What Knowledge?

Honestly, what the hell? haha. Sometimes I'm not sure if.. I actually know things, or if I'm just randomly guessing at things and somehow having enough luck to get them right.

age and metamorphosis.

Gahhhh... sorrry.. I really fail at updating this thing. I promised myself I would update this blog very often, and It probably does me more good to update it than harm, and yet, I still can't find time. My fault. Absolutely my fault. I mean the whole existence of this blog is to let me free all the things that I want to say, that I've kept locked up inside me. I have got to stop being a hypocrite, and get put my fingers and brain to work! haha, I hope I keep that motivation, and will update this thing more often.

Now, about the main topics I wanted to discuss in this blog.

AGE! I don't mean the actual, literal, representation of Age, as in you know, wrinkles, age spots, white hair, or... lack of hair, baby teeth, footie pajamas.... haha. No. What I'm referring to is internal age.. And I don't mean my organs or something, I mean... gosh what do I mean. haha. I should've figured that out first before I decided to ramble aimlessly. All you college freshmen out there, This is pertained to you. Do any of you feel this kind of weird, paradoxical, oxymoronic aging in you? I mean. damn we're so young, aren't we? There are so many things we know not of, and we can just bump blindly in order to make some sense of things. However, we DO know so much.. I've only been in college 3 months ( a short amount of time considering that I may be in college till the time I'm 30 GO GRAD SCHOOL!), and yet... I feel like I've gained so much knowledge from the time I was still a graduated senior from high school. It seems like I really shouldn't learned much, if I learned anything, during this short amount of time; yet I feel like I have so much more knowledge to offer. Oh, so strange.. High school kids seem so much younger now. I probably do not know much more than they do.. and yet, I have so much to give to them. Cornucopia of experiences. I finally got the old mature boot kick of " I finally realize I'm 18." For sooth, I'm an adult now, and have been for the past 2 months (almost, at least).

Metamorphosis.. College is such an amazing godsend in life. So amazing. It's like a sandpaper wrapped around a certain area of the cord of life, that erodes the greasy black façade we've all been hiding under for the past few years. It's crazy. College exposes you to reality. Everybody isn't who they seemed, or seems to be. Lots of us probably think, dang, I don't think I'll be changed by college. I mean, I know who I am, and I will be able to control the happenings of this whole process. For the few population for which that statement is true, dang. congratulations, I'm glad you know yourself so well. For the rest of us, Change is basically inevitable. I mean, I ADMIT IT. I've changed. College has definitely had an effect on me, even though I haven't been here for a while. The metamorphosis isn't exactly in the sense of what I talked about in my past paragraph, although it is a part of the transformation. There's more. I mean, you just basically totally change, either into someone you've always wanted to be, into someone you'd never thought you'd be, into someone who is you, with subtle either positive or negative traits added. I am definitely not the same person I was back in high school, haha. A perfect example of how people change is the loss of contacts, or gain of contacts that college brings you. Some of your closest friends, will gradually stop talking to you, or just abruptly stop trying to stay in contact with you at all. Some of the strangers, or good friends that you have will suddenly become your best friends. Some of your enemies will become your good friends. Some of your close friends will become enemies. Of course, this is also inevitable. People grow apart, people grow closer. It's all a part of life. We are all individually on different paths, sometimes those paths cross, and you form a great relationship in the form of a rest stop.. but a rest stop is a rest stop, you move on. Sometimes those paths never cross again. Sometimes they end up crossing each other again. Sometimes, our paths are parallel with another's, and we never end up meeting, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes, out paths are converged together, and we end up tied to each other for the rest of our lives. College is just one of those things that puts you in a starting position to get this path really to start winding. I mean, in high school, though there were people we didn't meet, most of our paths had to cross each other at one point. College puts you physically and mentally in different places in your path, so this path separation thing is way more apparent. There's nothing you can do about it.

There's nothing any of us can do. It's not depressing, it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be cumbersome. It's just a part of life that all of us eventually have to go through. It may be hard to accept, and it may take a while to accept it, but we all will at some time. Gradually, we all realize that this phenomena is actually kind of interesting, maybe even considered wondrous. The way life ticks, it makes you pensive. And that's definitely not a bad thing. Thought = growth = YAY!

haha

alright, that's it for now. (:

La Croissance est nécessaire pour la vie, l'accepter et l'étreindre.

fantasy as fuel

Wow, She is so lucky. I mean, it seems somehow that she stumbled upon the one guy that makes her smile, all the time. Though she is burdened with copious school work that would with no doubt bury anybody else, he brings a light in her life that seems to drive all the negativity away. It's crazy. It is as if.. love is some type of antibiotic, in a live culture of pathogenic bacteria ready to wear you down. Love is the antidote that dissolves all troubles within 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second. I find myself today contemplating over this opinion of mine. It's not that I am jealous or.. envious, but more that I am happy.. for her, as a caring bystander. As I said, I feel that she is quite lucky, maybe it's different from her point of view, which is understandable, I do not know all the aspects of her relationship. Love is blind, and sometimes I wish it could blind me once more.

Inhibiting happiness

I bet you're all looking at the title of this blog going, what the hell is she talking about? Who'd want to ever do that, and who'd actually have the potential to accidentally or purposefully achieve that? For sooth. Who would ever want to destroy, deter, or quell the one thing that provides for all of us an innate reason to smile?

I realize it happens anyway. All of us are born with this weird outlook of life, that if anything seems to go wrong... it has to do with a part of us that caused a break in the perfect life we're supposed to have. Either that, or we blame someone else, but I'm sure most of us are more.. self-depricating than.. irresponsible. When it comes to happiness, we as human believe that it is in our own hands, so when that little delicate piece of emotion called happiness crumbles in the palm of our hands, we immediately think " what have I done?"

The strange thing is.. 90% of the time, all we did is try to mend a teeny tiny crack that may cause unhappiness, and in the process of mending it, we somehow notice that the crack becomes a crater, a black hole... either from our own futile doings, or.. it was just absolutely inevitable. We blame ourselves for it anyway, which isn't very logical.. Think about it.. Why would anyone want to take his/her own happiness away? Nobody wants that, as.. fundamental as it is, when something goes wrong, we somehow switch to the perspective of a person falling away from the grasps of life, and we think... we wanted to do this terrible act to ourselves. Hey! snap out of it. haha. we're not masochists.... not when it comes to this abstract noun.

I have come to find myself wondering that exact outlook I'm trying to rebut right now. What Have I Done. Honestly. For a while, things were... wonderful... impeccably wonderful, and if not that, it was.. damn close. I would wake up everyday... with a smile on my face.. and I would tell myself... this is.. what.. life at its prime.

The thing is, I think that period of time.. wasn't normal. It was ABNoRMALLY good.

something should've signaled in my head: " you're young. this prime of life thing, isn't supposed to hit you until you've learned enough about life.. which you obviously haven't.. watch it!"

Truthfully.. I think.. happiness.. should be fairly easy to achieve.. I mean.. what we perceive of occurrences, and life, is what is evoked in our emotions.. So.. if we just altered our outlook a bit, smiled a bit more, and most importantly, act as who we are while doing it.. happiness will come knocking on your door. Although of course, if we truly are unhappy, then.. there's no reason to hide it. Sometimes.. we just have to.. solve the problem.. pour the negativity out.. achieve that balance between.. good vs. bad. Just like.. biological homeostasis, our.. emotions have to find that medium as well.

About being ourselves. It's difficult isn't it? I've always found that.. people who dare to be themselves are those that have.. the greatest amount of courage. Technically, all of us put on this unconscious façade, to try to fit society's image of each and every one of us. Who we are supposed to be. Those that have courage stand up, rebel, and give society the finger = individuality is what leads to happiness, being yourself is what.. gives you strength. Why fit into a cookie cutter frame? Trivial happiness seems so.. miniscule and infinitesimal when compared to the ultimate happiness found in being comfortable with who we are.. True happiness. that's what individuality brings us. So. why is this task so hard?

Because society invades every inch of our lives. The girl you see walking past you in the morning when you go to school, the distant family member that hasn't seen you a while, the old man sitting at the bench waiting for the bus. Nobody honestly believes that humans don't judge, right? We do it. subliminally. you may not release the opinions you have, but as long as those opinions are formed, congrats, you just judged. So with all of these opinions smacking us in the face, it's like.. having.. these weird alcoholic drivers targeting you with their car as you're trying to reach your goal of individuality. So you wind off path, sometimes, you may go a little too far...and something tells me you expect me to shun the going off path thing. Nope. not at all. We all sway.. haha. it's a difficult journey. Of course we will sway, we will be lured by the idea of "fitting in." The thing is.. Individuality doesn't necessarily have to be equivalent to loneliness...

We can be happy being who we are, while having things in common with others. I mean. come on, we're all human, something tells no matter HOW different you are, you have something that somebody else also has. You just may not be using the right trait or.. interest to match with others. Hm. Comme Edna Pontellier dans The Awakening..

She was confronted with two opposite sides of the societal spectrum: Reisz who was.. intimidatingly individualistic, yet lonely.

and.. Adele Ratignolle who was basically a little rag doll under societal control, though she had many "friends" ( i quote this because. something tells me these friends won't stick with her if she were in real deep shit). And.. Edna chose.. neither. She chose to go her own way, although.. her representation was a bit drastic. Don't kill yourself. haha. Her suicide is.. interpreted as.. either an accomplishment, in that she retained her own self-being, while finding happiness, Or as defeat, since she seemed to run away. Find who you are, and.. BE that person. But remember, don't lock yourself from others. Trust me. There's something that links us all together. So go for it. Be yourself, and be happy all at the same time (:

Tirez le Bonheur de l'Individualité. c'est la vie.

discretions. discretions. discretions

Once in a while, I'll wake up in the morning, and it won't be any trivial morning, where all I do is wash, brush, change, makeup, leave. The special mornings I have are mornings that I wake up to my mind being overactive, helping me contemplate about things I've never had the chance to think about. I wonder what the fuck am I doing. How dare I let myself sink to the level to find generic joys and pleasures through... inebriation. I know I am better than that. There are so many things in my life that should make me want to smile, so what purpose does ethanol serve. Every time I let myself succumb to the lures of alcohol, I can feel myself sink deeper into a filthy metaphorical immoral swamp, and yet I can't stay away. Control is key. Control is important to me. I make a promise to myself: no more lack of control. My life will play out as I want it to. Distractions from fate are just distractions. Nonetheless, My life is my life.

Okay. Time for another topic, yes?

I feel like.. recently, I have forgotten what it means to be truly happy. I feel like I really have been letting every little negativity get to me. Do you other newly-exposed-to college kids feel this thing.. which I call.. BALL OF DEPRESSION. It's when all the pressure of college and .. the future kind of hits you all at once, and you feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing comes out of it. Then, you want to just stay in your dorm, skip your classes ( which i've only done once thank you, because I was sick), and stop trying. Quit school, relax as if everyday was the summer break after senior year, and just let your mind rot. Yeah, it hits you pretty hard. I think I'm ready to escape from that slump. I'm ready to go back to being YAY HAPPY TIFFANY! :D instead of why has everything been attacking me as if i'm a target tiffany. ):

You guys all like the YAY HAPPY TIFFANY :D more anyway, right?

So. here I am.

no more hiding behind the sad façade.

(:

rip it up, kids.

i don't know how to describe what i feel right now. I wish I could. Part of me longs to feel some sort of sadness, depression, and yet.. nothing's there. Another part of me's telling me to be happy, "good riddance." Yet, none of that precipitates as well. Apathy is all that lingers after " it" flies down the chute. Towards a recycling bin, i'm sure. All that matters to me right now.. is who i am, what the hell i want, and how to take care of those that care for me.. well, not all of those that care for me... and by that i mean, those people that say they care, but... really don't show it.

congrats.

you're 7 days late. exactly a week.

i'm sorry. i don't believe any of the shit that you said.

i'm sorry. i tore it up to shreds. i felt an adrenaline rush caused by a sudden emergence of anger.

you're right.

nothing. nothing between.

nothing of you, nothing of me.

you're nothing. Who the hell are you?

Don't let me ever see you again.

Yes. I do thank you.

taught me a lot about myself, and about what i want.

yes.

you may be the one person in this whole world that i will never give redemption to. the one person that i will render undeserving of an 8th chance.

i counted.

should've stopped a long time ago.

be confused. things are confusing.

humans are confusing.

never should've happened.

a fairy tale gone wrong.

very true. no happy ever after's in reality.

i'm sure you'll find one. you're not cursed.

i'm Jin xed.

i'm not searching. i'm not waiting. i'm not ready.

i don't feel anything anymore. it's that same feeling of numb you get after drinking too much alcohol

but trust me. i'm responsible.

don't tell me to not be strong. you took away too much. i don't have much left to be strong.

i don't have the strength to be kind anymore.

not to you.

or care for you.

none of that.

i hope you're happy.

go for it, forget me. oh wait. i'm sure you already have.

it's easy for you.

you've done it before.

multiple times.

don't say you wish for something good for me.

i find that to be nothing but words to make yourself feel better.

make yourself feel like you're a good person, with good ideals, and good morals.

no.

you said it.

you're bad.

go use yourself.

goodbye.

One of those days

Today is one of those days that I wish to not let anyone into my bubble. It's not as if today is a bad day. I don't think it is. It's just a regular, normal, boring day, and yet today I woke up with loneliness hitting me in the head. However, that's not a bad thing. I need to be hit with it sooner or later. Loneliness is never a bad thing. It's an enzyme for the reaction that produces my growth. I love independence. It makes me feel like I can amount to something. Who doesn't love that?

People always want things that they can not have. I wish that wasn't true, but it is..

In the physical end, people with curly hair want straight hair; people with straight hair want curly hair. In the metaphysical end, people with a partner want to be alone, people without a partner want partners. Why the hell do humans torture themselves so? Hey, but don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I need a partner, or straight hair. haha. I think I'm in the time period of my life where I need to take time off for myself, and find out who I am, and be completely comfortable with who I am. I think I'm not a bad person. No. I Know that I'm not a bad person. I'm not going to lie, I do bad things, but the thing is, who doesn't do bad things? A person who lives without any sin in his/her life is nonexistent. That's the key to being human. : Knowing what you do wrong, and minimizing the quantity of bad things done. Not.. Knowing what you do wrong, and absolutely being the most perfect person ever created on the face of this earth. because face it: PERFECTION IS NONEXISTENT. Paradoxically, perfection is imperfect. Would you want a perfect person? I wouldn't. Think about it. Intimidating, isn't it?

So no. I'm not going to lie.

Yes, I said I wasn't going to drink, and No. I did not keep that promise. I guess it runs in the family. My father drinks, so do I. I'm not an alcoholic, even if I used to drink at that amount. I know how to control myself, and I will not, do not let myself get drunk. I'm no idiot, and I know what I'm doing. I'm not doing it to fit in; not to run from my problems (although it helps), I'm doing it because I want to. It's an experience. Calm and Collected, that's what I aim for, and so far, that's what it has been. I keep myself intact. I watch over others and keep them intact. I'm no demon, but I'm definitely no angel either. So excuse me for my actions. I apologize for contradicting my words, yet I do not apologize for my actions. Circumstances change, and one promise I'll always keep: no regrets. I won't do anything I'll regret. keep your trust in me.

Tattoos.

the next topic.

I am planning to get inked. with my fellow pledge sister, Gabby.

tattoo of what? haven't really decided yet

I'm kind of in a pickle between two.

1. solid, purely black wings on the back of my shoulders (one on each shoulder)

-meaning: I find myself to be a fallen angel. I try to be good, but of course, I'm imperfect, and I'm proud of my imperfections. I'm no angel, but.. that doesn't mean i'm not good-natured, or that I don't have a strong set of morals, or that I don't have kindness, pathos. But, I am definitely not a push-over, not all-merciful (although i do forgive and forget easily), so there you go. I feel those wings would fit me quite well.

2. Music staff of one measure, within the measure, a treble sign, and the notes F A C A D E. and cursive façade under it.

-Meaning: The treble sign because I sing in the range of tenor-soprano, all in the treble clef. haha. that's about it for that. Facade because.. I used to, and probably still (a bit) put up a facade towards people that I'm not close to. I've always had trouble trusting people after they lose my trust, so they get the Façade. It is quite a flaw but it is who I am, and I do try very hard to change that part of me, yet it.. no matter what, is a part of me (even if it will become a part of my past), and I want it to stick with me. So yes, that's an option as well. Oh, also because a lot of people see me, and they give a "façade" for me (like a stereotype), but I end up being something else = the real me. So, I think it'd be cool to accept what I am to others, it'l help me keep my actions intact, and my identity straight.

Which do you guys think is the one for me?

Or do you guys have other suggestions?

Hit the comment board! (:

dig it.