relationships.

Why do we have relationships, friendships? Why do we have emotions.. can't you help but wonder that?

Why do we? Why must we have negative emotions, instead of just retaining the beauty of positive emotion...sadness, anger and frustration drive us to realize the beauty of joy, love and wonder. There is no good without evil, no light without darkness, no heaven without hell. Balance is the one thing that keeps this world turning. 

From a long time ago, I taught myself to not cry in front of my mom. God, that woman never shuts up whenever she finds something to be mad about. I mean basically, if i accidentally break a plate at 9:00 A.M. in the morning, she will keep blabbering about it till 9:00 A.M. the next day. Throughout this period of complaint, she will bring up some of the worst things, some of the most harmful words, that will make you want to claw yourself inside out. 

1. " why won't you die. go die. kill yourself. just die"

2. " how the hell did i raise a kid like you? did i sin in the last life?"

3. " all you know how to do is put makeup on you, or other people. it's not like you'll get any prettier. you're still ugly and fat."

4. " what are you even worth? you're not even smart enough to get into UCLA. is your brain made out of air?"

5. " I can't wait when you get the hell out of here. you annoy me so much that i never want to come home"

6. " why are you even alive? you're useless."

7. " you call that singing? it'll be a fucking miracle if you ever make a career out of that. you can't sing"

8. " your boyfriend is the best you can get? he's just as useless as you are. don't see him anymore. "

Trust me, mom. I have wanted to get out of your house for a while now. Don't worry. I'll be gone soon. 

Basically, my mom is not able to come to my graduation. As sad as that makes me ( and i'm not being sarcastic. i want my mom there for my graduation, especially since she has never been to any one of my events), it makes me more sad to hear her say: " you planned for this, didn't you. you did this on purpose. your intention was for me not to go to your graduation!" 

Right. because. i would want for my mom, the woman who gave me life, to not attend one of the most important days of my life. RIGHT. (now, i'm being sarcastic).

As if i'm not bummed enough by the fact that my own mother is not attending my graduation, she's mad at me that she's not going to my graduation. when i asked her what she wants me to do after apologizing consistently, she answered " just sit there and shut the fuck up. what? you think you don't deserve to be yelled at? sit there and think about what you've done."

I'm worried about him. Whether if he's getting enough rest, if he has enough time, if he's stressing himself out, if he's eating regularly, if he still has time to have fun, if he's happy, if he's healthy, if he's okay.

Life is so ironically interesting. I mean some things are so coincidental, that you can't help but to pause and ponder. May 18th.

1. My dad's birthday

2. Emiri's mom R.I.P.

3. My little baby cousin's birth date. 5.18.09

A death, an anniversary, a birth. haha. coincidental and ironic, yeah?

I can't wait to meet my baby cousin. Of course, it's expected of my grandfather to come up with some super meaningful name for him. 程达. The second word, being the American version of the "first name"

This name is a blessing for my cousin to always be able to reach his goal. The second word means to reach a destination. 

and of course, mine is carpe diem.

I think i may be tired as fuck. 

tired of trying, tired of waiting, tired of pleasing.

take care of yourselves. 

i'm going to rest a little, and be an introvert for a period of time.

then the extrovert will return when she's ready.

find a close friend for me.

sorry. 

la fin.