epiphany

i realized today,

that i was never, and therefore never could be

what you rendered most important in your life.

that hurt me.

but pain reminds me we're all alive,

and we move on.

and i've made one of the stupidest mistakes ever.

stress makes me push so many people away.

maybe this month will help me realize what i want in my life.

away from school's stress

time away, time to think.

unexpected hiatus.

well, that's not true. I expected this hiatus. haha. Sorry. Papers + Midterms + Finals = one gigantic ball of " no time to do anything." ):

So, I'm taking a break from studying my last final, and typing out some thoughts. Lately, I've felt like all the friends I made from high school, aren't really friends if I really contemplated about them. Rather, they are 90% acquaintances, people that I don't really have any attachment to. As harsh as that may sound, I think other people in college can certainly agree. But, as I've said before, College does two things to relationships. It either pulls you closer, or drives you apart. Either one is not something you can choose; it's just... spontaneously inevitable.

What I want to talk about is.. the human need for power, or control, over the events, or people in their lives. I'm not saying that human beings are natural manipulation addicts. Why, that's quite extremist on the human trait gradation spectrum. No, we are not manipulation addicts. We just all want some way to be able to have discretion, a choice, a hovering hand over what happens in our lives. When we lose that string that holds the marionette puppet that symbolizes our lives, we get scared. I mean, who wouldn't be? If that were to happen, it would be like you are on this roller coaster, screaming while the shuttle cars zoom up and down, or snake slowly while you anticipate a thrilling, yet suspending downfall. <-- all that, being in the hands of someone else. Literally, an operator. Figuratively, someone in your life, for everyone in our lives affects who we are.

I have trouble losing power, or relinquishing control, but I realize that's what you sometimes have to do in order to establish a relationship (any type). Which is invariably true. As a human, we are first born with full control and power over our lives, and establish who we are. As we form relationships in our lives, each time we do, we relinquish some of the power we have, as the other must do, to form an equilibrium in a bond (god, this sounds so much like chemistry..). That equilibrium establishes trust, caring, love, which makes sense.... because when that bond is broken, or damaged, both of the people who relinquished the power feels the damage, unless someone took what they relinquished back into their own hands, but I'm sure no one in this world is apathetic enough to actually do that.

It may be that I'm neurotic, obsessive compulsive, manipulative, or just plain megalomaniac, but...I'm scared of losing power. and.. when things start proceeding in ways that I do not expect, it stresses me out. People say that.. sometimes it's fun to just leap without looking. I lack the braveness of people who can actually do so. I know. I'm pusillanimous. The best example there is. And yet, try to see it from my standpoint. In the past, I've been hurt because I relinquished power. So you see, don't you expect it hard for me to relinquish it again?

But However, I am sorry. I want to be able to. Just give me some personal space, and some time alone with my own thoughts to figure myself out. Eventually, I will be able to again.

What Knowledge?

Honestly, what the hell? haha. Sometimes I'm not sure if.. I actually know things, or if I'm just randomly guessing at things and somehow having enough luck to get them right.

age and metamorphosis.

Gahhhh... sorrry.. I really fail at updating this thing. I promised myself I would update this blog very often, and It probably does me more good to update it than harm, and yet, I still can't find time. My fault. Absolutely my fault. I mean the whole existence of this blog is to let me free all the things that I want to say, that I've kept locked up inside me. I have got to stop being a hypocrite, and get put my fingers and brain to work! haha, I hope I keep that motivation, and will update this thing more often.

Now, about the main topics I wanted to discuss in this blog.

AGE! I don't mean the actual, literal, representation of Age, as in you know, wrinkles, age spots, white hair, or... lack of hair, baby teeth, footie pajamas.... haha. No. What I'm referring to is internal age.. And I don't mean my organs or something, I mean... gosh what do I mean. haha. I should've figured that out first before I decided to ramble aimlessly. All you college freshmen out there, This is pertained to you. Do any of you feel this kind of weird, paradoxical, oxymoronic aging in you? I mean. damn we're so young, aren't we? There are so many things we know not of, and we can just bump blindly in order to make some sense of things. However, we DO know so much.. I've only been in college 3 months ( a short amount of time considering that I may be in college till the time I'm 30 GO GRAD SCHOOL!), and yet... I feel like I've gained so much knowledge from the time I was still a graduated senior from high school. It seems like I really shouldn't learned much, if I learned anything, during this short amount of time; yet I feel like I have so much more knowledge to offer. Oh, so strange.. High school kids seem so much younger now. I probably do not know much more than they do.. and yet, I have so much to give to them. Cornucopia of experiences. I finally got the old mature boot kick of " I finally realize I'm 18." For sooth, I'm an adult now, and have been for the past 2 months (almost, at least).

Metamorphosis.. College is such an amazing godsend in life. So amazing. It's like a sandpaper wrapped around a certain area of the cord of life, that erodes the greasy black façade we've all been hiding under for the past few years. It's crazy. College exposes you to reality. Everybody isn't who they seemed, or seems to be. Lots of us probably think, dang, I don't think I'll be changed by college. I mean, I know who I am, and I will be able to control the happenings of this whole process. For the few population for which that statement is true, dang. congratulations, I'm glad you know yourself so well. For the rest of us, Change is basically inevitable. I mean, I ADMIT IT. I've changed. College has definitely had an effect on me, even though I haven't been here for a while. The metamorphosis isn't exactly in the sense of what I talked about in my past paragraph, although it is a part of the transformation. There's more. I mean, you just basically totally change, either into someone you've always wanted to be, into someone you'd never thought you'd be, into someone who is you, with subtle either positive or negative traits added. I am definitely not the same person I was back in high school, haha. A perfect example of how people change is the loss of contacts, or gain of contacts that college brings you. Some of your closest friends, will gradually stop talking to you, or just abruptly stop trying to stay in contact with you at all. Some of the strangers, or good friends that you have will suddenly become your best friends. Some of your enemies will become your good friends. Some of your close friends will become enemies. Of course, this is also inevitable. People grow apart, people grow closer. It's all a part of life. We are all individually on different paths, sometimes those paths cross, and you form a great relationship in the form of a rest stop.. but a rest stop is a rest stop, you move on. Sometimes those paths never cross again. Sometimes they end up crossing each other again. Sometimes, our paths are parallel with another's, and we never end up meeting, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes, out paths are converged together, and we end up tied to each other for the rest of our lives. College is just one of those things that puts you in a starting position to get this path really to start winding. I mean, in high school, though there were people we didn't meet, most of our paths had to cross each other at one point. College puts you physically and mentally in different places in your path, so this path separation thing is way more apparent. There's nothing you can do about it.

There's nothing any of us can do. It's not depressing, it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be cumbersome. It's just a part of life that all of us eventually have to go through. It may be hard to accept, and it may take a while to accept it, but we all will at some time. Gradually, we all realize that this phenomena is actually kind of interesting, maybe even considered wondrous. The way life ticks, it makes you pensive. And that's definitely not a bad thing. Thought = growth = YAY!

haha

alright, that's it for now. (:

La Croissance est nécessaire pour la vie, l'accepter et l'étreindre.

fantasy as fuel

Wow, She is so lucky. I mean, it seems somehow that she stumbled upon the one guy that makes her smile, all the time. Though she is burdened with copious school work that would with no doubt bury anybody else, he brings a light in her life that seems to drive all the negativity away. It's crazy. It is as if.. love is some type of antibiotic, in a live culture of pathogenic bacteria ready to wear you down. Love is the antidote that dissolves all troubles within 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second. I find myself today contemplating over this opinion of mine. It's not that I am jealous or.. envious, but more that I am happy.. for her, as a caring bystander. As I said, I feel that she is quite lucky, maybe it's different from her point of view, which is understandable, I do not know all the aspects of her relationship. Love is blind, and sometimes I wish it could blind me once more.

Inhibiting happiness

I bet you're all looking at the title of this blog going, what the hell is she talking about? Who'd want to ever do that, and who'd actually have the potential to accidentally or purposefully achieve that? For sooth. Who would ever want to destroy, deter, or quell the one thing that provides for all of us an innate reason to smile?

I realize it happens anyway. All of us are born with this weird outlook of life, that if anything seems to go wrong... it has to do with a part of us that caused a break in the perfect life we're supposed to have. Either that, or we blame someone else, but I'm sure most of us are more.. self-depricating than.. irresponsible. When it comes to happiness, we as human believe that it is in our own hands, so when that little delicate piece of emotion called happiness crumbles in the palm of our hands, we immediately think " what have I done?"

The strange thing is.. 90% of the time, all we did is try to mend a teeny tiny crack that may cause unhappiness, and in the process of mending it, we somehow notice that the crack becomes a crater, a black hole... either from our own futile doings, or.. it was just absolutely inevitable. We blame ourselves for it anyway, which isn't very logical.. Think about it.. Why would anyone want to take his/her own happiness away? Nobody wants that, as.. fundamental as it is, when something goes wrong, we somehow switch to the perspective of a person falling away from the grasps of life, and we think... we wanted to do this terrible act to ourselves. Hey! snap out of it. haha. we're not masochists.... not when it comes to this abstract noun.

I have come to find myself wondering that exact outlook I'm trying to rebut right now. What Have I Done. Honestly. For a while, things were... wonderful... impeccably wonderful, and if not that, it was.. damn close. I would wake up everyday... with a smile on my face.. and I would tell myself... this is.. what.. life at its prime.

The thing is, I think that period of time.. wasn't normal. It was ABNoRMALLY good.

something should've signaled in my head: " you're young. this prime of life thing, isn't supposed to hit you until you've learned enough about life.. which you obviously haven't.. watch it!"

Truthfully.. I think.. happiness.. should be fairly easy to achieve.. I mean.. what we perceive of occurrences, and life, is what is evoked in our emotions.. So.. if we just altered our outlook a bit, smiled a bit more, and most importantly, act as who we are while doing it.. happiness will come knocking on your door. Although of course, if we truly are unhappy, then.. there's no reason to hide it. Sometimes.. we just have to.. solve the problem.. pour the negativity out.. achieve that balance between.. good vs. bad. Just like.. biological homeostasis, our.. emotions have to find that medium as well.

About being ourselves. It's difficult isn't it? I've always found that.. people who dare to be themselves are those that have.. the greatest amount of courage. Technically, all of us put on this unconscious façade, to try to fit society's image of each and every one of us. Who we are supposed to be. Those that have courage stand up, rebel, and give society the finger = individuality is what leads to happiness, being yourself is what.. gives you strength. Why fit into a cookie cutter frame? Trivial happiness seems so.. miniscule and infinitesimal when compared to the ultimate happiness found in being comfortable with who we are.. True happiness. that's what individuality brings us. So. why is this task so hard?

Because society invades every inch of our lives. The girl you see walking past you in the morning when you go to school, the distant family member that hasn't seen you a while, the old man sitting at the bench waiting for the bus. Nobody honestly believes that humans don't judge, right? We do it. subliminally. you may not release the opinions you have, but as long as those opinions are formed, congrats, you just judged. So with all of these opinions smacking us in the face, it's like.. having.. these weird alcoholic drivers targeting you with their car as you're trying to reach your goal of individuality. So you wind off path, sometimes, you may go a little too far...and something tells me you expect me to shun the going off path thing. Nope. not at all. We all sway.. haha. it's a difficult journey. Of course we will sway, we will be lured by the idea of "fitting in." The thing is.. Individuality doesn't necessarily have to be equivalent to loneliness...

We can be happy being who we are, while having things in common with others. I mean. come on, we're all human, something tells no matter HOW different you are, you have something that somebody else also has. You just may not be using the right trait or.. interest to match with others. Hm. Comme Edna Pontellier dans The Awakening..

She was confronted with two opposite sides of the societal spectrum: Reisz who was.. intimidatingly individualistic, yet lonely.

and.. Adele Ratignolle who was basically a little rag doll under societal control, though she had many "friends" ( i quote this because. something tells me these friends won't stick with her if she were in real deep shit). And.. Edna chose.. neither. She chose to go her own way, although.. her representation was a bit drastic. Don't kill yourself. haha. Her suicide is.. interpreted as.. either an accomplishment, in that she retained her own self-being, while finding happiness, Or as defeat, since she seemed to run away. Find who you are, and.. BE that person. But remember, don't lock yourself from others. Trust me. There's something that links us all together. So go for it. Be yourself, and be happy all at the same time (:

Tirez le Bonheur de l'Individualité. c'est la vie.

discretions. discretions. discretions

Once in a while, I'll wake up in the morning, and it won't be any trivial morning, where all I do is wash, brush, change, makeup, leave. The special mornings I have are mornings that I wake up to my mind being overactive, helping me contemplate about things I've never had the chance to think about. I wonder what the fuck am I doing. How dare I let myself sink to the level to find generic joys and pleasures through... inebriation. I know I am better than that. There are so many things in my life that should make me want to smile, so what purpose does ethanol serve. Every time I let myself succumb to the lures of alcohol, I can feel myself sink deeper into a filthy metaphorical immoral swamp, and yet I can't stay away. Control is key. Control is important to me. I make a promise to myself: no more lack of control. My life will play out as I want it to. Distractions from fate are just distractions. Nonetheless, My life is my life.

Okay. Time for another topic, yes?

I feel like.. recently, I have forgotten what it means to be truly happy. I feel like I really have been letting every little negativity get to me. Do you other newly-exposed-to college kids feel this thing.. which I call.. BALL OF DEPRESSION. It's when all the pressure of college and .. the future kind of hits you all at once, and you feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing comes out of it. Then, you want to just stay in your dorm, skip your classes ( which i've only done once thank you, because I was sick), and stop trying. Quit school, relax as if everyday was the summer break after senior year, and just let your mind rot. Yeah, it hits you pretty hard. I think I'm ready to escape from that slump. I'm ready to go back to being YAY HAPPY TIFFANY! :D instead of why has everything been attacking me as if i'm a target tiffany. ):

You guys all like the YAY HAPPY TIFFANY :D more anyway, right?

So. here I am.

no more hiding behind the sad façade.

(:

rip it up, kids.

i don't know how to describe what i feel right now. I wish I could. Part of me longs to feel some sort of sadness, depression, and yet.. nothing's there. Another part of me's telling me to be happy, "good riddance." Yet, none of that precipitates as well. Apathy is all that lingers after " it" flies down the chute. Towards a recycling bin, i'm sure. All that matters to me right now.. is who i am, what the hell i want, and how to take care of those that care for me.. well, not all of those that care for me... and by that i mean, those people that say they care, but... really don't show it.

congrats.

you're 7 days late. exactly a week.

i'm sorry. i don't believe any of the shit that you said.

i'm sorry. i tore it up to shreds. i felt an adrenaline rush caused by a sudden emergence of anger.

you're right.

nothing. nothing between.

nothing of you, nothing of me.

you're nothing. Who the hell are you?

Don't let me ever see you again.

Yes. I do thank you.

taught me a lot about myself, and about what i want.

yes.

you may be the one person in this whole world that i will never give redemption to. the one person that i will render undeserving of an 8th chance.

i counted.

should've stopped a long time ago.

be confused. things are confusing.

humans are confusing.

never should've happened.

a fairy tale gone wrong.

very true. no happy ever after's in reality.

i'm sure you'll find one. you're not cursed.

i'm Jin xed.

i'm not searching. i'm not waiting. i'm not ready.

i don't feel anything anymore. it's that same feeling of numb you get after drinking too much alcohol

but trust me. i'm responsible.

don't tell me to not be strong. you took away too much. i don't have much left to be strong.

i don't have the strength to be kind anymore.

not to you.

or care for you.

none of that.

i hope you're happy.

go for it, forget me. oh wait. i'm sure you already have.

it's easy for you.

you've done it before.

multiple times.

don't say you wish for something good for me.

i find that to be nothing but words to make yourself feel better.

make yourself feel like you're a good person, with good ideals, and good morals.

no.

you said it.

you're bad.

go use yourself.

goodbye.

One of those days

Today is one of those days that I wish to not let anyone into my bubble. It's not as if today is a bad day. I don't think it is. It's just a regular, normal, boring day, and yet today I woke up with loneliness hitting me in the head. However, that's not a bad thing. I need to be hit with it sooner or later. Loneliness is never a bad thing. It's an enzyme for the reaction that produces my growth. I love independence. It makes me feel like I can amount to something. Who doesn't love that?

People always want things that they can not have. I wish that wasn't true, but it is..

In the physical end, people with curly hair want straight hair; people with straight hair want curly hair. In the metaphysical end, people with a partner want to be alone, people without a partner want partners. Why the hell do humans torture themselves so? Hey, but don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I need a partner, or straight hair. haha. I think I'm in the time period of my life where I need to take time off for myself, and find out who I am, and be completely comfortable with who I am. I think I'm not a bad person. No. I Know that I'm not a bad person. I'm not going to lie, I do bad things, but the thing is, who doesn't do bad things? A person who lives without any sin in his/her life is nonexistent. That's the key to being human. : Knowing what you do wrong, and minimizing the quantity of bad things done. Not.. Knowing what you do wrong, and absolutely being the most perfect person ever created on the face of this earth. because face it: PERFECTION IS NONEXISTENT. Paradoxically, perfection is imperfect. Would you want a perfect person? I wouldn't. Think about it. Intimidating, isn't it?

So no. I'm not going to lie.

Yes, I said I wasn't going to drink, and No. I did not keep that promise. I guess it runs in the family. My father drinks, so do I. I'm not an alcoholic, even if I used to drink at that amount. I know how to control myself, and I will not, do not let myself get drunk. I'm no idiot, and I know what I'm doing. I'm not doing it to fit in; not to run from my problems (although it helps), I'm doing it because I want to. It's an experience. Calm and Collected, that's what I aim for, and so far, that's what it has been. I keep myself intact. I watch over others and keep them intact. I'm no demon, but I'm definitely no angel either. So excuse me for my actions. I apologize for contradicting my words, yet I do not apologize for my actions. Circumstances change, and one promise I'll always keep: no regrets. I won't do anything I'll regret. keep your trust in me.

Tattoos.

the next topic.

I am planning to get inked. with my fellow pledge sister, Gabby.

tattoo of what? haven't really decided yet

I'm kind of in a pickle between two.

1. solid, purely black wings on the back of my shoulders (one on each shoulder)

-meaning: I find myself to be a fallen angel. I try to be good, but of course, I'm imperfect, and I'm proud of my imperfections. I'm no angel, but.. that doesn't mean i'm not good-natured, or that I don't have a strong set of morals, or that I don't have kindness, pathos. But, I am definitely not a push-over, not all-merciful (although i do forgive and forget easily), so there you go. I feel those wings would fit me quite well.

2. Music staff of one measure, within the measure, a treble sign, and the notes F A C A D E. and cursive façade under it.

-Meaning: The treble sign because I sing in the range of tenor-soprano, all in the treble clef. haha. that's about it for that. Facade because.. I used to, and probably still (a bit) put up a facade towards people that I'm not close to. I've always had trouble trusting people after they lose my trust, so they get the Façade. It is quite a flaw but it is who I am, and I do try very hard to change that part of me, yet it.. no matter what, is a part of me (even if it will become a part of my past), and I want it to stick with me. So yes, that's an option as well. Oh, also because a lot of people see me, and they give a "façade" for me (like a stereotype), but I end up being something else = the real me. So, I think it'd be cool to accept what I am to others, it'l help me keep my actions intact, and my identity straight.

Which do you guys think is the one for me?

Or do you guys have other suggestions?

Hit the comment board! (:

dig it.

5 stages of grief.

It's amusing for me to look back on my blogs, and see how they've steered away from that particular topic as time went along. Comments about that particular topic gradually faded from the paradigm words of true feelings. No matter how slow a transition it was.. It is accomplished. Dealt. Understood.

An amazing friend of mine pointed out to me:

" You're being so pathetic. Don't you realize what the hell you're going through? It's the exact same 5 steps of mourning that widows go through, and you haven't lost anything. Actually, you should feel exuberant in release."

That. was 2 months ago.

So.

first step.

1. Denial

This.. can't be true. Everything was fine. Everything was turning out so well. It seemed like I was doing things right for once, so why the hell is everything falling apart?

2. Anger.

That's right, I was fucking pissed. It didn't make any sense to me why something I sacrificed so much for gets to be destroyed in my own hands. What kind stupid ass situation is this.

3. Bargaining.

Maybe I'll try harder. Maybe.. maybe I'll stop hoping. Maybe.. I'll just. do all I can. I would give everything that I have to offer to make it work. Deal?

4. Depression.

For nights on end, I felt so damn alone, dejected, unwanted, worthless. I wondered why, what, and how it came down to all this. What did I do to deserve it. How much I have put in to paradoxically receive this kind of consequence. Too many tears to mention.

5. Acceptance.

Fuck it, I'm stronger than that. Independence is a gift, not a condemnation. I'll utilize it to my advantage.

So I inadvertently flew through the 5 stages of grief, without ever noticing that I did.

I like moving on. New people. New feelings. New environment. New everything.

Truthfully. I didn't do anything wrong, and I believe it. I gave it my all.

And I would doubt my innocence in the matter, if it were not for confirmations from many.

But, in the end, others' opinions do not matter. It is my own that stands.

Happiness is what I make of it. I'll find happiness.

I swear, and I'll be the last one to smile, laugh.

Although, I wish for happiness too, and laughter from.. that. also.

the end.

for now.

(:

"way down in Berkeley"

So, it's true. It has already been 1 and a half weeks that I've been studying at UC Berkeley.. in.... well..Berkeley, California. I stand corrected. Berkeley, I LOVE YOU! haha.

College is definitely hard. I spend everyday studying/reading/homeworking/quizzing/etc../repeat../repeat.../repeat

But, i go out too, I party, I try to have fun, and let loose. About.. 1 -2 times per week, or else I'm sure I'll find some way to jump off the famous "suicidal math building" (which now has glass railings around it to prevent suicide attempts)... yummmmaaay

haha

But why do I love it here?

I mean, some people absolutely hate it here. Some people (which used to be me) hates everything about this place. But I love the whole vibe, I love the attitude that people have. Nobody has the attitude of.. ... well.. nothing. And, it seems everybody knows.. what they want to study... not as in, what they want to do for the rest of their lives, but as in they know what they're interested in, and they're not afraid to go after it. It's.. inspirational.

I love how, people are all so passionate. Hey, even the hobos are passionate.

I don't think I've ever met such a knowledgeable and devoted homeless man before as the one that wanders around Sproul. He screams out his ideals of religion, and in the things he speaks of, there are some crazy relevant theories of human behavior that he extracted out of his passion for religion.

Another reason is probably.. I feel like I can really be myself here.

There are actually people who think what I like, what I want to study, what I'm interested in is.. well.. not. WEIRD

haha.

So what if I'm into diseases (the really gross kinds), or psychotic twists in human behavior?

There could be another person down the block who is interested in necrophiliac behavior.

it's alllll good

come visit me, guys.

there's amazing food around berkeley..

maybe not IN the school dining halls..

but anywhere else in berkeley,

we've got bomb food.

and thrift stores.

and.. JUST AMAZING PEOPLE (:

I miss you all.

hope you think of me too

what's wrong?

Honestly, I think the answer to that question is .. well, one again.. me. I feel like I am a failure at doing anything correctly. How many times will it take before I lose all of those around me because I've wronged too much? I don't like how that cloud of guilt lingers over my head. Sometimes I think to myself of how I've messed up so many times. And though people say, I do not need to apologize for the things I've done, somewhere in my heart, I know that they are just too tired to forgive again. It's that type of " I'm so used to it" feeling, that I don't want people to have, and yet they do. How do I make things right? How do I stop conflict.. I wish I knew. I wish there could just be some God-sent sign that blatantly prescribes: " This is what you do:" Yet, what a fantasy. Some things are for myself to figure out. Except this time, it seems the problem is a part of me. So it comes down to, if I'm willing to change myself in order to make things right. Well, am I? I know for this one particular person, I'd do it. Too bad I'm not sure if that will solve all the problems. 

I don't understand why things have to be so hard. Not anymore. I finally realize the kind of pain, frustration, and hopelessness that one of my friends had felt before. 

"Why must things be so hard? Why can't things be easy? Let's just.. enjoy all the good. There's no reason for things to be hard. I'm sure I'll still learn to treasure the good times, even if there are not the hard times." ______ said.

Yeah, I get what you mean now. I don't know how to make things... good all the time, no matter how much I wish it. Harsh words, Cold feelings, Soulless eyes. I don't want any of that. I want warm smiles, longing glances, sincere whispers. How do I keep from messing up? Somebody teach me, please? I miss laughing and smiling, and doing nothing but. Those things seem so  far away, and all of those trivial things like fighting, bickering are the only things that end up staying in my head. And those are the things that bother me for nights to come, Those are the things that instill my insomnia. 

A rock hanging over our heads...

I'm trying my best to not let that rock fall. I swear. I may not be able to solve all the problems in the world, but.. I can try can't i?

an attempt is better than not doing anything at all. I'd rather put all I have in solving a problem, than sitting on the side being a crybaby. 

I feel like I've lost so much already. I don't think I can risk losing anymore. I really don't. Even if people say I'm addicted to pain, to conflict. Fine, so be it. But.. I really do think if I lose one more thing, I will break. Especially now. I'm way too scared to let things fall apart. I want to keep things from falling apart. 

Help me out here.

Please. 

I'm getting tired. Lend a helping hand.

-----------------------------------------

I don't like the threat of low blood sugar. I don't like the idea of being able to wake up one day, and collapsing right down, and fall into a deep, long sleep, and waking up somewhere cold, filled with syringes.

pills are gross too.

-----------------------------------------

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me, and why I do the things I do. I don't have the right to do any of those things. I guess I just get scared sometimes, and I run for refuge, whatever that is. Forgive me. I will change.

That, I promise. And a promise is a promise.

-----------------------------------------

Maybe it's true, maybe it's time to reinvent myself. Let's start over.

Hi, My name is Tiffany Cheng, or Jin, if you don't mind. I've always had two names. It's a little stumble my father made, but I kind of love it. I love singing my heart out, and the smell of a forest after an afternoon shower of rain. I carry quite a few faults, but I'm glad to change them if they ever threaten your happiness or comfortability. I want to be a good person, so let me help, and in so, you help me become a good person. I'm really emotional, but I don't show it to many people, unless it hits somewhere deep (that's why I usually never cry during sad movies). I have this stupid syndrome in which I keep up a wall with anyone I meet, but I swear, once you get to know me, I act like I'm part of your family. It gets annoying at times. I pour out everything about me to a person once I trust them, and TRUST ME, it's very easy for me to trust. The thing is, I can lose trust very quickly too. But, I'm also a firm believer in forgive and forget, and the idea of second chances. So don't worry, I come around. Lollipops make me happy, especially strawberry creme flavored ones, and sour patched kids can cheer me up for any problem. As you can tell, I have a sweet tooth, and so I always end up eating a bunch of snacks and things that are bad for me, whenever I'm not feeling like myself. One of the most important things is, I'm extremely awkward. And I don't mean lanky awkward (that's the cute kind of awkward). I'm the kind of awkward that will make you awkward, and it's like a genetic disorder. I have no clue how to cure it. I'm embarrassing too. Don't be surprised if we're eating ice cream, and somehow, my hand misses the spoon and lands in the ice cream. That's happened to me before. I'm also super clumsy (a side effect of awkward). But it's okay, I apologize to every chair/table/inanimate object I run into. I'm polite, even if it's to things I don't need to be polite to. I think the most important thing in life is to always have Love, so as you can tell. I'm romantic and quixotic as hell is hot. 

Although, That's all you need to know for now. 

I can't say everything about me within 1 paragraph anyway. 

To be continued.

Scaredycat, coward. toughen up.

(note: The Chinese government forbid access to anti-communistic sites, including any websites that showcased anti-communist information, therefore, sadly, Blogger was also locked; ergo, I did not blog as I promised. I apologize.)

Who is? Not anyone any of you would expect. I was referring to myself. For this whole day today, I kept reminding myself that ... I really need to stop being so weak. It's true. Weakness will not get me anywhere. So what am I so damn afraid of? Well, obviously that one thing that has always gnawed at my so-called strength: Loneliness. The thing is, I really should not be afraid of it. Technically, Loneliness is this beautiful thing that teaches each and every one of us to survive on our own, to.. thrive independently, to be our own persons (and yes, in this case, 'persons' is politically and grammatically correct.). And, if I really think about it, I'm never alone. I have these wonderful friends, these amazingly perfect, yet absolutely human parents, and other people who care for me. The word Loneliness shouldn't even exist in my vocabulary. There is no valid reason as to why I should be afraid, or bothered, or frustrated. Things come and go, and no matter what or who I end up with, I will always have those that care for me, even though they may be miles away, or farther. So after all of this thinking, I started to question, maybe.. the reason I'm so distraught is not because I'm scared of being lonely, or feeling lonely, I'm just despaired at witnessing something that I put so much into crumble in the palm of my hands. 

I am not the type of person to often ask for second chances, unless.. I really feel it is necessary.. most of that due to, I do not think I deserve second chances, though I believe all people do, I've believed myself to be a special case. So I definitely surprised myself when I did ask for a second chance. Now as to why I did it, I'm not sure. It may be.. a spur of the moment stumble, it may be a spur of the moment opportunity, it may just be.. Delirium, It can also be ... inside my heart somewhere, that was what I was hoping for. I feel like, I have really lost a good sense of who I am, and what I want, what I need. I forgot how great it feels to just be myself in front of someone. It feels so comfortable to just.. let someone see the real me. Granted, I'm not a good person, although I'm not.. bad either, in my opinion. I'm just a normal person, you know, a mixture of good and bad. It's nice not having to put up a fake facade, a despicably for-pretend smile. But, I guess it was nice while it lasted. Who am I to force other people to lose their smiles, their happiness? My second chance may have caused another person frustration, pain, annoyance, negativity, but, I took it as it is anyway. I can't be that selfish. I want..  another person to be happy. I want for me.. to learn a lesson, to grow, to... well, maybe I'm just meant for studying... a lot. Everyone deserves happiness, and I've gotten mine, though.. apparently not for as long as I'd like. But, if everything always went my way, then, I would never learn to chase after anything. Just a little longer, I'll keep chasing. And when I know I've reached my capacity, when nothing in me gives me enough strength to sustain me any longer, I'll stop. Or, in the very exceptional case, that I somehow change targets, I will move on to chase something else. And of course, if my current target wishes me to stop, I will willingly oblige.

Everything ends eventually, at some time. no matter how hard we try to keep things going, somehow... something runs out.. and before we know it, it's over. abruptly. The quixotic mind would think that nothing ends... it just continues after a little construction site in the road. But, Quixotic fools are hurt so easily. Maybe it's better to think, and know, and realize, that.. nothing lasts.. ever. why, if things didn't end, I doubt that any of us would ever treasure the things we have. We just sometimes forget that things do end. So when the end does come ruthfully taking away what you never knew you had, something in you gets taken away with it, and you are never the same again. Absolutely ridiculous sounding, but I've always thought, that anytime that I use my heart to do something, I put a piece of my heart with it. To me, whenever something ends, I have the hardest time letting it end.. as it should. That's probably abnormal of me, or.. foolish of me, but.. please, like I said before, I don't ask for chances easily, but please, just let me be a quixotic fool once more. And if I'm wrong, like I usually am, then.. I'll let it end. What's a few days, give or take.

-----------------------------

Just yesterday, my father said to me, " I want you to stop worrying, to stop thinking, to stop being so negative. I want you to have fun. You've worked hard. It's time to have fun, not for anybody else either, but for yourself. I don't like that pensive, contemplative and sad look you have in your eyes. You think I don't know? I'm your own father. There's no one else in the world that cares about you more than I do. Take a break. Forget all your worries."

I swear I haven't been so touched in a long time.  It was so relieving to hear my dad say that. I should stop thinking, and just.. let things go their way.. 

But, I guess things are never as easy as I want them to be. Maybe I'm just meant to worry. 

----------------------------

I have no clue why, but.. for some reason, this memory popped into my head today :

Him singing my favorite song at the time for me. Gosh, he tried so hard. And even though he wasn't a singer, and .. he.. was quite terrible at it, haha, he put so much effort into it, that I couldn't help but laugh with joy. I could tell he took a long time to perfect it; before that night, he didn't even think of ever singing it. Oh, and him singing twinkle twinkle little star, and me keeping it in my phone in secret, and how he had no idea that had totally recorded him while he was singing it to me. Oblivious, in a good way. 

----------------------------------

Anyways, I'll give it a few days.

If I'm ready to give up, When I'm ready, I'll let it go. I'll give up. Like others have. I'm just a little more stubborn that most.  Sue me.

On the way to LA Chine

I am in korea right now,
in the Incheon airport...
super bored,
waiting for my transfer flight to go back to my hometown..
excited, yet anxious, ecstatic, yet nervous.

Wish me luck guys!
i'll blog once i'm there
(to be continued)

back to the hometown (buffet unnecessary)

So, tonight is the night that i depart for china... for a month.
i'm quite excited to go back to where i was born, and to go back to see my grandparents (who raised me from when i was 2-8). I haven't seen them in a year, and I think it'd be nice to visit them once more before I head off on my own adventures in college.

I gotta say, I've had quite an overwhelming day today. Basically, I wake up, and I find that my Iphone 3GSweetie <3>sound effects and flashbacks for the portable machine that is my fictional baby. I love this thing. So, i silently (out of respect) and carefully trasferred the lifeless, limp, cadavre into its little sarcophagus labeled "iPhone 3Gs." Then, I did the deed. That's right. I called my dad. This is what he replied to my "how do I bring my little frankenstein baby back to life?" dilemma:
"WHAT THE @(*$ IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT THING, I BOUGHT THAT THING 5 @)(*$)(*#$ DAYS AGO. WHAT THE @)#($* DID YOU DO? GET YO BUTT OVER HERE. WE HAVE TO GO TO THE APPLE STORE"

so we HEAD onto the apple store, and damn, this is the first time i've seen my father so mad at me.
well , which makes sense.. this little "baby" of mine isn't thrifty. It cost 500. ):
MMhmm back to the story. So i'm at the apple store, and one of the representatives comes to my rescue, and says " i'm sorry, you're going to have to pay 200... our general manager said so.."
AND I WAS LIKE,
" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS THING IS NOT WORTH.. 500+200! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! IT's not like it's an ACTUAL baby!"
So there i was, totally distraught. Contemplating about whether or not if i should take the leap, work for my dad for FOREVER, earn his forgiveness, and the 200 dollars......
THEN, OUT OF NO WHERE. AN ANGEL SHOWS UP. well not exactly. but he's quite an angel to me. This angel is the guy who helped me with my 3GS transaction the first time. He saw my little cutie laying dead upon plastic, and said " let me see what I can do."
SOMEHOW, he got me a hook up! SO, FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE screen change.
I honestly will never forget his kindness. OH, I show eternal gratitude, the doode is getting presents. ( not as bribes, but as... a sign of.. my forever indebtedness to him...). He is amazing.
I hope he gets whatever wish he wants GRANTED. Damn, he deserves it.

okay so, that is my day.
woo hoo.
haha
and now it is t minus 5 hours before i head for the airport.
and i'm only about 1/2 done with packing.
i hate packing, don't you guys hate it too? You never know what to bring, and you want to bring EVERYthing (just in case), and yet, obviously everything isn't going to fit into one compact suitcase...
THEREFORE, time to do some thinking, and see what is essential for my trip.
au revoir, mes amis importants.

”Donnez la gentillesse sur ceux qui vous donnent la gentillesse"

J'ai BESOIN d'INTERNET.

OH BLOG, I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Since my family is officially converting from avid Charter followers to fellow Direct TV'ers, I do not have internet right now in my home. Everyday, I have to use the little tiny power of my iphone in order to have a social life on the web. Well, of course you're wondering right now of how the heck I'm blogging at this very moment if I do not have the privilege of having internet access. Why, I traveled all the way to El Monte to borrow my dad's office, here, I am typing on his computer, and hindering his working efficiency. Hopefully he'll recover.
Obviously a lot has happened since June. I feel quite terrible, since in the last blog I promised that i would start writing regularly again. Due to circumstances, however, I could not fulfill that promise. ): Forgive me.

My little hubbie/love slave/partner in crime/boyfriend, has officially departed for the Phillippines, and this actually happened on the night of my orientation at UC Berkeley (of which i will elaborate later on in this blog). Gosh, this is quite pathetic, but I miss him a lot already. OH YES. If any of you have not witnessed yet, EK has completely shaved all of the hair on his head OFF. YES. it's ALL GONE! Now, he reminds me of Humpty Dumpty... because his head is particularly egg-shaped. It's a nice discovery I guess. Without the hair style change, I would've never realized that my boyfriend has a head that mimics a chicken's offspring... (well before the cracking part). I gotta say, he better grows his hair back to his old hairstyle, he's not exactly... amazingly attractive right now. Although, i'll still take him as he is. haha. Afterall, I hope not to be shallow. What are physical appearances anyway, psh. He has a semi-wonderful personality.....
Just kidding.
he does have a great personality


Now, onto the topic of my CalSO, which is the orientation for Cal, or UC Berkeley. ( In this segment, I shall use the original nickname of Berkeley, which is Cal because Cal takes much less effort to type.. I'm lazy. sue me.) I gotta say, CalSO has definitely made me fall in love with Cal. They exposed so many different aspects of Cal i never could've expected to discover by myself. Oh, and somehow I caught on this natural hatred for Stanford. Mostly because Stanford and Cal are rival schools. So DOWN WITH STANFORD. GO BEARS! woo hoo!
haha. hopefully i won't turn into one of those super competitive, belligerent, and hostile college cheerers...
So what did we do during CalSO? Well the first half of the orientation was quite boring. In fact, i fell asleep straight through 3 seminars. Thank Goodness they did not catch me and videotape me. They decided to show a collective video of all the people that were sleeping during CalSO at the closing ceremony... Lucky me. whew. The second half of the first day, however, was absolutely eye-opening and life changing. We had an exercise called the "Stand If" exercise, in which they would give out a statement, and if it applies to you, you STAND UP!
IT was surprising to see how many people had gone through the same things I did, and also how many people gone through different situations. Everybody had... similar yet different opinions about subjects. It gave me a great feeling of "belonging" to the Cal community. I mean, there were so many things that I didn't know about people before the exercise, but after it, I felt as if i knew everybody so much better. It paralleled a "secret telling session." Basically we were all stepping out of our comfort zones and... well. expose who we are. It was AMAZING. Afterwards, we had a little discussion seminar about our opinions. That was fun too. Some people were not who they seemed to be. It's very cool. The whole CalSO experience just reiterated the lessons that my grandfather taught me when I was young. I should have never closed off my expectations of Berkeley, because well, it's such a beautiful school, such an amazing university, with such outstanding opportunities. I should've kept an open mind, as I always should. It also reiterated to never judge. We, as human beings, have no right to judge.. I mean if you think about it, we've all made mistakes... we've all sinned, who are we to comment on others' mistakes?

Right now, I am so proud to be a GOLDEN BEAR! haha.
Hopefully I'll be able to blog again soon, and hopefully I can keep my blog meaningful and interesting.
I'm out of time,
so i'll end this blog with a famous Bear CHEER!

You know it! What?
You tell the story! Yeah!
You tell the whole damn world this is BEAR TERRITORY!

au revoir mes amis importants,


"gardez toujours un esprit ouvert, car l'envie proche cause l'ignorance et la stupidité."

succumbing to materialism !?

I'm quite ashamed of myself lately, I find myself blogging less and less. I hope I will regain my previous habit of blogging everday, or whenever I get hit with the "blogger muse." So, I came back from my secret trip, and I gotta say, at first, it was exactly what I expected. However, things evolved for the better, and I ended up having.. one of the most interesting, exciting, scary, fun trips I have ever had. Fun because, well, anytime with him is great & fun. The interesting, exciting and scary part, I apologize that I will have to refrain from elaborating. Some people will be so shocked that they will want to pull my hair out. Well, not to that exact level, but I'm quite sure most people will be very shocked. In the negative way. For some time.

Anyways, about my title. Ever since I was 8 (which is the age that I arrived at America), I found that my dad often tried to find ways to - I guess- make up for the time he did not spend with me during my childhood. He definitely spoils me. I know it. I feel bad about it. I don't deserve to be so spoiled, honestly. I mean, for the longset time in my childhood, i worked so hard. But it wasn't to be spoiled. It was just for me to see my parents again. That sort of thing. Somehow, my dad formed this weird routine of regaining my love, which was never taken away from him in the first place. Basically, everytime that I cry, or when I am mad, sad, anything negative, his go-to method of recovery is through buying me things. I mean.. anything that I want. It scares me. I do not find any happiness in basing the simple emotion of familial love on... well, materialism. THAT. is damn intimidating. What is more intimidating is.. I find myself falling closer and closer to liking materialism. That's horrible. I do not want to forget what my gradfather taught me: to always be appreciative for what I've got, to never want more than I need, to always remember those less fortunate than I. I definitely appreciate the situation I'm in. I'm so damn lucky. I hope I can do enough to deserve what I do receive. I do remember those less fortunate than I. Although, I won't say that giving to every charity I know is true enough as remembering those less fortunate than I, but I certainly do try. I want to help people out. Now, about the second fact stated, that I should never want more than I need. that one is a hard one to achieve. I mean, I can afford the things that I need, along with many things that I want, so i end up feeding my own desires... even if they are absolutely useless. I want to stop. I do not want to end up like one of those spoiled girls on "true life - mtv- I'm a shopaholic." Really, I do not want to be a spoiled brat. Nor do I ever want to come close to acting like one. If i ever show any bratty qualities. please tell me. I will change. That is for sooth.

Okay, new topic. This is to all the people who love music out there. I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this, but it's - in my opinion - one of the most amazing feelings in the world. To really give yourself to music. I haven't tried it with playing piano, but with singing definitely. That experience of closing your eyes, saying those lyrics as though they were your own, put your own feeling to it, fall into the song, and just... make magic. I love it. I have to say, it gives you such a rush, and it's a very good stress reliever. Why? Because, you're pouring your emotions out, blocking out all the distractions, and just.. plain doing what you love. And after it, you'll find that you are in a state of happiness and joy because well, just plain doing what you love is.. amazing. Also, I find that if I put my whole self into a song, I definitely understand the song more, and I end up loving the song more.

SO, go out there, get rid of the distractions, and DO WHAT YOU LOVE.
Try it.
it's beautiful.

"Faire que vous aimez, est un cadeau"

uncomfortable.

I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this before, but it's bothering me quite a lot.

I know I'm supposed to be happy, and honestly I would believe myself to be happy, but for some reason, there's just this dark fog in my gut that's telling me " damn it, tiffany, you're unhappy." I hate it. I know it's probably wise to listen to something as ominous as a dark fog in my stomach, but I would much rather live in a blissful oblivion. That's not the only oxymoronic ache that's going on. Then there's the fact that I'm excited for a trip I've been planning for a while, and yet, something keeps making me melancholy about it. Maybe it's the fact that not only me, but someone else had to go through troubles, efforts, obstacles in order to make this trip kind of semi-work. And well, I'm quite a superstitious person. When something doesn't even plan out right, how will it be good in action..? I guess that's what my gut's telling me right now. " look at all the trouble you and (insert name here) had to go through in order to make this tiny little trip work. Is it worth it?"
Now, this is the thing that really really really bothers me. The fact that usually, I'd know the hopeless romantic in me would scream " YES! it's worth it!" THIS time, however, my conscience is split in half.
The Idealist replies: "Why, of course it is worth it! Why would it not be worth it? This is TIME! God-given, easily-grasped time! It's precious precious moments FED to you. Take it."
The Cynist argues: " Well. It's not like you did not see what happened last time. Time isn't time together if well, technically, you're not together. You know that. You don't like how that feels -- being ignored after toiling and striving to get there.. to receive what? Time to read a book and magazine? You have that at home! Why be excited?"

Well, I'm going no matter what. Whether or not I'll be content, that is to be determined. Although, I've found that whenever I'm within a 5-feet radius of (insert name here), I usually end up happy. I'm just quite skeptical as to how things will turn out. Like last time? Or.. different...?

For the past two days, I don't know if it's because I may be PMSing, or it's because of that dark fog of unhappiness is in my gut, I just keep sobbing.
1. I'm REALLY glad about that because my contacts make my eyes so dry, I thought i lost the ability to cry! haha.
2. I really would like to know why I'm crying so much. :/

Everytime I think of the phrase "always second best," tears just can't help but escape.
Actions speak louder than words.
Words...are so easily transformed into lies.

I am pretty damn sure, that there is no way that I can be the top of the pyramid, the most Imp0$%@^%, the most tr3@$^&#&. No matter how many times you say it, words are just words, and I wish that your actions could prove those words. I wish I could be beguiled, so I could fully believe exactly what you say. I want to believe. Actions just disprove those words at times. So What am i supposed to believe if actions contradict words...

force.

There is absolutely one thing in this whole world that can, and will drive me crazy. It is one thing that I can not comprehend, understand, or try to comprehend/understand. It is the one thing that will make me want to go to drastic measures. No matter how extensive the measure. What am I talking about?

Well, you know how in those typical teen angst tv shows, the kid ends up following the path that the parent chooses? Then the path rebels, and somehow in this beautiful rainbow filled sky scene, the parent realizes. " oh shit, my kid is right. This is his/her life. Not mine."

Damn it, I really wish one of those scenes would happen in my life. I basically want to self induce a heart attack, and maybe that'll make my dad understand.
Direct quote.
" You have to be a doctor. This is your life. You're going to be a doctor. That's the only way you'll survive. Go to that medical program. Become a doctor. Nothing else. What else can you be?"

FUCK.
I never thought that I would have to face such a problem. Honestly, my whole life, no matter what I did, my dad would be the one supporting me, pushing me forward. What the hell happened? I don't even know what I want to accomplish in life. Since when has it been marked that I am destined to be in the medical field? It is the only occupation that he is sure of. It is as if he is so narrow-minded that nothing else exists. What if I wanted to study psychology?
His reply was " oh no, you're going to become a psychopath. Be a doctor."

God, please help me out.
I know i'm supposed to appreciate all the things that my dad has bestowed upon me. And you bet, i damn well appreciate all those things. Why the hell else would I be attending a school I do not like? I would give so damn much. I just can't give away my discretion, especially when this choice has to deal with the rest of my life, and my potential happiness in life. I want to do waht I want. Please.


I don't know if my dad will ever understand. No matter how much i scream my lungs out telling him that This is my life. Not his.
He always replies with the same answer
" this is for your own good. i care about you. now, go be a doctor. That is your life."
How does he know?

DONE

shiet.

today was the last day of high school!

haha.

it still hasn't hit me yet. that this is the starting step towards our new, bright futures. This is the closing of a beautiful chapter in our lives, and the beginning of an even better chapter. (:

OKAY, so this blog is most definitely dedicated to this wonderful friend of mine whom i love. 

Monica, the moment i read your note, oh boy, tears stream down. You have no idea how touched i was by your words. Girl, you can write. and damn, you really know how to get to me.

So here goes.

monica. i probably have not told you just how much i love you. i really love you.

i still remember the first time i met you. freshman year. pe. 6th period. honestly, i was so scared when i first met you, not that you're intimidating or anything. i was just afraid that i would say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, or accidentally offend you, or intimidate you, or alienate you. I really wanted you to be one of my friends, and i knew from the moment we talked to each other that we would be friends for a long time. I mean come on, haha. we hit it off. And, from then on it was just an amazing friendship. True, we did not have classes with each other, and we barely had time to socialize with each other. However, we maintained our friendship and we kept going. Monica. you are so amazing. Sometimes i wish i had your great personality, and that awe-inspiring creative writing skill you got there. I mean, dang, what a talent. You are going to be the author of one of those books on the New York Times Bestsellers. I mean I would not be surprised if you won the pulitzer, or the P.E.A.R.L. (if you're into romance), or NOBEL, or POWELL. goodness. haha. Honestly, you are such a great person, that i'm so glad i got to know you these 4 years. 4 great years. Monica. I don't know what i'd be if i had not met you. You taught me so much. Not just about.. life, and relationships, friendships, and.. struggles. you taught me about myself. You helped me mature. I would be a totally different person if i had never met you, different in a bad way, i mean. Somehow, i would always look to you whenever i was going through hard times, and just.. pull through. Hopefully that makes sense to you. You contributed to who i am today, and i am so grateful for that. Thank you. 

Now, Monica. I hope you know that i am always here for you. No matter what, even if we're.. more than 3000 miles away from each other. Even if i'm on the opposite of the world (even though i'm just a little far from so cal), I am there for you. Just like i know that you have been there for me. Thank you for giving me your friendship. And heck yes, we are going to stay friends for the longest time. There is no way in heaven, earth, hell, that i would ever forget you. So, let's both work towards our futures. and GLOAT (haha) to each other when we have achieved what we want. (:

I. Love. YOU!

Due Process

As in, the substantive due process rights granted within the 14th amendment of the United States Constitution. So, if this amendment exists, and it has been used before to guarantee rights of marriage, how in hell did prop 8 not get repealed? Instead, the California State Court has upheld its initial decision in disallowing same-sex marriages. Last time i checked, homosexuals are people, citizens to be exact. You see the existence of the letters "homo-" indicate the genus of HUMAN. In fact, it is the latin term for human. So, if these homosexuals are human, why do they not get the same rights as heterosexuals? injustice, indeed...

Of course, the other side of the argument would be that if same-sex marriages were allowed, it will take away certain rights of the church. Oh, and then there's the argument that if such marriage were allowed, soon enough, we would evolve to accept polygamy.. and who knows what else? Let's not get carried away. We're still talking about single partner here; therefore, there's no reason why we need to drag in the multiple partner argument. 

Living in typically liberal California, i wonder why prop 8 was passed. :/

All right, now onto a more casual topic. 

I think i am screwed for finals... haha. God, help me out here.

I'm not sure if you guys know what I'm talking about, but have you ever felt when you're so antsy, that there seem to be jumping beans perpetually splattering around in your stomach, liver, and spleen, waiting to move at the pace your body is supposed to, and yet, your body is forced to stay in one chair for an hour? I've been having that the whole day today. The end of high school is so close, and yet so far. I guess what i've been feeling is what one would feel when they are captured by peers, by parental force, and they are waiting for that one moment of release, where they become individuals...

Reading Brave New World, has me thinking some interesting things.

What if you were stuck in a world where everybody was programmed to be like robots, and you were the only one with individualistic thought. Would you speak up to say something, or would you eventually succumb to the pressure given by society? Seems scary, doesn't it? Being the only one with a different point of view in a world where everybody dressed the same, spoke the same, thought the same... LIVED the same. Of course, died the same. And you, you're the only one that does not want that plastic cookie cutter mold of a life. You want divine right. You want humanism. You want personality and unique characteristics. What can you do? If you rebel, those "robots" who are supposedly humans will destroy you. If you don't speak up, you will feel like being eaten from the inside out, because you will not feel like a human. You'd be a man-made piece of plastic with synthetic skin and a force-educated mind.. Speaking up. what courage.

okay.

now for this portion, i may get a little personal

so, cut me some slack, i'm pretty bothered about some things.

I am really bothered by the skill of "assumption". Not to be hypocritical, because i do it too. But, this... so called skill.. is cumbersome, and it adds just so much more negativity or misunderstanding to any situation... Sometimes, assuming turns out to be deductive reasoning. Sometimes, it's way off, and turns ugly. Why do we all assume... is it because we'd rather assume the worst, so whatever turns out to be the result is illuminated in positivity? Maybe. Twisted, but.. very idealistic. How about we just live life as it is.. by fact. and only by fact. Sure, our lives may be a little boring, but.. let's just try it for a week. Well, at least i'll try it.

haha

until later, mes amis importants, 

"Supposez le meilleur dans les gens, parce qu'alors, vous trouverez le meilleur dans vous aussi."

guess who's back?

well it's no one special, or slim shady. as you all can see, after 6 days of not posting... (drum roll optional)

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKK!

Hopefully i am still of interest to my readers ( if they are at all existent). So, here goes. 

First off, a note to a person i care very much about. 

Do not worry, she'll come back. I know it. I'll pray for her, i'll pray for you. There are many people out there looking for her, for you. Rest assured. (:

Today, while i was walking along in my neighborhood, i suddenly was surprised by the sight of multiple gigantic black cars lined up covering the span of 2 whole blocks. i was basically standing there, in awe, thinking " what the F#&% is this...?" Then, i realized, it was a GRAD Party for a kid who is going to Cal State Fullerton. Not to be materialistic, unappreciative, and shallow, but hey.. where's my party? Referring to my parental units, " HI, I'M GRADUATING. TRY TO SHOW THAT YOU WILL MISS ME."

anyways, i think i'm changed for life. And, please do not ask what i am indicating. 

Now that there are only 4 days of school left, it seems that it is time to think back on my high school time span ( i mean. mostly because 4 years is pretty parallel to 4 days. yes?). I often wonder if i have left a mark in WHS. What i am implying is that, will people remember me? Did i do anything for the benefit of WHS? Did i contribute my part in high school? Man, i really hope i did. In these last few days, i want to end my 4 crucial years with a bang. I mean, i do not want to give up at the end. I want to ace all of my finals, and leave feeling content with what i have achieved. I'm praying that will be possible. 

Next, onto the topic of college... ugh. I sometimes ask myself if i'm doing the right thing, by going to a college mainly because my father wants it to be so. I know i will regret not taking the 54K offer from the college i've wanted to go to for so long. Every time i think about it, i can feel my stomach sink a little, signifying a " tiffany cheng, you are such a stupid ass. live your own life. not your father's." Although i am transferring to the school i want to go to in 2 years, i still think sometimes that i am digging a big black hole for myself. What are the chances of me getting good enough grades to transfer while i am studying in... berkeley. Am i going to have to slave and not sleep anymore in order to get to the goal i want... when i already have it so close at hand? Am i messing up my own future? Damn, i hope not. I want to confirm that i am making the right decision for splitting my college to fulfill both my father and my dream. Two years for the college he wants, and 2 years for the college i want, and then. ONTO graduate school.

Wow, am i going to miss everybody. I remember in the beginning of the year, i told myself that i would probably not miss anybody and just get out of high school attachment free. WHAT A LIE. I swear, I am going to cry because i will miss people so much. Oh, which reminds me. Want to know what my favorite moment at grad is? You probably guessed it. The instantaneous second when all the seniors throw up their caps. I love that moment. Is very awe-inspiring and moving. A symbol of freedom, independence and regeneration. I'm excited to be one of the people throwing those caps, I wonder what it will feel like within the symbol, instead of a bystander watching the real life symbol form. 

I want to go hiking again. I still remember the first time I went hiking, in Catalina, i think. It was pretty intense. It was raining, and so the hills were slippery, the path was intangible, and everything was enveloped in a mystifying fog. Quite beautiful, but quite hard to hike. We took longer than usual, and the whole time, everybody kept complaining about the length of the activity, and the hard-to-breathe surroundings. That moment when we got to the top of the hills, nobody uttered another word. From the tip-top of Cherry Cove, the rain stopped, the fog cleared, and the ocean was clear as ever. Even from such a great height, we could see the garibaldi swimming in the water. Spots of golden orange in waves of clear and turquoise blue. The result was definitely worth the struggle, and i thought at that moment, "wow, isn't that just the same as what we go through in life?" We are bound to face obstacles that make us want to give up and surrender. We are meant to keep going, however. Pass the obstacles and pain to find joy and happiness and fulfillment. That, is one of the most important things to keep at heart in life. In english class, Mrs. Arias showed us a video that i will never forget named " The Last Lecture." It was  a lecture written by a college professor diagnosed with incurable cancer. This "Last Lecture" is meant for 1 professor each year to give a lecture as if it is his/her last. Well, in 2007, when Randy Pausch gave this speech, it was literally his last lecture, seeing that in six months, he would be gone. There's one quote in that lecture that i admire, and want to live by.

" Brick walls are just to separate the people who want their dreams, and those that do not. They are to keep you going, and keep others out." Very true. If you want a goal, you have to work for it. If it's something you want, it is worth all the toil and trouble in the world. So what's a couple of brick walls? We can jump over them or break through them. Life is about pushing through. 

When i was 4, that winter of Shen Yang, China was one of the coldest winters recorded. I caught a fever so high, that doctors warned my parents that there is a chance that i would lose my hearing. My ears were the first to burn up. At the temperature i was carrying, my ears were supposed to overheat and malfunction. I think this is one of the miracles i have faced in my life. Somehow, after days of wandering through consciousness and unconsciousness, i fought through the fever. To my family's surprise, instead of losing my hearing, i gained ultra sensitive hearing instead. Strange. A slew of gratitude to God. 

Anyways, I really don't want a shot. Any shot that i can escape, i will escape. I HATE. Shots. Every time i receive a shot, it reminds me of those days of going to the hospital every other day to get treatment. Or of that one time when the intern nurse screwed up, and i ended up having a broken vein spewing blood endlessly. ugh. grossssss. No matter how old i am, i will cry when i get a shot. 

Alas, this blog shall be ended before i dominate the whole website with this one entry.

Writing again soon,

au revoir, mes amis importants

"Quelqu'un peut accomplir un rêve s'ils essaient."

relationships.

Why do we have relationships, friendships? Why do we have emotions.. can't you help but wonder that?

Why do we? Why must we have negative emotions, instead of just retaining the beauty of positive emotion...sadness, anger and frustration drive us to realize the beauty of joy, love and wonder. There is no good without evil, no light without darkness, no heaven without hell. Balance is the one thing that keeps this world turning. 

From a long time ago, I taught myself to not cry in front of my mom. God, that woman never shuts up whenever she finds something to be mad about. I mean basically, if i accidentally break a plate at 9:00 A.M. in the morning, she will keep blabbering about it till 9:00 A.M. the next day. Throughout this period of complaint, she will bring up some of the worst things, some of the most harmful words, that will make you want to claw yourself inside out. 

1. " why won't you die. go die. kill yourself. just die"

2. " how the hell did i raise a kid like you? did i sin in the last life?"

3. " all you know how to do is put makeup on you, or other people. it's not like you'll get any prettier. you're still ugly and fat."

4. " what are you even worth? you're not even smart enough to get into UCLA. is your brain made out of air?"

5. " I can't wait when you get the hell out of here. you annoy me so much that i never want to come home"

6. " why are you even alive? you're useless."

7. " you call that singing? it'll be a fucking miracle if you ever make a career out of that. you can't sing"

8. " your boyfriend is the best you can get? he's just as useless as you are. don't see him anymore. "

Trust me, mom. I have wanted to get out of your house for a while now. Don't worry. I'll be gone soon. 

Basically, my mom is not able to come to my graduation. As sad as that makes me ( and i'm not being sarcastic. i want my mom there for my graduation, especially since she has never been to any one of my events), it makes me more sad to hear her say: " you planned for this, didn't you. you did this on purpose. your intention was for me not to go to your graduation!" 

Right. because. i would want for my mom, the woman who gave me life, to not attend one of the most important days of my life. RIGHT. (now, i'm being sarcastic).

As if i'm not bummed enough by the fact that my own mother is not attending my graduation, she's mad at me that she's not going to my graduation. when i asked her what she wants me to do after apologizing consistently, she answered " just sit there and shut the fuck up. what? you think you don't deserve to be yelled at? sit there and think about what you've done."

I'm worried about him. Whether if he's getting enough rest, if he has enough time, if he's stressing himself out, if he's eating regularly, if he still has time to have fun, if he's happy, if he's healthy, if he's okay.

Life is so ironically interesting. I mean some things are so coincidental, that you can't help but to pause and ponder. May 18th.

1. My dad's birthday

2. Emiri's mom R.I.P.

3. My little baby cousin's birth date. 5.18.09

A death, an anniversary, a birth. haha. coincidental and ironic, yeah?

I can't wait to meet my baby cousin. Of course, it's expected of my grandfather to come up with some super meaningful name for him. 程达. The second word, being the American version of the "first name"

This name is a blessing for my cousin to always be able to reach his goal. The second word means to reach a destination. 

and of course, mine is carpe diem.

I think i may be tired as fuck. 

tired of trying, tired of waiting, tired of pleasing.

take care of yourselves. 

i'm going to rest a little, and be an introvert for a period of time.

then the extrovert will return when she's ready.

find a close friend for me.

sorry. 

la fin.

PARTY!

Ah, i remembered as to what my light topic was going to be.

haha

Lately, I've been feeling so like.. chillaxed, and stoked. I want to PARTY. and go crazy! haha. I want to go rave, go to a club, go to a kickback, go to a bonfire at the beach, go to disneyland, go to grad night, go to "secret trip...".

Btw.

The secret trip

is SAN DIEGO FOR A WEEK. san diego A.K.A. UCLA

if you know what i mean

haha.

i really want to just have fun. I feel like out of these 4 years, this is the only time i get to have fun, so might as well go all out.

I'm ready for summer

to go play BADMINTON!

to go.. BOXING w/ rosa (:

to go play football with rosa and rena. ( and yes, i really will tackle. i'm a ruthless football player. HAHA)

to go to DISNEYLAND!

to go RAVING. EDC! (: I even have the black tutu prepared, and we shall make candy bracelets!

yeah. okay.

this is pretty much a worthless blog.

just wanted to say that...............

it's weird that these four years are over.

I mean, it didn't seem like four years ago. I mean, it's strange that just 4 years ago, i was a little freshman dreading the 4 years to come. And now, it's.. all coming to an end.

9 days left, and we're all gone. I think it would be weird to not be able to go to the village anymore. Or.. not being able to walk (well.. run) to school every morning. Not being able to go to choir everyday, and meet people who love singing. Not being able to play badminton at the teen center. Not being able to just.. do the high school stuff. haha.

I think i'll miss it.

Two weeks ago, i would've said there's nothing to miss.

But. let's face it. I'm going to cry when i go. or will i? I always surprise myself.

Sometimes, i end up so happy, that all i do is run around finding people to hug.

Sometimes, i end up so sentimental, that i bawl like crazy, and i get tear-infested makeup on a crap load of people.

We'll see..

This was a memorable experience..

all the joy, pain, memories, DRAMA. love. happiness. friendships. relationships. all-nighters. 20 min. nighters. struggles. sentimentalities. 

damn, we're being replaced by the 2013 kids 

haha.

'09 we so fine.

(please do refrain from saying '09 suck mine.)

命

Since i was a little kid, i would remember my grandfather imprinting in my head the ideals of optimism. He never wanted me to look at the negativity of life, for... if i only focused on negativity, then i myself would succumb to the pessimistic dangers of the world. Yet, sometimes i can't help but return to the depression that i've had in my hard times. It's strange. Sometimes, the world just seems to be not as bright and beautiful as it had been in my childhood. What happened to the world that is technically my playground? Obviously, it is still there.. hidden in my grave thoughts. I just got to remind myself to keep an open mind, and move on.

Honestly, I am so scared of life. Most people are afraid of death, but... isn't life much more fear instilling?

Think about it.. our one move can change the future... our one thought of the past can keep us locked. I have no clue what i'm doing in my life. I don't even know if i am doing things i want to do. But then, i'm only 17.. haha how the heck would i know what i'm meant for? I'm not psychic.

I grasp every opportunity thrown at me, because I'm so afraid of accidentally missing that moment.

You know, the.. life-determining moment that people have. when they come upon something, and suddenly they realize " shiet, this is what i want to do for the rest of my life. this is me. "

I think i live a very fulfilling life. I mean, i do anything that catches any part of my interest. Even if it is just a little portion of my interest... 

Yet, there are days that I sit down on my bed, and I contemplate about my day, and tears just roll down my face. I have no clue why. Maybe i just need an outlet, or maybe, i'm....... unhappy. 

I hope i'm not unhappy. 

Anyways, a lighter topic now (:

I finished watching boys before flowers!

haha

what a cheesy ending! and i'm not going to spill the ending, just in case somebody is watching the series.

I gotta say though, it's the best version of hana yori dango. 

oy vey, i think i ran out of creative juice

usually when i blog, i just start rambling like a mad woman .

but today, i guess i'm really tired.

which makes sense.

so i'm going to end it here. 

(: