DONE

shiet.

today was the last day of high school!

haha.

it still hasn't hit me yet. that this is the starting step towards our new, bright futures. This is the closing of a beautiful chapter in our lives, and the beginning of an even better chapter. (:

OKAY, so this blog is most definitely dedicated to this wonderful friend of mine whom i love. 

Monica, the moment i read your note, oh boy, tears stream down. You have no idea how touched i was by your words. Girl, you can write. and damn, you really know how to get to me.

So here goes.

monica. i probably have not told you just how much i love you. i really love you.

i still remember the first time i met you. freshman year. pe. 6th period. honestly, i was so scared when i first met you, not that you're intimidating or anything. i was just afraid that i would say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, or accidentally offend you, or intimidate you, or alienate you. I really wanted you to be one of my friends, and i knew from the moment we talked to each other that we would be friends for a long time. I mean come on, haha. we hit it off. And, from then on it was just an amazing friendship. True, we did not have classes with each other, and we barely had time to socialize with each other. However, we maintained our friendship and we kept going. Monica. you are so amazing. Sometimes i wish i had your great personality, and that awe-inspiring creative writing skill you got there. I mean, dang, what a talent. You are going to be the author of one of those books on the New York Times Bestsellers. I mean I would not be surprised if you won the pulitzer, or the P.E.A.R.L. (if you're into romance), or NOBEL, or POWELL. goodness. haha. Honestly, you are such a great person, that i'm so glad i got to know you these 4 years. 4 great years. Monica. I don't know what i'd be if i had not met you. You taught me so much. Not just about.. life, and relationships, friendships, and.. struggles. you taught me about myself. You helped me mature. I would be a totally different person if i had never met you, different in a bad way, i mean. Somehow, i would always look to you whenever i was going through hard times, and just.. pull through. Hopefully that makes sense to you. You contributed to who i am today, and i am so grateful for that. Thank you. 

Now, Monica. I hope you know that i am always here for you. No matter what, even if we're.. more than 3000 miles away from each other. Even if i'm on the opposite of the world (even though i'm just a little far from so cal), I am there for you. Just like i know that you have been there for me. Thank you for giving me your friendship. And heck yes, we are going to stay friends for the longest time. There is no way in heaven, earth, hell, that i would ever forget you. So, let's both work towards our futures. and GLOAT (haha) to each other when we have achieved what we want. (:

I. Love. YOU!

Due Process

As in, the substantive due process rights granted within the 14th amendment of the United States Constitution. So, if this amendment exists, and it has been used before to guarantee rights of marriage, how in hell did prop 8 not get repealed? Instead, the California State Court has upheld its initial decision in disallowing same-sex marriages. Last time i checked, homosexuals are people, citizens to be exact. You see the existence of the letters "homo-" indicate the genus of HUMAN. In fact, it is the latin term for human. So, if these homosexuals are human, why do they not get the same rights as heterosexuals? injustice, indeed...

Of course, the other side of the argument would be that if same-sex marriages were allowed, it will take away certain rights of the church. Oh, and then there's the argument that if such marriage were allowed, soon enough, we would evolve to accept polygamy.. and who knows what else? Let's not get carried away. We're still talking about single partner here; therefore, there's no reason why we need to drag in the multiple partner argument. 

Living in typically liberal California, i wonder why prop 8 was passed. :/

All right, now onto a more casual topic. 

I think i am screwed for finals... haha. God, help me out here.

I'm not sure if you guys know what I'm talking about, but have you ever felt when you're so antsy, that there seem to be jumping beans perpetually splattering around in your stomach, liver, and spleen, waiting to move at the pace your body is supposed to, and yet, your body is forced to stay in one chair for an hour? I've been having that the whole day today. The end of high school is so close, and yet so far. I guess what i've been feeling is what one would feel when they are captured by peers, by parental force, and they are waiting for that one moment of release, where they become individuals...

Reading Brave New World, has me thinking some interesting things.

What if you were stuck in a world where everybody was programmed to be like robots, and you were the only one with individualistic thought. Would you speak up to say something, or would you eventually succumb to the pressure given by society? Seems scary, doesn't it? Being the only one with a different point of view in a world where everybody dressed the same, spoke the same, thought the same... LIVED the same. Of course, died the same. And you, you're the only one that does not want that plastic cookie cutter mold of a life. You want divine right. You want humanism. You want personality and unique characteristics. What can you do? If you rebel, those "robots" who are supposedly humans will destroy you. If you don't speak up, you will feel like being eaten from the inside out, because you will not feel like a human. You'd be a man-made piece of plastic with synthetic skin and a force-educated mind.. Speaking up. what courage.

okay.

now for this portion, i may get a little personal

so, cut me some slack, i'm pretty bothered about some things.

I am really bothered by the skill of "assumption". Not to be hypocritical, because i do it too. But, this... so called skill.. is cumbersome, and it adds just so much more negativity or misunderstanding to any situation... Sometimes, assuming turns out to be deductive reasoning. Sometimes, it's way off, and turns ugly. Why do we all assume... is it because we'd rather assume the worst, so whatever turns out to be the result is illuminated in positivity? Maybe. Twisted, but.. very idealistic. How about we just live life as it is.. by fact. and only by fact. Sure, our lives may be a little boring, but.. let's just try it for a week. Well, at least i'll try it.

haha

until later, mes amis importants, 

"Supposez le meilleur dans les gens, parce qu'alors, vous trouverez le meilleur dans vous aussi."

guess who's back?

well it's no one special, or slim shady. as you all can see, after 6 days of not posting... (drum roll optional)

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKK!

Hopefully i am still of interest to my readers ( if they are at all existent). So, here goes. 

First off, a note to a person i care very much about. 

Do not worry, she'll come back. I know it. I'll pray for her, i'll pray for you. There are many people out there looking for her, for you. Rest assured. (:

Today, while i was walking along in my neighborhood, i suddenly was surprised by the sight of multiple gigantic black cars lined up covering the span of 2 whole blocks. i was basically standing there, in awe, thinking " what the F#&% is this...?" Then, i realized, it was a GRAD Party for a kid who is going to Cal State Fullerton. Not to be materialistic, unappreciative, and shallow, but hey.. where's my party? Referring to my parental units, " HI, I'M GRADUATING. TRY TO SHOW THAT YOU WILL MISS ME."

anyways, i think i'm changed for life. And, please do not ask what i am indicating. 

Now that there are only 4 days of school left, it seems that it is time to think back on my high school time span ( i mean. mostly because 4 years is pretty parallel to 4 days. yes?). I often wonder if i have left a mark in WHS. What i am implying is that, will people remember me? Did i do anything for the benefit of WHS? Did i contribute my part in high school? Man, i really hope i did. In these last few days, i want to end my 4 crucial years with a bang. I mean, i do not want to give up at the end. I want to ace all of my finals, and leave feeling content with what i have achieved. I'm praying that will be possible. 

Next, onto the topic of college... ugh. I sometimes ask myself if i'm doing the right thing, by going to a college mainly because my father wants it to be so. I know i will regret not taking the 54K offer from the college i've wanted to go to for so long. Every time i think about it, i can feel my stomach sink a little, signifying a " tiffany cheng, you are such a stupid ass. live your own life. not your father's." Although i am transferring to the school i want to go to in 2 years, i still think sometimes that i am digging a big black hole for myself. What are the chances of me getting good enough grades to transfer while i am studying in... berkeley. Am i going to have to slave and not sleep anymore in order to get to the goal i want... when i already have it so close at hand? Am i messing up my own future? Damn, i hope not. I want to confirm that i am making the right decision for splitting my college to fulfill both my father and my dream. Two years for the college he wants, and 2 years for the college i want, and then. ONTO graduate school.

Wow, am i going to miss everybody. I remember in the beginning of the year, i told myself that i would probably not miss anybody and just get out of high school attachment free. WHAT A LIE. I swear, I am going to cry because i will miss people so much. Oh, which reminds me. Want to know what my favorite moment at grad is? You probably guessed it. The instantaneous second when all the seniors throw up their caps. I love that moment. Is very awe-inspiring and moving. A symbol of freedom, independence and regeneration. I'm excited to be one of the people throwing those caps, I wonder what it will feel like within the symbol, instead of a bystander watching the real life symbol form. 

I want to go hiking again. I still remember the first time I went hiking, in Catalina, i think. It was pretty intense. It was raining, and so the hills were slippery, the path was intangible, and everything was enveloped in a mystifying fog. Quite beautiful, but quite hard to hike. We took longer than usual, and the whole time, everybody kept complaining about the length of the activity, and the hard-to-breathe surroundings. That moment when we got to the top of the hills, nobody uttered another word. From the tip-top of Cherry Cove, the rain stopped, the fog cleared, and the ocean was clear as ever. Even from such a great height, we could see the garibaldi swimming in the water. Spots of golden orange in waves of clear and turquoise blue. The result was definitely worth the struggle, and i thought at that moment, "wow, isn't that just the same as what we go through in life?" We are bound to face obstacles that make us want to give up and surrender. We are meant to keep going, however. Pass the obstacles and pain to find joy and happiness and fulfillment. That, is one of the most important things to keep at heart in life. In english class, Mrs. Arias showed us a video that i will never forget named " The Last Lecture." It was  a lecture written by a college professor diagnosed with incurable cancer. This "Last Lecture" is meant for 1 professor each year to give a lecture as if it is his/her last. Well, in 2007, when Randy Pausch gave this speech, it was literally his last lecture, seeing that in six months, he would be gone. There's one quote in that lecture that i admire, and want to live by.

" Brick walls are just to separate the people who want their dreams, and those that do not. They are to keep you going, and keep others out." Very true. If you want a goal, you have to work for it. If it's something you want, it is worth all the toil and trouble in the world. So what's a couple of brick walls? We can jump over them or break through them. Life is about pushing through. 

When i was 4, that winter of Shen Yang, China was one of the coldest winters recorded. I caught a fever so high, that doctors warned my parents that there is a chance that i would lose my hearing. My ears were the first to burn up. At the temperature i was carrying, my ears were supposed to overheat and malfunction. I think this is one of the miracles i have faced in my life. Somehow, after days of wandering through consciousness and unconsciousness, i fought through the fever. To my family's surprise, instead of losing my hearing, i gained ultra sensitive hearing instead. Strange. A slew of gratitude to God. 

Anyways, I really don't want a shot. Any shot that i can escape, i will escape. I HATE. Shots. Every time i receive a shot, it reminds me of those days of going to the hospital every other day to get treatment. Or of that one time when the intern nurse screwed up, and i ended up having a broken vein spewing blood endlessly. ugh. grossssss. No matter how old i am, i will cry when i get a shot. 

Alas, this blog shall be ended before i dominate the whole website with this one entry.

Writing again soon,

au revoir, mes amis importants

"Quelqu'un peut accomplir un rêve s'ils essaient."

relationships.

Why do we have relationships, friendships? Why do we have emotions.. can't you help but wonder that?

Why do we? Why must we have negative emotions, instead of just retaining the beauty of positive emotion...sadness, anger and frustration drive us to realize the beauty of joy, love and wonder. There is no good without evil, no light without darkness, no heaven without hell. Balance is the one thing that keeps this world turning. 

From a long time ago, I taught myself to not cry in front of my mom. God, that woman never shuts up whenever she finds something to be mad about. I mean basically, if i accidentally break a plate at 9:00 A.M. in the morning, she will keep blabbering about it till 9:00 A.M. the next day. Throughout this period of complaint, she will bring up some of the worst things, some of the most harmful words, that will make you want to claw yourself inside out. 

1. " why won't you die. go die. kill yourself. just die"

2. " how the hell did i raise a kid like you? did i sin in the last life?"

3. " all you know how to do is put makeup on you, or other people. it's not like you'll get any prettier. you're still ugly and fat."

4. " what are you even worth? you're not even smart enough to get into UCLA. is your brain made out of air?"

5. " I can't wait when you get the hell out of here. you annoy me so much that i never want to come home"

6. " why are you even alive? you're useless."

7. " you call that singing? it'll be a fucking miracle if you ever make a career out of that. you can't sing"

8. " your boyfriend is the best you can get? he's just as useless as you are. don't see him anymore. "

Trust me, mom. I have wanted to get out of your house for a while now. Don't worry. I'll be gone soon. 

Basically, my mom is not able to come to my graduation. As sad as that makes me ( and i'm not being sarcastic. i want my mom there for my graduation, especially since she has never been to any one of my events), it makes me more sad to hear her say: " you planned for this, didn't you. you did this on purpose. your intention was for me not to go to your graduation!" 

Right. because. i would want for my mom, the woman who gave me life, to not attend one of the most important days of my life. RIGHT. (now, i'm being sarcastic).

As if i'm not bummed enough by the fact that my own mother is not attending my graduation, she's mad at me that she's not going to my graduation. when i asked her what she wants me to do after apologizing consistently, she answered " just sit there and shut the fuck up. what? you think you don't deserve to be yelled at? sit there and think about what you've done."

I'm worried about him. Whether if he's getting enough rest, if he has enough time, if he's stressing himself out, if he's eating regularly, if he still has time to have fun, if he's happy, if he's healthy, if he's okay.

Life is so ironically interesting. I mean some things are so coincidental, that you can't help but to pause and ponder. May 18th.

1. My dad's birthday

2. Emiri's mom R.I.P.

3. My little baby cousin's birth date. 5.18.09

A death, an anniversary, a birth. haha. coincidental and ironic, yeah?

I can't wait to meet my baby cousin. Of course, it's expected of my grandfather to come up with some super meaningful name for him. 程达. The second word, being the American version of the "first name"

This name is a blessing for my cousin to always be able to reach his goal. The second word means to reach a destination. 

and of course, mine is carpe diem.

I think i may be tired as fuck. 

tired of trying, tired of waiting, tired of pleasing.

take care of yourselves. 

i'm going to rest a little, and be an introvert for a period of time.

then the extrovert will return when she's ready.

find a close friend for me.

sorry. 

la fin.

PARTY!

Ah, i remembered as to what my light topic was going to be.

haha

Lately, I've been feeling so like.. chillaxed, and stoked. I want to PARTY. and go crazy! haha. I want to go rave, go to a club, go to a kickback, go to a bonfire at the beach, go to disneyland, go to grad night, go to "secret trip...".

Btw.

The secret trip

is SAN DIEGO FOR A WEEK. san diego A.K.A. UCLA

if you know what i mean

haha.

i really want to just have fun. I feel like out of these 4 years, this is the only time i get to have fun, so might as well go all out.

I'm ready for summer

to go play BADMINTON!

to go.. BOXING w/ rosa (:

to go play football with rosa and rena. ( and yes, i really will tackle. i'm a ruthless football player. HAHA)

to go to DISNEYLAND!

to go RAVING. EDC! (: I even have the black tutu prepared, and we shall make candy bracelets!

yeah. okay.

this is pretty much a worthless blog.

just wanted to say that...............

it's weird that these four years are over.

I mean, it didn't seem like four years ago. I mean, it's strange that just 4 years ago, i was a little freshman dreading the 4 years to come. And now, it's.. all coming to an end.

9 days left, and we're all gone. I think it would be weird to not be able to go to the village anymore. Or.. not being able to walk (well.. run) to school every morning. Not being able to go to choir everyday, and meet people who love singing. Not being able to play badminton at the teen center. Not being able to just.. do the high school stuff. haha.

I think i'll miss it.

Two weeks ago, i would've said there's nothing to miss.

But. let's face it. I'm going to cry when i go. or will i? I always surprise myself.

Sometimes, i end up so happy, that all i do is run around finding people to hug.

Sometimes, i end up so sentimental, that i bawl like crazy, and i get tear-infested makeup on a crap load of people.

We'll see..

This was a memorable experience..

all the joy, pain, memories, DRAMA. love. happiness. friendships. relationships. all-nighters. 20 min. nighters. struggles. sentimentalities. 

damn, we're being replaced by the 2013 kids 

haha.

'09 we so fine.

(please do refrain from saying '09 suck mine.)

命

Since i was a little kid, i would remember my grandfather imprinting in my head the ideals of optimism. He never wanted me to look at the negativity of life, for... if i only focused on negativity, then i myself would succumb to the pessimistic dangers of the world. Yet, sometimes i can't help but return to the depression that i've had in my hard times. It's strange. Sometimes, the world just seems to be not as bright and beautiful as it had been in my childhood. What happened to the world that is technically my playground? Obviously, it is still there.. hidden in my grave thoughts. I just got to remind myself to keep an open mind, and move on.

Honestly, I am so scared of life. Most people are afraid of death, but... isn't life much more fear instilling?

Think about it.. our one move can change the future... our one thought of the past can keep us locked. I have no clue what i'm doing in my life. I don't even know if i am doing things i want to do. But then, i'm only 17.. haha how the heck would i know what i'm meant for? I'm not psychic.

I grasp every opportunity thrown at me, because I'm so afraid of accidentally missing that moment.

You know, the.. life-determining moment that people have. when they come upon something, and suddenly they realize " shiet, this is what i want to do for the rest of my life. this is me. "

I think i live a very fulfilling life. I mean, i do anything that catches any part of my interest. Even if it is just a little portion of my interest... 

Yet, there are days that I sit down on my bed, and I contemplate about my day, and tears just roll down my face. I have no clue why. Maybe i just need an outlet, or maybe, i'm....... unhappy. 

I hope i'm not unhappy. 

Anyways, a lighter topic now (:

I finished watching boys before flowers!

haha

what a cheesy ending! and i'm not going to spill the ending, just in case somebody is watching the series.

I gotta say though, it's the best version of hana yori dango. 

oy vey, i think i ran out of creative juice

usually when i blog, i just start rambling like a mad woman .

but today, i guess i'm really tired.

which makes sense.

so i'm going to end it here. 

(:

thetendertouch

Alas, the second song that I am singing with Orchestra is named "The Tender Touch." It is a song that was never released for popular use. Instead, it is a part of the private Nelson Riddle library, and it was especially written for a girl named Sandy, yet.. none of us know who this Sandy girl is, but damn is she lucky to have this song written for her. God knows how Dr. Clements found it, but I am so grateful that he did. This song contains some of the most beautiful lyrics I have ever heard in my life. The detail, the diction (effects of english 4 Ap. cut me some slack). absolutely amazing. Paints pictures in your mind that are hard for you to forget. So here goes.

"The Tender Touch"

What makes the rosebud tingle to the kiss of the bee,

what makes a lover mingle all his thoughts with ecstasy,

what makes a kiss like yours reveal the world to me,

the tender touch. 

What starts the night birds sighing to the glow of a star,

what makes him think that heaven's really not very far,

why does my heart start flying to the place where you are?

The tender touch. 

I know now why the gentle things are the simple sentimental things,

and why every touch of you thrills me sweetly, through and through. 

What makes a moonbeam glisten in that someone's misty eye?

What makes that someone listen to her every gentle sigh?

What makes our hearts whisper of a love that never dies?

The tender touch.

Hopefully, you all enjoy these enticing lyrics as i do.

(:

"seulement l'amour"