loneliness

a new friend asked me yesterday,

" how could a girl like you ever feel lonely?"

true that, how could I? I've got some of the greatest people around me as friends, and I've got some of the most wonderful amazing people that care about me. Loneliness should not even be existent in my vocabulary, and yet, do not we all feel a bit lonely at times? Sometimes, we isolate ourselves, and sometimes, we have no choice but to be isolated.

I hate thinking about the past, but if there is one thing I learned from Beloved, it is that we can never escape from the past. Instead, we should grasp all that we can from it, and move on as a knowledgeable person. Alors, l'histoire de moi.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm still haunted by the fear of loneliness that I've had in my childhood. It was strange, most def. I didn't have many friends. Honestly, in kindergarten, and in my neighborhood, I only had two friends. Then one day, one of them told the other that I was a freak, and therefore it was immoral of them to play with me. I ended up being my own friend. It wasn't horrible, i mean, i was fine with keeping myself company. It just gets kinda boring sometimes, but i usually always came up with some sort of entertainment. Those days were alright. Extremely tolerable. 

Then came the jeers and comments that I was an orphan because my parents had gone to America to seek out a better future for me. To the other kids, however, the rumor was that I was such a disappointment and failure, that my parents had nothing to do but to leave me. 

"哈哈！ ！你没有家长！ 你的爸爸妈妈不要你！"

(use a chinese translation if you can not read what that says)

hm. yeah. that kind of stung. At 6 or 7 years old, I learned to strive to be the best, because if what those kids said were true, there would be a chance that my grandparents would leave me too. I can't disappoint them also. I worked damn hard. Stayed at school until 9 P.M. each night tutoring other kids, handling the night sessions, and helping out the teacher. Yeah, I won first place for every educational competition, and yes, I never did study for any of those things, but it did not seem to fill any voids. Although, my grandparents were extremely proud of me, and so, I kept going. I drove myself. Number 1 at chinese calligraphy, number 1 at english language.

number 1 at math... number...1. at. whatever.

And yet, so what? Number 1's did not bring my parents back. I thought they didn't want me.

I still remember that time that i mistook someone else's mother as my own. It might not seem so impacting, but that day made me long for someone to care, like no other day. I really wanted that woman to be my mom. I even told God " please. I would be willing to share with this little boy. Please, just let her be my mom. Let me see her."

But, obviously that woman wasn't my mom, and i cried a whole shitload.

When i finally moved to America with my parents, i thought maybe my fear of loneliness was gone. No cigar. It got worse. Any day that my parents forgot to pick me up, I would stand in a corner, trembling in fear, that they had forgotten me. Any day that my mother went to work, I would sit at the front door, crying till the moment she comes back. I felt like I had to grow up when it was supposed to be my childhood. Honestly, I didn't have much fun in my child hood. My definition of fun was beating all the other kids in some competition. That's just pathetic and horrible. But, thank God for that childhood. It shaped who I am today. Sure, I may still sometimes be a little paranoid of being left alone, but.. i think that's pretty normal, considering that, I have definitely grasped the idea of independence quite well. I like depending on myself, it makes me feel like I'm worth something. Well, I have nothing to prove to others anymore. It's just to.. please myself. I like that ( uh. in the nonsexual sense, please)

Therefore, i seek no sympathy. I seek strength and somebody to protect and love.

Already found the second one,

still steadily working on the first one.

Well of course, strength isn't gathered in a day. It's gradually collected.

ah and so, if you want more details.

ask me.

I'm cool with describing my childhood. 

d'accord

p.s. I have lost any sort of studious genius that I had in my childhood. I think I may have bumped my head a few too many times...

"Il qui n'écoute pas d'histoire, n'a pas d'avenir."