what's wrong?
it's the 1st week after break. 1st week. I already feel like i'm spending all of my time trying to catch up with the curriculum. I'm pretty sure that isn't how high school is supposed to work. I remember last year, the seniors would say " oh yeah, first semester is still like junior year, except with college looming over head. But, second semester eases up."
I can't help but to think that is definitely not the case for me.
I thought first semester was so much more enjoyable...
I'm not going to complain about the "appeal" work, because that is for myself. I brought it upon myself. And to my surprise, i actually like working on my appeal. It seems like it teaches me so much about myself in the process. I'm such a tight bottle when it comes to revealing dark things. I'm so afraid of... wearing a melancholy facade. So, at least that's going well. Even though most people think my appeal isn't that.. well, appealing, or compelling, or sad enough.. or sensible. I'm just trying my best. About making it the best it can be, that's what editing is for. right?
I feel so conflicted whenever someone tells me, out of their kind and gracious hearts,
" Tiffany, you need to rest, and get some sleep. Health comes first. You can't keep going on everyday, sleeping less than 2 hours, and screwing yourself over. You're overworking yourself."
I mean... damn it, fuck, i know i'm overworking myself. I know that i put way more shit into my work than necessary. Why do i do it? For those that actually believe in me, or have faith in me. How can i let them down? I would not be able to live with that. Mrs. Arias, as hard as her class is, really honestly believes that i have something special in me that makes me a kinda good writer. For the first time in 9 years, a teacher thinks that i , well, have a future. She makes me want to do my best, and prove myself to her. So, how can i sleep when i can use that time to do my best, and make her proud? Therefore, thank you for thinking of me, and worrying about me, and telling me to take care of myself. Thank you, but i've been slaving for so long. How can i slack off now.
What else.. Oh yes, lately, i've realized, maybe.. i'm just plainly not good at singing... I mean, i've always loved singing, and i've always loved music. But hey, that is no reason for me to believe that i'm good at it. Honestly, i really don't think i am anything great... I know when i'm horrible. These days, whenever i open my mouth to sing, i think it sounds terrible. Maybe i'm sliding, maybe i just need to work hard on it, and hopefully i'll get better. OR, maybe i was just not meant for singing. It could be true. But, then... what am i meant for? Not to ... go off on a broad and vague philosophical subject, but honestly, what am i supposed to with my life? I don't know what i love anymore. I like pathology. It's extremely mind-boggling and interesting. However, is it something worth striving for? I like English. fuck yes, you heard me right. I like english. No matter how hard it is, i think english is.. pretty much amazing. I'm so awe-stricken by those poets and writers who can take something that seems to be nothing, and make it extremely significant, that 50 years after we analyze it/read it, we still remember that certain piece of work... It's amazing how someone can paint not just a picture, but a world out of words, or how a person can add something as simple as a dash, and have it be the star of a whole poem. Yeah, okay, as much as i don't want to admit it, i'm pretty much obsessed with english. To analyze is a privilege. But, is English worth studying? Am I going to keep liking it? I... don't know. I like writing also. It's crazy. Those essays in class, I love the feeling of just.. sitting down, taking a pen. Breathing, preparing, prepping. Start. scribble like crazy. I like being able to just write down exactly what i'm thinking, and not stopping for anything. When i'm writing those essays, i'm in my own world of plain thought. That's a nice place to be. I like performing.. oh yes, performing. performing is amazing. It's the first thing that i've ever felt comfortable doing. When that stage light hits you, you just... become a different person.. You're not just a regular-day girl anymore. You can be anyone you want, either a stupid bitch, an emotionless psychopath, a captain with seven children's fiancee, anything. God, i love that. I still remember the first time i felt like i belonged on stage. I became that character i was trying to portray. Maybe it was only for a minute, for a second. It felt amazing. What a rush of adrenaline. But, am i meant for it?
who knows...
Damn right, i am afraid of the unknown. But who isn't? If you say you aren't, i would think you're lying. Well, unless you prove it. I have an open-mind.
I try to get over it, but i still can't help being bothered by the fact that, the one school i feel like i belong at, is the one school that doesn't have a place for me.. at least, not yet. I hope that yet comes true.
So, yes, i'm very conflicted these days. Sometimes, i wish i knew everything. But hey, if i were omniscient, then.. there wouldn't really be any surprises in my life, would there?
i like surprises. PLEASANT surprises.
"Où allons-nous? Seul le temps nous le dira. "
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