uncomfortable.

I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this before, but it's bothering me quite a lot.

I know I'm supposed to be happy, and honestly I would believe myself to be happy, but for some reason, there's just this dark fog in my gut that's telling me " damn it, tiffany, you're unhappy." I hate it. I know it's probably wise to listen to something as ominous as a dark fog in my stomach, but I would much rather live in a blissful oblivion. That's not the only oxymoronic ache that's going on. Then there's the fact that I'm excited for a trip I've been planning for a while, and yet, something keeps making me melancholy about it. Maybe it's the fact that not only me, but someone else had to go through troubles, efforts, obstacles in order to make this trip kind of semi-work. And well, I'm quite a superstitious person. When something doesn't even plan out right, how will it be good in action..? I guess that's what my gut's telling me right now. " look at all the trouble you and (insert name here) had to go through in order to make this tiny little trip work. Is it worth it?"
Now, this is the thing that really really really bothers me. The fact that usually, I'd know the hopeless romantic in me would scream " YES! it's worth it!" THIS time, however, my conscience is split in half.
The Idealist replies: "Why, of course it is worth it! Why would it not be worth it? This is TIME! God-given, easily-grasped time! It's precious precious moments FED to you. Take it."
The Cynist argues: " Well. It's not like you did not see what happened last time. Time isn't time together if well, technically, you're not together. You know that. You don't like how that feels -- being ignored after toiling and striving to get there.. to receive what? Time to read a book and magazine? You have that at home! Why be excited?"

Well, I'm going no matter what. Whether or not I'll be content, that is to be determined. Although, I've found that whenever I'm within a 5-feet radius of (insert name here), I usually end up happy. I'm just quite skeptical as to how things will turn out. Like last time? Or.. different...?

For the past two days, I don't know if it's because I may be PMSing, or it's because of that dark fog of unhappiness is in my gut, I just keep sobbing.
1. I'm REALLY glad about that because my contacts make my eyes so dry, I thought i lost the ability to cry! haha.
2. I really would like to know why I'm crying so much. :/

Everytime I think of the phrase "always second best," tears just can't help but escape.
Actions speak louder than words.
Words...are so easily transformed into lies.

I am pretty damn sure, that there is no way that I can be the top of the pyramid, the most Imp0$%@^%, the most tr3@$^&#&. No matter how many times you say it, words are just words, and I wish that your actions could prove those words. I wish I could be beguiled, so I could fully believe exactly what you say. I want to believe. Actions just disprove those words at times. So What am i supposed to believe if actions contradict words...