twist

As some of you know, I have recently received the honor of performing along with the walnut orchestra and jazz band. I'm singing a song each with the groups. I gotta say, I absolutely love the songs that I am singing. Not because the melodies makes me love music more ( although it does not fail to do so), not because the rhythm makes my heart beat stronger ( it does not fail to do this also), but because.. the words, the lyrics of the songs are beautiful. They are so poetic, that.. i have to share haha.

So the song that i'm singing with the jazz band, is called "All the things you are"

To some people's surprise, this is actually the first song i have ever sung as a solo. I mean, after 5 years of knowing this song, I have never truly looked into the lyrics. Well, until one of my good friends took notice of the sentimentality hidden within the lyrics.

SO, onwards with sharing (:

"All the things you are"

You are the promised kiss of spring time, 

that makes the lonely winter seem long. 

You are the breathless hush of evening,

that trembles on the brink of a lovely song.

You are the angel glow, 

that lights a star.

The dearest things I know, 

are what you are.

Someday, my happy arms will hold you,

and some day, I'll know that moment divine.

When all the things you are,

are mine.

Hopefully, you all think the lyrics are beautiful too. 

Anyways, about the title. twist. twist, twist.. what a twist of fate. haha. laughable, bittersweet, but such a twist. As you all know, I did not get what I want for the college I wanted, but.. somehow i ended up being accepted into their co-host (w/john hopkins & yale) summer medical program. a group of students out of many.. chosen to get a closer look at medical science.

such a bittersweet twist of fate, and yet, i'm grateful as ever. although, i'm pretty much grateful for a lot of things.

as much as i hate berkeley, the day that i found out that i was accepted, i ran around the house smiling. lame. i know. haha. 

anyways, another thing that i wanted to talk about in this blog.

i disagree. and. hopefully this won't spark another fight. but i fervently disagree.

humans can not survive without love, nor can we survive without emotion. I agree with the fact that these weaknesses/strengths that we are born with make us distinguished as the human race, but i really do not think that humans can honestly survive without love. Like plants need water and sunlight, humans need love. Love keeps us going, love reminds us of why we are alive, love tells us where to go, love guides our instinct, love wants us to strive, love gives us pain, love gives us joy, love is who we are. 

Oh, and another thing. I am extremely intimidated by those that live life as if they are trying to redeem their sins -- every single moment of their day. I honestly do not regard that as... well, living, it's more like, begging. Begging for a chance to live.

I do not know how someone can live with that kind of stress, pressure, and foreboding doom.

It's as if if we don't try to  clean our name everyday, we will end up being dragged by the demons of hell to the underground, where they will stab a 2-in wide needle in us for every sin we apparently committed. It's like living with the old way of justice " guilty, until proven innocent".. Uh no thanks, I'll go with the more modern interpretation. Innocent, until proven guilty. Why, we are all born as individuals, each individual with a clean slate. Therefore, why must we assume that we are born.. dirty, and we have to beg to shed a speck of dirt each second. That isn't living. That's... well, in my opinion.. self-inflicted hell.

Oh and another thing. I don't know if this is a very.. valid topic, but a while ago, someone asked me, if i were to categorize myself as more of an angel, or more of a demon, what would i choose  ( in this case, the choice of human does not exist, it's either angel or demon). I honestly think I a more of a demon than an angel. Why? Well.. I'm definitely not a pure-minded person (not.. in the sexual sense, although that pretty much dedicates my mind as filthy). I mean, I have some of the most sadist thoughts that you can ever think of. sometimes, when I am mad.. I can think up of some pretty violent images... I mean.

i remember.. during those hard times, when i was having trouble with my mom. I would think of what a stress reliever it would be if i could just pick up my hand and.. aweoijflasdjfkl her.

which is absolutely horrible.

i'll never forgive myself for that either. Just thinking about it makes me think that I am terrible. Yeah, I honestly do not think I am that great of a person. Sometimes i wish i could find an excuse as to why i am who i am. It's weird. Sometimes, it is as if i am trained to manipulate. I automatically search for what makes a person weak, and my mind just acts in reflex, to sample ways to use those weaknesses. Although i never follow what my mind poses for me, It disgusts me to know that I have such a manipulative way of thinking. I guess that was developed from childhood. Oh, and the anger that i have. horrible anger. I have such a short temper, and once the fuse is lighted, i blow up. For a while, karate was my outlet. Then, it was piano. Now it's running. But lately, because of my weakness, I haven't really any outlet, which is terrible, because i end up taking it out on the people i care about... sorry. Sometimes, I wonder if God is ashamed of me, and maybe that's why bad things may happen. But, obviously, i know that bad things happen because it's just life, it has nothing to do with God. Yet, I swear, i bet i have a black aura.  No matter how many kind things i do, I still take on that black aura.. because i lose sight of optimism at times. Although, I'm not too discontent with it. I learn as i go. 

i don't know if what i said makes any sense..

but.. yeah

answer this for me.

What do you think you guys are

Angel.. or Demon?

If you only had to choose between these two, that is.

I know, totally black or white, no gray <-- which is a strategy i do not believe in. But, just for this one time, let's go with black or white.

"Les humains sont des mélanges d'ange et de démon"