem their sins -- every single moment of their day. I honestly do not regard that as... well, living, it's more like, begging. Begging for a chance to live.

I do not know how someone can live with that kind of stress, pressure, and foreboding doom.

It's as if if we don't try to  clean our name everyday, we will end up being dragged by the demons of hell to the underground, where they will stab a 2-in wide needle in us for every sin we apparently committed. It's like living with the old way of justice " guilty, until proven innocent".. Uh no thanks, I'll go with the more modern interpretation. Innocent, until proven guilty. Why, we are all born as individuals, each individual with a clean slate. Therefore, why must we assume that we are born.. dirty, and we have to beg to shed a speck of dirt each second. That isn't living. That's... well, in my opinion.. self-inflicted hell.

Oh and another thing. I don't know if this is a very.. valid topic, but a while ago, someone asked me, if i were to categorize myself as more of an angel, or more of a demon, what would i choose  ( in this case, the choice of human does not exist, it's either angel or demon). I honestly think I a more of a demon than an angel. Why? Well.. I'm definitely not a pure-minded person (not.. in the sexual sense, although that pretty much dedicates my mind as filthy). I mean, I have some of the most sadist thoughts that you can ever think of. sometimes, when I am mad.. I can think up of some pretty violent images... I mean.

i remember.. during those hard times, when i was having trouble with my mom. I would think of what a stress reliever it would be if i could just pick up my hand and.. aweoijflasdjfkl her.

which is absolutely horrible.

i'll never forgive myself for that either. Just thinking about it makes me think that I am terrible. Yeah, I honestly do not think I am that great of a person. Sometimes i wish i could find an excuse as to why i am who i am. It's weird. Sometimes, it is as if i am trained to manipulate. I automatically search for what makes a person weak, and my mind just acts in reflex, to sample ways to use those weaknesses. Although i never follow what my mind poses for me, It disgusts me to know that I have such a manipulative way of thinking. I guess that was developed from childhood. Oh, and the anger that i have. horrible anger. I have such a short temper, and once the fuse is lighted, i blow up. For a while, karate was my outlet. Then, it was piano. Now it's running. But lately, because of my weakness, I haven't really any outlet, which is terrible, because i end up taking it out on the people i care about... sorry. Sometimes, I wonder if God is ashamed of me, and maybe that's why bad things may happen. But, obviously, i know that bad things happen because it's just life, it has nothing to do with God. Yet, I swear, i bet i have a black aura.  No matter how many kind things i do, I still take on that black aura.. because i lose sight of optimism at times. Although, I'm not too discontent with it. I learn as i go. 

i don't know if what i said makes any sense..

but.. yeah

answer this for me.

What do you think you guys are

Angel.. or Demon?

If you only had to choose between these two, that is.

I know, totally black or white, no gray <-- which is a strategy i do not believe in. But, just for this one time, let's go with black or white.

"Les humains sont des mélanges d'ange et de démon"

memories

i swear, i am so out of it lately. I mean, it's like i'm an epileptic sloth. i was basically sitting there, thinking while watching a video, and suddenly, out of no where... BAM! asleep. Then, i woke up in 2 min. thinking, " uh.............................did i just accidentally press forward on this video... or.. did i just decide to blank out for 2 minutes..."

I don't get it. I sleep enough... why the heck am i showing some really bad symptoms. I get so cold easily, even if i stand in the sun and do jumping jacks (which by the way, i have to say, makes me look like a total retard). 

Anyways, to respond in typed word to what a certain someone said to me yesterday: UHHM. it's true. i'm quite sensitive about my blog. i would appreciate it if you would not render my blog as uninteresting/boring/random/meaningless.. or something of that sort. If you don't want to read it, don't read it. This blog is here to express what i think at the moment that i start typing. I am perfectly fine if you disagree with what i say, but i might go ballistic if you categorize my opinions, feelings, emotions, thoughts, (basically anything that i usually hide deep within myself) as boring. that's just really offensive. This blog is an extension of me. If you think this blog is boring, congrats, you just called me boring. yes, you is referring to you, EK.

i'm not kidding. if you make fun of my blog, i just might cry. That would be the same as you telling me " tiffany cheng. you are not worthy of my momentary attention because you are boring. you're welcome" (the 'you're welcome' is completely optional). Otherwise, EK, read it if you want, this blog refers to you way too often anyway. And no, i'm not mad. haha. more depressed that you would jokingly think that my blog is dull. (: j'ai fini que cette histoire.

Oh, btw. if you are reading this. Sorry that it's a shallow portrayal of my day. Well, not necessarily, i think these moments of my day are important. But to you, they may be quite superficial. Nothing i can do. I can't see myself writing an intense blog about my utter appreciation and love for God. good luck with that though.

SO. how did i start out my day?

i have a really pathetic story that conveys me as a total immature little kid. Yet, i shall go on. So, i really like purple yam bread. i know, lame. It's basically the same as yam. with.. bread..

but the yam's purple. So i was all excited, holding my yam bread, getting ready to walk to school.

Walked out of my house, strolling around happily. About to take a bite. noticed my bag was falling off. Fixing the bag......plop. byebye to the yam bread that slowly fell onto the cement. oh god, it reminded me of when i was a little girl, and my family was dirt poor. I had cookies in my hand. cookies that rarely ever got to be eaten by me. Cookies that we rarely could afford. I decided to run with the cookies, and the cookies fell out of the BAG ONTO THE GROUND! SHIET, i cried so hard for those cookies. Obviously i didn't cry for the bread. i just felt a diluted version of how i felt back then. pathetic of me. haha.

OH, and then i decided this afternoon, to accidentally JAM A STAPLE INTO MY FOOT.

pulling that out was NOT FUN.

anyways, here are some things that i thought about today.

For those of you who are boys before flowers fanatics comme moi, I FOUND THE NECKLACE THAT gu jun pyo gives to Jan di! for not 20, not 100, not 250, but for $5!

The scene where he puts the necklace on her, reminds me of a couple i know in real life. So this guy whom i shall refer to with the pseudonym George, liked my friend(pseudonym once more) Amy for quite a while. They finally decided to confront each other's feelings, and for valentine's day, he bought her a heart lock pendant chain necklace  from Tiffany & Co. Oh, it was really sweet watching him adorning it on her neck. It is even sweeter to catch a glimpse of that necklace everyday around Amy's neck. She never takes it off. haha. so cute. not that i'm hinting that i want a necklace or something, because well, i have enough necklaces as it is. i'm quite content with just staring at that mirror everyday. (not in the narcissist way, i mean i like staring at the actual details of the mirror, not.. staring at me in the mirror)

OKAY. something else. Prom pic. samples. I don't know.. i really like this particular picture. I'm not going to get reprints of these though, just because.. well you can't see his face, and you can't see my face. WEll no, you can kind of see his face. but my is goodbyetotheworld. Oh, and there's the fact that i look like i have an extra butt that fell of on to the ground, and then got propped up by a pedestal that is bulging from my dress. Why the hell did they make me prop my foot if it isn't seen...

now, as to the reason why i like this picture. Warning: will be cheesy.

There's something about the way he looks at me in this picture. haha. There's just something about it that makes me smile. It's.. "THAT LOOK" you know. "that look" that someone has when they love someone. I don't know if he did it intentionally. but whatever. i'm glad that was captured on film.

Anyways,

lately i have a fondness of extracting memories, and looking over them.

1. Once when i was small, i vomited on the floor, and oh my goodness, i was crying like CRAZY. Not because i could taste really gross bolus, but because i had gotten vomit on one of my books that my grandfather bought for me. I had to throw that book away ):

2. There was another time where my grandmother bought a whole chicken for my whole family to eat, because there were visitors. Being the little monster that i was, i actually ate the whole thing. that's right. the WHOLE FREAKING THING. How i got that whole thing to fit in my 6 year old tiny stomach, I have no clue.

3. Oh, another memory about eating. My dad came to visit and he brought orange juice from America to China. I ended up drinking it all, since I had not tasted it before. Oh boy was i guilty that i took that tasting opportunity away from my grandparents. I wanted to vomit it up because  i was so guilty. But i realized that wouldn't give any benefit...

4. haha. this one is really stupid. One day, i wanted to help my grandfather clean the floor, so i grabbed the nearest "rag" and started working. And suddenly, i started to hear footsteps and yelling behind me. I realized it was my grandfather screaming " YUAN YUAN (nickname), STOP STOP StOP! that's my FACE TOWEL!" oops. 

5. The first day i arrived in America, my parents took me to walmart ( i still have no clue why they did that.. haha) and i saw MICKEY-DEE's.  (McDonalds). I was so ecstatic. haha. I loved mcdonalds, but then in china, that was more of a privilege for higher class children, whose families had money. but in america. they were EVERYWHERE

and they were CHEAP. i still have an insatiable love for mcdonalds ,even though it's about the unhealthiest thing ever to hit this planet.

6. The first time i went to disneyland, i basically spent most of the day searching for little mermaid to get an autograph. SHE KEPT GOING ON BREAK! I COULDN't FIND HER ANYWHERE. ): i have still yet to see her at disneyland... ): EK, you want to accompany me to find her? please? 

7. A sad memory. The first time i had to stay at home alone for the night, i was so scared. My mother had gone to work (night shift as nurse), and i wasn't allowed to call her and bother her, since she was busy. I held the receiver to my ears until the usual dial tone turned into beeps that signal for the receiver to be returned to its rightful spot. 

8. When i was small, i hated taking baths. One day, as my grandmother placed me in the bathtub, i accidentally tripped her, and she fell. hard. i'll never forgive myself for that day.

9. A grateful memory. My grandfather has never had much money because well first, my family wasn't prosperous to begin with, and my grandmother never gave my grandfather any money (other than spare change). He knew that i had always wanted this scientific experiment set ( that had to deal with electricity currents), and it cost quite a good amount. He knew i had been eying if for the longest time. So for 3 years, he collected his change. Never bought anything for himself. Kept collecting. And ended up buying the biggest set for me, before i left for America. I still don't allow for anyone to touch that set. It's kept at a secret spot. God, i cried so much in appreciation. 

mmm. memories. so many memories that i savor. Somedays, i just take random walks, or i go on a hike, and all i do is think of all those things that make me who i am. even if they are hard times, or if they make me angry and contemptuous. Every little piece of my memory has contributed so much. I hope i never forget these things..although i've noticed lately that i can't remember things as well anymore. :/. I hope that when i'm old, about to go to the other realm, i can reminisce those times that i have been through, and smile. 

robots.

haha whoa, i have not posted in quite a while. that is a fault, and for that i apologize.

a whole week has passed since my last post. a lot has happened

i'm FINISHED with my AP TESTINGS this year.

okay, finished not meaning i passed everything (although i sure hope i did), but finished as in, shiet, i sat through 3 days of super brain work, and it feels amazing to not have to worry about those things anymore. It's that same feeling of when you have a super super hard puzzle on parking lot (of my old iphone, as tiffany ha remembers), and then you solve it.

Obviously, there are more challenges to come, yet, it feels great to pass this one landmark.

get what i'm sayin`?

haha

anyways, after ap's was prom. prom was fun. except for the fact that there weresome really embarrassing moments.. as in..

karaoke. elias and i decided to sing ignition by r.kelly.

but they didn't have the remix ( WTF. THE REMIX IS MORE POPULAR THAN THE REGULAR VERSION. HOW CAN THEY NOT HAVE IT? THEY HAVE the RICK ROLL'd SONg, BUT NOT IGNITION?) basically, we ended up rapping.

like a bunch of asian geeks with no sense of rhythm or pitch. woohoo!

OH, then there's the REALLY REALLY embarrassing part

after they announced my name for prom court.

i decided to be individualistic, and walk OFF the stage to the dance floor...

Mr. Silva: " Tiffany, we're up here please."

I have never seen so many people point to the back of me... ever.

oh. and did  mention i was the only one who forgot my sash on the limo?

damn, i am one heck of a smart ass chicky.

ANYWAYS. about my title.

We started the book Brave New World in English. Gotta say, dig the controversies mentioned, and dig the stretching of ethical values.

In a sense, it kind of reminds me of Frankenstein, since they both touch on the topic of artificial creation of the human kind. It's crazy how two authors from two different eras can focus on the same topic. I think that means the topic spoken of, must be some pretty darn important and fearsome reality.

I gotta say, Frankenstein got me really revved up about the whole idea of human cloning. I believe Mary Shelley tried to convey in her book, that we, as humans, do not have the right to create artificial life. Why, think about it. If clones were to exist... what would individuals be? Would individuals be eliminated? I would guess so. Then.. would we not just be nothing but robots, copying each other? Each strand of DNA is composed of a different sequence, so varying that each human being is unique. Why would we want to eliminate that? I obviously do not understand any of the pros of cloning... other than, i guess... using them for more efficiency and using them for.. their organs? their.. blood. using them for.. our own benefit.

which.. even sparks my debate further. How can we, as supposedly, beings with true emotion, create bodies with the same brain, same heart, same ...soul.. and use them for our own selfish desires... We're not monsters. Shiet, we're HUMAN, and what makes us human is our every little single flaw, every talent, every thing that makes us who we are. i mean.. honestly, even TWINS are different, in every possible way. Can we use knowledge to do God's work? I, for one, am not cool with the idea of cloning. How about you guys? give me some opinions? 

Ah, and then there are the sexbots of japan. created to " help those that are not as sexually attractive as some others." Basically they're 1-partner prostitutes with a 1-time pay. Made to simulate human orgasms, along with the human touch, and human form... strange. Where's the love there? If there is one thing that humans can not live without... well, i would say it's a toss-up between LOVE and air. I mean, these robots create.. MALLEABLE LUST. If these were to be released, why would men need women? ( or you know. men need.. men. women need women.. i want to incorporate the gay community) yeah. give me your thoughts on that too..

coolio, 

that's it for now.

"L'amour ressemble à l'air, il nous maintient en vie."

loneliness

a new friend asked me yesterday,

" how could a girl like you ever feel lonely?"

true that, how could I? I've got some of the greatest people around me as friends, and I've got some of the most wonderful amazing people that care about me. Loneliness should not even be existent in my vocabulary, and yet, do not we all feel a bit lonely at times? Sometimes, we isolate ourselves, and sometimes, we have no choice but to be isolated.

I hate thinking about the past, but if there is one thing I learned from Beloved, it is that we can never escape from the past. Instead, we should grasp all that we can from it, and move on as a knowledgeable person. Alors, l'histoire de moi.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm still haunted by the fear of loneliness that I've had in my childhood. It was strange, most def. I didn't have many friends. Honestly, in kindergarten, and in my neighborhood, I only had two friends. Then one day, one of them told the other that I was a freak, and therefore it was immoral of them to play with me. I ended up being my own friend. It wasn't horrible, i mean, i was fine with keeping myself company. It just gets kinda boring sometimes, but i usually always came up with some sort of entertainment. Those days were alright. Extremely tolerable. 

Then came the jeers and comments that I was an orphan because my parents had gone to America to seek out a better future for me. To the other kids, however, the rumor was that I was such a disappointment and failure, that my parents had nothing to do but to leave me. 

"哈哈！ ！你没有家长！ 你的爸爸妈妈不要你！"

(use a chinese translation if you can not read what that says)

hm. yeah. that kind of stung. At 6 or 7 years old, I learned to strive to be the best, because if what those kids said were true, there would be a chance that my grandparents would leave me too. I can't disappoint them also. I worked damn hard. Stayed at school until 9 P.M. each night tutoring other kids, handling the night sessions, and helping out the teacher. Yeah, I won first place for every educational competition, and yes, I never did study for any of those things, but it did not seem to fill any voids. Although, my grandparents were extremely proud of me, and so, I kept going. I drove myself. Number 1 at chinese calligraphy, number 1 at english language.

number 1 at math... number...1. at. whatever.

And yet, so what? Number 1's did not bring my parents back. I thought they didn't want me.

I still remember that time that i mistook someone else's mother as my own. It might not seem so impacting, but that day made me long for someone to care, like no other day. I really wanted that woman to be my mom. I even told God " please. I would be willing to share with this little boy. Please, just let her be my mom. Let me see her."

But, obviously that woman wasn't my mom, and i cried a whole shitload.

When i finally moved to America with my parents, i thought maybe my fear of loneliness was gone. No cigar. It got worse. Any day that my parents forgot to pick me up, I would stand in a corner, trembling in fear, that they had forgotten me. Any day that my mother went to work, I would sit at the front door, crying till the moment she comes back. I felt like I had to grow up when it was supposed to be my childhood. Honestly, I didn't have much fun in my child hood. My definition of fun was beating all the other kids in some competition. That's just pathetic and horrible. But, thank God for that childhood. It shaped who I am today. Sure, I may still sometimes be a little paranoid of being left alone, but.. i think that's pretty normal, considering that, I have definitely grasped the idea of independence quite well. I like depending on myself, it makes me feel like I'm worth something. Well, I have nothing to prove to others anymore. It's just to.. please myself. I like that ( uh. in the nonsexual sense, please)

Therefore, i seek no sympathy. I seek strength and somebody to protect and love.

Already found the second one,

still steadily working on the first one.

Well of course, strength isn't gathered in a day. It's gradually collected.

ah and so, if you want more details.

ask me.

I'm cool with describing my childhood. 

d'accord

p.s. I have lost any sort of studious genius that I had in my childhood. I think I may have bumped my head a few too many times...

"Il qui n'écoute pas d'histoire, n'a pas d'avenir."