Losing control

What do you do when you're so distraught you're doing things you would never think of doing?
What happens when you try to take them back...

choosing to be dumb

I know I am doing the stupid and foolish thing. I know I am letting my quixotic nature get the best of me.... but is it so wrong? Something inside tells me that I am making the right decision. I know I'll be happier with myself with this decision.
I know I may get hurt. There's a good chance I may never feel as happy ever again. I could be facing immense pain that I can't even imagine.
I'm so very scared... but what can I do? The heart chooses what it chooses.
All I can do is Pray.

once again

As happy as I am to be here, in America, and not stuck in China, I am not happy to be here. With each passing moment, the reality of what I've been trying to avoid  is slowly growing in magnitude, inching at my brain, telling it to truly drown in what will probably be one of the most painful feelings I have felt, once again.
For the past 5 days, I've swallowed every wallowing tear, because I know that if I start crying, I wont' be able to stop.
Life is so ironic, so consumed with dark humor. I started college in this position, and now in my last year of undergrad, I'm in the exact same position, except with even more pain than I had in my first year.
I know what people will tell me. "It will all be okay. With time, the pain goes away."
Yet, how do I believe that when I can still remember how much it hurt the first time? Each time is a different type of pain. The first time stung, and every time a memory came up, it felt like needle pricks at my heart. I told myself I could handle it, because I gave myself time to be ready for it, and still recovery took me more time than I expected.
This time, the pain is much worse. It's not just stinging. It's tearing. It feels like something in me is being torn apart, over and over again. Every single moment my mind floats to it, the pain comes back, worse than the prior, tearing deeper and deeper.
I am so scared and so alone. I understand that I have people that care about me, and for that I am grateful. I feel their care. At the same time, I know they can't fix me.
Only one person can.. and that person happens to be the one to have broken me.
I can't listen to the songs we used to listen to without crying.
I can't look at old pictures without crying.
I can't read old messages and notes without crying.
I can't imagine him without crying.
So I've been avoiding all of these things.. because I know I can't handle it. But now that I'm back, I have no where to run. I have so many people and their opinions to confront. I need help.
I know all of these people are waiting to see how I react.. Will I be the strong female that puts on a smile, or  will I break down?
I don't know what I will be, but right now, I just want to figure things out.
For now, all I have is the ability to pray and wish that everything was just a dark, morose, nightmare, and that any moment, I will wake up.

two worlds.

I honestly don't think I can ever post the things I post on blogspot, on tumblr. Everytime I log onto tumblr it just makes me want to post random pictures, or admire those of others. It's different with blogspot. Tumblr is like a mall, filled with exciting and interesting things, with different genres and commercial attractions... while Blogspot is the art museum withholding existential thoughts, call-outs for help, everyday notions, and a good collection of emotion.

so i'm here to post.

I was asked about whether I had a New Year's resolution, and to be honest, at some point in my life, I just completely forgot about the tradition, and it's not because I can't keep a resolution, because.. I have very good stamina and determination.. It's more like, I try to make myself shift and engage in metamorphosis in every-day life already. There is one specific thing I'm aiming towards this year though, so I guess I have a New Year's resolution.. and that is to try and speak my mind. I'm sure a lot of people who have met me and got to know me some, think that I am just this kinda dumb-acting, directions-following duckling type of character. That's not necessarily true. I'm quite scared of revealing the things that I echo in my head through my mouth... I'm sure people would think I am very very very opinionated. Like say, when someone asks me what grade I got on an exam. I would think about it and answer " oh you know.. I did okay.. I didn't fail." <-- that type of typical vague answer you would expect. In my head I am thinking " dude. mind your own business. my grade isn't going to change yours. go live your own life while I plan out and live mine. " Now if I said that, the person who asked would probably think " wtf is up with tiffany? what a B!$@#" yeah... so I've been totally used to keeping things to myself, and bottled up. however, that really isn't the best option sometimes. Some situations call for a loud voice to say the damn right truth.... I'm stuck in one of those situations, hopefully I can work up some strength to spill the truth. Fear is nothing really. Fear comes from being alone, but I know I have people who will be by my side no matter what I end up spitting out of my mouth. Anyway, how can I ever conquer fear, if I let fear get the best of me, and not even try. Humans are all-powerful to a great extent. Fear is conquerable. No doubt.

Now, about my title.

I really do lead a double life. A plane ride across the ocean shifts everything. In America, I'm the sophomore Berkeley student trying not to fail every class I've signed up for. In China, I'm the performer that's rushed from the makeup room to the costume room to backstage. In America, I'm the girl who's in two choirs, and puts singing before everything. In China, I'm the girl that trains like crazy in order to get her voice out there.

Definitely, It's a struggle balancing both worlds, and trying to keep these worlds apart, instead of tipping over into each other. School is school; Dream chasing is dream chasing. Sometimes it makes me crazy because China world needs America world to space out according to it, but America world is just as important as China world. I've hated, I've annoyed, I've yelled.

But.. I think I'm beginning to get a handle on things.. and I've realized that I truly do have the best of both worlds. I get to sing to the population of one world, and I get to go to school and study what I want. I get to meet amazing, wonderful people with the same dream as I, and I get to join in prayer and praise with fellow friends and family.

Life is actually quite simple.. It only seems complex because we as humans are complicated, filled with complex thought. Simplicity at times perplex us, and we refuse to believe that we can make our lives wonderful and easy. Of course, just because life is simple doesn't mean there aren't ups and downs. Even a simple melody has it's turns and jumps, because those are what make things interesting.

I'm happy with who I am right now, and I want to keep working hard to reach my dreams, because it's so close it's exciting. Just a few more pushes, and I know I can grasp it within my hand.

I love my life that is filled with two worlds.

I am lucky. Some people only get one world.

back to blogspot

I tried the whole tumblr thing-a subconscious desperate attempt to fit in with the rest of the world-and it didn't work out all that well for me. I feel as if tumblr exposes my thoughts to a level that creates nothing but.. nervousness, by that I mean.. there is a point where I feel like people know too much. We all reside on spectrums, and one of them is knowledge. It is better to sit in between the two extremes, than to slide on over to a side. We should know more than absolutely zilch, but we should never know everything. Of course, knowing everything is literally impossible. But, letting people know my every thought in an environment where people read blogs to find what's new, instead of reading blogs to understand, is reaching my limit on the spectrum. Therefore I'm back. Blogspot has always been more of an intimate experience with me, and I trust it, and it's community, to let me once again express myself through writing.. or typing.. haha.

Speaking of spectrums... sometimes I feel as if people view me as.. someone that is extreme in morality. I mean that some see me as very strict and orthodox, kinda sorta like what Chinese people call Qing Gao, where I'm kinda high and mighty because I'm structured, and I have not a fine line, but a concrete well-established wall between what is wrong and what is right. Then, there are people who see me as kind of lax, all over the place, not really having any thought about straying off path. Heh. well, I'm somewhere in between. I sway, I waver, I lose direction. However, I'm not the type to ever let myself continue in the wrong direction, if it were to happen (because sometimes things get out of our control without our discretion), I'd be sure to pull myself back. My grandfather instilled in me a very strong set of morals that I am set on living by for the rest of my life, but I'm still a human being that makes mistakes, that feels anger, pain, and sorrow for those mistakes, that moves on from mistakes a new, more understanding, wiser person.

So, as most of you may have noticed. Recently, I don't really post a blog unless.. something amuses me, or something bothers me. Unfortunately, Today is a type of " darn it. this is kinda biting at my ass, no matter how i try to ignore it."

Once again, I've somehow distanced myself from my friends.. this time not so much that I don't hang out enough with them ( though I really don't). But, that fact isn't the main problem. The main problem is that I feel as though I've lost people I can count on. Sometimes i feel unappreciated when I do something for someone, and the second after that something is accomplished, that someone ceases to talk to me. It makes me wonder if I'm something of a tool to them, instead of a human being? What happened to the push and pull between a relationship? Then, there are those that really don't seem like they care for my passion, love, or disappointment. I mean, I'm not saying that my friends should watch my every move like a stalker, petition for a TIFFANY day, and crown me the ultimate center of attention. No NOT THAT AT ALL. What i'm saying is.. it would be nice.. if that one person, that one person that with whom I supposedly have the best relationship, it'd be nice if that person supported me once. I'm not trying to imply that... I was there at every time that person needed support, because sometimes I fuck up too, but .. what I'm asking for is... 1 sign of effort. It doesn't have to be huge, and i hope it doesn't have to be forced. It just hurts to see this person tell me that " sorry I have no time" and to seem them spend 2 hours lounging during which this person isn't supposed to have time.... It hurts to the point.. where I wonder if this person realizes.. that I exist. I'm not just someone to turn to when there is something wrong.. I'm a human being that sometimes needs someone to turn to, too.

Since when did my friendships resemble one way streets? Since when did things start to go out of control? Is college really that big of an influence on our characters, that after one year, everything is different? Can situations change people from the inside out?

I'm scared that my friends have changed towards one direction, and I was supposed to change with them... but like some sort of a growth impediment... my conscience steered me somewhere else.

In the midst of this, I find myself thankful for him. He makes me feel loved, cared for, important. He is there for me whenever I've fallen, and he's there for me whenever I've flown. He makes me feel safe.. he's my anchor and my prince charming.

Anyway, this post is in no intention an insult or complaint. It is just a flow of my thoughts as I try to get ready for the rest of the day. I'm a bad blogger, I am. ): Hopefully, there are those of you, or just singularly you out there who still enjoys my writing and finds contingence with it.

(: "Connexion de l'homme dépend de l'appréciation."

quelque fois. at least.

what happens happens

Sometimes it scares me to realize how much I’ve changed, both for the better and for the worse. I’ve become so much more apathetic, so much more unforgiving when it comes to the matters of friendship. For some reason - after years of my father scolding me for always living not for myself, but for my friends- recently, this notion struck into my head and manifested. Unconsciously I’ve been surrounding myself with people I value, that also value me, while at the same time, I’ve been avoiding those who don’t give back to me what I give to them. I’m not sure that’s such a good thing. It seems that I’ve become colder, more introverted, and yet, the power to be able to choose whom i associate myself with is … well, inviting. In one year, I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve done so much wrong. I don’t regret anything, because i promised myself at a young age that I should never regret, only learn and move on. It’s just that, at times I look back at the past year, and I want to smack myself upside the head and say ” why the hell did you do that?” Honestly, I have no clue at the time. I guess the overwhelming transition of college got to me, and I lost control at times. I suddenly feel older.. not just age-wise, but experience-wise. So much older.

The Only Child Dilemma

There have been many studies on the effect birth order has on a child's personality, and one particular area that perplexes the population is the vicinity that deals with an only child. An only child is not born technically first, or last.. or middle.. because it is one single person, with no other person to establish a chronological order. So, what are the effects of being assumed to be a spoiled brat on personality?( Excuse the fancy schmancy flowery filler language used above, it is only for aesthetic purposes. )
Only children lack siblings, so they usually end up having problems in socializing with others near their age. Also, they are prone to develop an inner/outer type personality. a.k.a. the hybrid mixture of intro&extrovert, which means that the only child sometimes is OMG I LOVE PPL, and sometimes the only child is GET AWAY I WANT TO BE ALONNNNEEE.
now THAT is one trait i definitely agree with. Being an only child, I am the epitome of intro/extro hybrid.. at times, i'm all about hanging out with the friends, going out, meeting new people, socializing like crazy, but like a switch of the light, in 1 quick second i can switch to " okay alone time." I've always thought that was a weird trait in my personality, that sometimes i just really like being by myself, doing something quiet, either working out, or studying, or doing some arts and crafts, or even recording covers ( although that's not exactly quiet). But hey.. you know what? Lots of people need to be alone sometimes... As much as humans love interaction with other people, the beautiful push and pull created by relationship, sometimes we just need a little off time to sort things out with ourselves. It's that age-old theme of man vs. self. In order to do our best to prevent a huge conflict between man vs. self, we all just need some portion of our week, or month, or i don't know year, if u don't need that much time to urself, to figure out what our inner self is saying to us. So i hope people understand why at times i'm quiet, and I just want to be quiet. IT's not often, and i'm not in a bad mood, and i still love everybody, it's just intro mode for a bit.
But that's the main topic i'm trying to cover here. One trait that the only child displays that really left an echo in my brain is.. the black and white sight. This doesn't mean that only children are more prone to color blindness or something, or their brains live in the 1920's (or whenever black and white was the rage). The Black and White trait means that only children are more likely to believe that things can either be.. well, black. or white. not.. gray. And it's true. Im very black and white in most of my beliefs. Especially in one particular area.

L'amour.

In matters of love and romance, i take on this super black/white ideal. I love hard, I hate hard (not really, i don't really hate hard, but i mean I fall out of love hard). When I love someone, I give them my heart and soul, I let down my walls, I give them all I can give. I throw my trust at them, I see nothing but them, I think about no one romantically but them. My world suddenly is concentrated on that one person. When I fall out of love, I put up that wall, I vacuum my trust, romanticism, love, all back within those walls. I'm not the kind to "kind of" love someone. I'm very either, u love, or u don't. I don't take maybes. Love is.. too concrete for me. not that it is a concrete.. subject, because well it isn't.. it's abstract. but what i mean is Love is.. monumental, and important, and very.. established. So u either have it, or u don't. period. I don't take gray area possibilities in the topic of love. But, sometimes I wonder if this black/white trait in my personality is what's screwing me over. I mean, not now, because i'm very happy right now. What i'm trying to say is.. maybe.. this.. black/white view of love is what's keeping me so quixotic all this time. Because I love extremely hard, pouring out every bit of romance i have contained within. I'm young now, quixotism is still allowed.. but when i'm older, and supposedly more mature, more experienced with life, would it still be wise to be so lovedrunk? Probably not. I often catching myself thinking about this aspect of the future, and I know i've said before, that I should just concentrate on the present, because it's already a handful. and yet, when i get time to relax (seldom) I can feel my mind wandering about the future, because.. well, I want a future with him. feel no pressure though, i won't mind if it doesn't turn out that way. well i will mind. but. i mean, not .. forever and with a deathly grudge.

hm... but for now, i'll just. revel in my lovesick happiness and not worry myself with proponents of the future. but it was very cool to learn that the black and white trait is actually associated with the fact that im an only child. seems these days there's a scientific explanation for everything. not sure that's good, but. that's.. the world we live in.

now, an anticlimactic switch haha.

To all those high school seniors, who are becoming 1st years in college. I am going to inform you of the wonderful world of " OPTIONS" in college.

Today, I will cover the option of. HOMEWORK.

If there is one thing, that gets on my nerves about what comes with college, this has to be at the top of my list (short list, because well college really doesn't get on my nerves).

so, in college, ur professors are not.. the nice trainers that you have in your local gym that tell you " YOU DO THIS. YOU GET FIT. WSUP, WHATS GOOD"

no.

they are the passive aggressive mean girls in your high school that tell you " kay, so like.. u don't have to do this stupid dare. but if you do.. like. omg, that's like. totally cool. but i'm like so not forcing you. yeah!"

what i mean is. they do this thing, where they make homework sound.. like.. it's. just a daily tiny choice. like, either using the anti-cavity toothpaste... or the whitening toothpaste. It's not.. really like that though.

You're going to walk into lecture ( that is if you choose to go, that's another option i will talk about next time), and by the end, they will tell you: " I have posted an assignment that is completely optional. Do it if you wish."

and you're thinking, do it if i wish? wuh? oh psh, that probably means it's trivial. ha, i don't need to do it. that's so nice of my professor! he/she gave me the option.

no.

NO.

that. is the WRRRONNNNGGG choice.

see this OPTIONAL homework.. is like. the hidden steps toward heaven. u miss these steps, ur on a first class ticket to bad grades land. ( unless ur one of those people that dont need to study and end up with straight A's. and if so, oh my god i bow down to you please give me a portion of ur brain).

this homework, basically is. " yeah you dont HAVE to do it. but if you want a decent grade, you better start on it and u better pwn it."

sigh.

good stuff huh

but. i'm not saying that professors are doing this on purpose to torture you or something. nah, they're.. actually very nice people. And though they don't really care if you succeed or fail, they usually want their class average to look at least a little bit appealing, so they don't get a total " I HATE THIS PROF" on ratemyprof. Professors are caring, and they give you the option of this homework because this homework will help you to succeed. ( unless it's ur english homework, well then that's not optional. u either do it, or u well, aren't really.. taking the tests, and thats what ur grade is mainly based on). So if you get an optional homework assignment, go home. thank your prof silently in ur heart, and actually do the homework. or try. i know it's optional, but it's assigned for a reason.

that's all for now .

comment, discuss

yeah, all that stuff haha