5 stages of grief.

It's amusing for me to look back on my blogs, and see how they've steered away from that particular topic as time went along. Comments about that particular topic gradually faded from the paradigm words of true feelings. No matter how slow a transition it was.. It is accomplished. Dealt. Understood.

An amazing friend of mine pointed out to me:

" You're being so pathetic. Don't you realize what the hell you're going through? It's the exact same 5 steps of mourning that widows go through, and you haven't lost anything. Actually, you should feel exuberant in release."

That. was 2 months ago.

So.

first step.

1. Denial

This.. can't be true. Everything was fine. Everything was turning out so well. It seemed like I was doing things right for once, so why the hell is everything falling apart?

2. Anger.

That's right, I was fucking pissed. It didn't make any sense to me why something I sacrificed so much for gets to be destroyed in my own hands. What kind stupid ass situation is this.

3. Bargaining.

Maybe I'll try harder. Maybe.. maybe I'll stop hoping. Maybe.. I'll just. do all I can. I would give everything that I have to offer to make it work. Deal?

4. Depression.

For nights on end, I felt so damn alone, dejected, unwanted, worthless. I wondered why, what, and how it came down to all this. What did I do to deserve it. How much I have put in to paradoxically receive this kind of consequence. Too many tears to mention.

5. Acceptance.

Fuck it, I'm stronger than that. Independence is a gift, not a condemnation. I'll utilize it to my advantage.

So I inadvertently flew through the 5 stages of grief, without ever noticing that I did.

I like moving on. New people. New feelings. New environment. New everything.

Truthfully. I didn't do anything wrong, and I believe it. I gave it my all.

And I would doubt my innocence in the matter, if it were not for confirmations from many.

But, in the end, others' opinions do not matter. It is my own that stands.

Happiness is what I make of it. I'll find happiness.

I swear, and I'll be the last one to smile, laugh.

Although, I wish for happiness too, and laughter from.. that. also.

the end.

for now.

(:

"way down in Berkeley"

So, it's true. It has already been 1 and a half weeks that I've been studying at UC Berkeley.. in.... well..Berkeley, California. I stand corrected. Berkeley, I LOVE YOU! haha.

College is definitely hard. I spend everyday studying/reading/homeworking/quizzing/etc../repeat../repeat.../repeat

But, i go out too, I party, I try to have fun, and let loose. About.. 1 -2 times per week, or else I'm sure I'll find some way to jump off the famous "suicidal math building" (which now has glass railings around it to prevent suicide attempts)... yummmmaaay

haha

But why do I love it here?

I mean, some people absolutely hate it here. Some people (which used to be me) hates everything about this place. But I love the whole vibe, I love the attitude that people have. Nobody has the attitude of.. ... well.. nothing. And, it seems everybody knows.. what they want to study... not as in, what they want to do for the rest of their lives, but as in they know what they're interested in, and they're not afraid to go after it. It's.. inspirational.

I love how, people are all so passionate. Hey, even the hobos are passionate.

I don't think I've ever met such a knowledgeable and devoted homeless man before as the one that wanders around Sproul. He screams out his ideals of religion, and in the things he speaks of, there are some crazy relevant theories of human behavior that he extracted out of his passion for religion.

Another reason is probably.. I feel like I can really be myself here.

There are actually people who think what I like, what I want to study, what I'm interested in is.. well.. not. WEIRD

haha.

So what if I'm into diseases (the really gross kinds), or psychotic twists in human behavior?

There could be another person down the block who is interested in necrophiliac behavior.

it's alllll good

come visit me, guys.

there's amazing food around berkeley..

maybe not IN the school dining halls..

but anywhere else in berkeley,

we've got bomb food.

and thrift stores.

and.. JUST AMAZING PEOPLE (:

I miss you all.

hope you think of me too

what's wrong?

Honestly, I think the answer to that question is .. well, one again.. me. I feel like I am a failure at doing anything correctly. How many times will it take before I lose all of those around me because I've wronged too much? I don't like how that cloud of guilt lingers over my head. Sometimes I think to myself of how I've messed up so many times. And though people say, I do not need to apologize for the things I've done, somewhere in my heart, I know that they are just too tired to forgive again. It's that type of " I'm so used to it" feeling, that I don't want people to have, and yet they do. How do I make things right? How do I stop conflict.. I wish I knew. I wish there could just be some God-sent sign that blatantly prescribes: " This is what you do:" Yet, what a fantasy. Some things are for myself to figure out. Except this time, it seems the problem is a part of me. So it comes down to, if I'm willing to change myself in order to make things right. Well, am I? I know for this one particular person, I'd do it. Too bad I'm not sure if that will solve all the problems. 

I don't understand why things have to be so hard. Not anymore. I finally realize the kind of pain, frustration, and hopelessness that one of my friends had felt before. 

"Why must things be so hard? Why can't things be easy? Let's just.. enjoy all the good. There's no reason for things to be hard. I'm sure I'll still learn to treasure the good times, even if there are not the hard times." ______ said.

Yeah, I get what you mean now. I don't know how to make things... good all the time, no matter how much I wish it. Harsh words, Cold feelings, Soulless eyes. I don't want any of that. I want warm smiles, longing glances, sincere whispers. How do I keep from messing up? Somebody teach me, please? I miss laughing and smiling, and doing nothing but. Those things seem so  far away, and all of those trivial things like fighting, bickering are the only things that end up staying in my head. And those are the things that bother me for nights to come, Those are the things that instill my insomnia. 

A rock hanging over our heads...

I'm trying my best to not let that rock fall. I swear. I may not be able to solve all the problems in the world, but.. I can try can't i?

an attempt is better than not doing anything at all. I'd rather put all I have in solving a problem, than sitting on the side being a crybaby. 

I feel like I've lost so much already. I don't think I can risk losing anymore. I really don't. Even if people say I'm addicted to pain, to conflict. Fine, so be it. But.. I really do think if I lose one more thing, I will break. Especially now. I'm way too scared to let things fall apart. I want to keep things from falling apart. 

Help me out here.

Please. 

I'm getting tired. Lend a helping hand.

-----------------------------------------

I don't like the threat of low blood sugar. I don't like the idea of being able to wake up one day, and collapsing right down, and fall into a deep, long sleep, and waking up somewhere cold, filled with syringes.

pills are gross too.

-----------------------------------------

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me, and why I do the things I do. I don't have the right to do any of those things. I guess I just get scared sometimes, and I run for refuge, whatever that is. Forgive me. I will change.

That, I promise. And a promise is a promise.

-----------------------------------------

Maybe it's true, maybe it's time to reinvent myself. Let's start over.

Hi, My name is Tiffany Cheng, or Jin, if you don't mind. I've always had two names. It's a little stumble my father made, but I kind of love it. I love singing my heart out, and the smell of a forest after an afternoon shower of rain. I carry quite a few faults, but I'm glad to change them if they ever threaten your happiness or comfortability. I want to be a good person, so let me help, and in so, you help me become a good person. I'm really emotional, but I don't show it to many people, unless it hits somewhere deep (that's why I usually never cry during sad movies). I have this stupid syndrome in which I keep up a wall with anyone I meet, but I swear, once you get to know me, I act like I'm part of your family. It gets annoying at times. I pour out everything about me to a person once I trust them, and TRUST ME, it's very easy for me to trust. The thing is, I can lose trust very quickly too. But, I'm also a firm believer in forgive and forget, and the idea of second chances. So don't worry, I come around. Lollipops make me happy, especially strawberry creme flavored ones, and sour patched kids can cheer me up for any problem. As you can tell, I have a sweet tooth, and so I always end up eating a bunch of snacks and things that are bad for me, whenever I'm not feeling like myself. One of the most important things is, I'm extremely awkward. And I don't mean lanky awkward (that's the cute kind of awkward). I'm the kind of awkward that will make you awkward, and it's like a genetic disorder. I have no clue how to cure it. I'm embarrassing too. Don't be surprised if we're eating ice cream, and somehow, my hand misses the spoon and lands in the ice cream. That's happened to me before. I'm also super clumsy (a side effect of awkward). But it's okay, I apologize to every chair/table/inanimate object I run into. I'm polite, even if it's to things I don't need to be polite to. I think the most important thing in life is to always have Love, so as you can tell. I'm romantic and quixotic as hell is hot. 

Although, That's all you need to know for now. 

I can't say everything about me within 1 paragraph anyway. 

To be continued.

Scaredycat, coward. toughen up.

(note: The Chinese government forbid access to anti-communistic sites, including any websites that showcased anti-communist information, therefore, sadly, Blogger was also locked; ergo, I did not blog as I promised. I apologize.)

Who is? Not anyone any of you would expect. I was referring to myself. For this whole day today, I kept reminding myself that ... I really need to stop being so weak. It's true. Weakness will not get me anywhere. So what am I so damn afraid of? Well, obviously that one thing that has always gnawed at my so-called strength: Loneliness. The thing is, I really should not be afraid of it. Technically, Loneliness is this beautiful thing that teaches each and every one of us to survive on our own, to.. thrive independently, to be our own persons (and yes, in this case, 'persons' is politically and grammatically correct.). And, if I really think about it, I'm never alone. I have these wonderful friends, these amazingly perfect, yet absolutely human parents, and other people who care for me. The word Loneliness shouldn't even exist in my vocabulary. There is no valid reason as to why I should be afraid, or bothered, or frustrated. Things come and go, and no matter what or who I end up with, I will always have those that care for me, even though they may be miles away, or farther. So after all of this thinking, I started to question, maybe.. the reason I'm so distraught is not because I'm scared of being lonely, or feeling lonely, I'm just despaired at witnessing something that I put so much into crumble in the palm of my hands. 

I am not the type of person to often ask for second chances, unless.. I really feel it is necessary.. most of that due to, I do not think I deserve second chances, though I believe all people do, I've believed myself to be a special case. So I definitely surprised myself when I did ask for a second chance. Now as to why I did it, I'm not sure. It may be.. a spur of the moment stumble, it may be a spur of the moment opportunity, it may just be.. Delirium, It can also be ... inside my heart somewhere, that was what I was hoping for. I feel like, I have really lost a good sense of who I am, and what I want, what I need. I forgot how great it feels to just be myself in front of someone. It feels so comfortable to just.. let someone see the real me. Granted, I'm not a good person, although I'm not.. bad either, in my opinion. I'm just a normal person, you know, a mixture of good and bad. It's nice not having to put up a fake facade, a despicably for-pretend smile. But, I guess it was nice while it lasted. Who am I to force other people to lose their smiles, their happiness? My second chance may have caused another person frustration, pain, annoyance, negativity, but, I took it as it is anyway. I can't be that selfish. I want..  another person to be happy. I want for me.. to learn a lesson, to grow, to... well, maybe I'm just meant for studying... a lot. Everyone deserves happiness, and I've gotten mine, though.. apparently not for as long as I'd like. But, if everything always went my way, then, I would never learn to chase after anything. Just a little longer, I'll keep chasing. And when I know I've reached my capacity, when nothing in me gives me enough strength to sustain me any longer, I'll stop. Or, in the very exceptional case, that I somehow change targets, I will move on to chase something else. And of course, if my current target wishes me to stop, I will willingly oblige.

Everything ends eventually, at some time. no matter how hard we try to keep things going, somehow... something runs out.. and before we know it, it's over. abruptly. The quixotic mind would think that nothing ends... it just continues after a little construction site in the road. But, Quixotic fools are hurt so easily. Maybe it's better to think, and know, and realize, that.. nothing lasts.. ever. why, if things didn't end, I doubt that any of us would ever treasure the things we have. We just sometimes forget that things do end. So when the end does come ruthfully taking away what you never knew you had, something in you gets taken away with it, and you are never the same again. Absolutely ridiculous sounding, but I've always thought, that anytime that I use my heart to do something, I put a piece of my heart with it. To me, whenever something ends, I have the hardest time letting it end.. as it should. That's probably abnormal of me, or.. foolish of me, but.. please, like I said before, I don't ask for chances easily, but please, just let me be a quixotic fool once more. And if I'm wrong, like I usually am, then.. I'll let it end. What's a few days, give or take.

-----------------------------

Just yesterday, my father said to me, " I want you to stop worrying, to stop thinking, to stop being so negative. I want you to have fun. You've worked hard. It's time to have fun, not for anybody else either, but for yourself. I don't like that pensive, contemplative and sad look you have in your eyes. You think I don't know? I'm your own father. There's no one else in the world that cares about you more than I do. Take a break. Forget all your worries."

I swear I haven't been so touched in a long time.  It was so relieving to hear my dad say that. I should stop thinking, and just.. let things go their way.. 

But, I guess things are never as easy as I want them to be. Maybe I'm just meant to worry. 

----------------------------

I have no clue why, but.. for some reason, this memory popped into my head today :

Him singing my favorite song at the time for me. Gosh, he tried so hard. And even though he wasn't a singer, and .. he.. was quite terrible at it, haha, he put so much effort into it, that I couldn't help but laugh with joy. I could tell he took a long time to perfect it; before that night, he didn't even think of ever singing it. Oh, and him singing twinkle twinkle little star, and me keeping it in my phone in secret, and how he had no idea that had totally recorded him while he was singing it to me. Oblivious, in a good way. 

----------------------------------

Anyways, I'll give it a few days.

If I'm ready to give up, When I'm ready, I'll let it go. I'll give up. Like others have. I'm just a little more stubborn that most.  Sue me.

On the way to LA Chine

I am in korea right now,
in the Incheon airport...
super bored,
waiting for my transfer flight to go back to my hometown..
excited, yet anxious, ecstatic, yet nervous.

Wish me luck guys!
i'll blog once i'm there
(to be continued)

back to the hometown (buffet unnecessary)

So, tonight is the night that i depart for china... for a month.
i'm quite excited to go back to where i was born, and to go back to see my grandparents (who raised me from when i was 2-8). I haven't seen them in a year, and I think it'd be nice to visit them once more before I head off on my own adventures in college.

I gotta say, I've had quite an overwhelming day today. Basically, I wake up, and I find that my Iphone 3GSweetie <3>sound effects and flashbacks for the portable machine that is my fictional baby. I love this thing. So, i silently (out of respect) and carefully trasferred the lifeless, limp, cadavre into its little sarcophagus labeled "iPhone 3Gs." Then, I did the deed. That's right. I called my dad. This is what he replied to my "how do I bring my little frankenstein baby back to life?" dilemma:
"WHAT THE @(*$ IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT THING, I BOUGHT THAT THING 5 @)(*$)(*#$ DAYS AGO. WHAT THE @)#($* DID YOU DO? GET YO BUTT OVER HERE. WE HAVE TO GO TO THE APPLE STORE"

so we HEAD onto the apple store, and damn, this is the first time i've seen my father so mad at me.
well , which makes sense.. this little "baby" of mine isn't thrifty. It cost 500. ):
MMhmm back to the story. So i'm at the apple store, and one of the representatives comes to my rescue, and says " i'm sorry, you're going to have to pay 200... our general manager said so.."
AND I WAS LIKE,
" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS THING IS NOT WORTH.. 500+200! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! IT's not like it's an ACTUAL baby!"
So there i was, totally distraught. Contemplating about whether or not if i should take the leap, work for my dad for FOREVER, earn his forgiveness, and the 200 dollars......
THEN, OUT OF NO WHERE. AN ANGEL SHOWS UP. well not exactly. but he's quite an angel to me. This angel is the guy who helped me with my 3GS transaction the first time. He saw my little cutie laying dead upon plastic, and said " let me see what I can do."
SOMEHOW, he got me a hook up! SO, FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE screen change.
I honestly will never forget his kindness. OH, I show eternal gratitude, the doode is getting presents. ( not as bribes, but as... a sign of.. my forever indebtedness to him...). He is amazing.
I hope he gets whatever wish he wants GRANTED. Damn, he deserves it.

okay so, that is my day.
woo hoo.
haha
and now it is t minus 5 hours before i head for the airport.
and i'm only about 1/2 done with packing.
i hate packing, don't you guys hate it too? You never know what to bring, and you want to bring EVERYthing (just in case), and yet, obviously everything isn't going to fit into one compact suitcase...
THEREFORE, time to do some thinking, and see what is essential for my trip.
au revoir, mes amis importants.

”Donnez la gentillesse sur ceux qui vous donnent la gentillesse"

J'ai BESOIN d'INTERNET.

OH BLOG, I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Since my family is officially converting from avid Charter followers to fellow Direct TV'ers, I do not have internet right now in my home. Everyday, I have to use the little tiny power of my iphone in order to have a social life on the web. Well, of course you're wondering right now of how the heck I'm blogging at this very moment if I do not have the privilege of having internet access. Why, I traveled all the way to El Monte to borrow my dad's office, here, I am typing on his computer, and hindering his working efficiency. Hopefully he'll recover.
Obviously a lot has happened since June. I feel quite terrible, since in the last blog I promised that i would start writing regularly again. Due to circumstances, however, I could not fulfill that promise. ): Forgive me.

My little hubbie/love slave/partner in crime/boyfriend, has officially departed for the Phillippines, and this actually happened on the night of my orientation at UC Berkeley (of which i will elaborate later on in this blog). Gosh, this is quite pathetic, but I miss him a lot already. OH YES. If any of you have not witnessed yet, EK has completely shaved all of the hair on his head OFF. YES. it's ALL GONE! Now, he reminds me of Humpty Dumpty... because his head is particularly egg-shaped. It's a nice discovery I guess. Without the hair style change, I would've never realized that my boyfriend has a head that mimics a chicken's offspring... (well before the cracking part). I gotta say, he better grows his hair back to his old hairstyle, he's not exactly... amazingly attractive right now. Although, i'll still take him as he is. haha. Afterall, I hope not to be shallow. What are physical appearances anyway, psh. He has a semi-wonderful personality.....
Just kidding.
he does have a great personality


Now, onto the topic of my CalSO, which is the orientation for Cal, or UC Berkeley. ( In this segment, I shall use the original nickname of Berkeley, which is Cal because Cal takes much less effort to type.. I'm lazy. sue me.) I gotta say, CalSO has definitely made me fall in love with Cal. They exposed so many different aspects of Cal i never could've expected to discover by myself. Oh, and somehow I caught on this natural hatred for Stanford. Mostly because Stanford and Cal are rival schools. So DOWN WITH STANFORD. GO BEARS! woo hoo!
haha. hopefully i won't turn into one of those super competitive, belligerent, and hostile college cheerers...
So what did we do during CalSO? Well the first half of the orientation was quite boring. In fact, i fell asleep straight through 3 seminars. Thank Goodness they did not catch me and videotape me. They decided to show a collective video of all the people that were sleeping during CalSO at the closing ceremony... Lucky me. whew. The second half of the first day, however, was absolutely eye-opening and life changing. We had an exercise called the "Stand If" exercise, in which they would give out a statement, and if it applies to you, you STAND UP!
IT was surprising to see how many people had gone through the same things I did, and also how many people gone through different situations. Everybody had... similar yet different opinions about subjects. It gave me a great feeling of "belonging" to the Cal community. I mean, there were so many things that I didn't know about people before the exercise, but after it, I felt as if i knew everybody so much better. It paralleled a "secret telling session." Basically we were all stepping out of our comfort zones and... well. expose who we are. It was AMAZING. Afterwards, we had a little discussion seminar about our opinions. That was fun too. Some people were not who they seemed to be. It's very cool. The whole CalSO experience just reiterated the lessons that my grandfather taught me when I was young. I should have never closed off my expectations of Berkeley, because well, it's such a beautiful school, such an amazing university, with such outstanding opportunities. I should've kept an open mind, as I always should. It also reiterated to never judge. We, as human beings, have no right to judge.. I mean if you think about it, we've all made mistakes... we've all sinned, who are we to comment on others' mistakes?

Right now, I am so proud to be a GOLDEN BEAR! haha.
Hopefully I'll be able to blog again soon, and hopefully I can keep my blog meaningful and interesting.
I'm out of time,
so i'll end this blog with a famous Bear CHEER!

You know it! What?
You tell the story! Yeah!
You tell the whole damn world this is BEAR TERRITORY!

au revoir mes amis importants,


"gardez toujours un esprit ouvert, car l'envie proche cause l'ignorance et la stupidité."